If it turned out you’d been switched at birth, would you want to know?

[AlternativePerspective]

This week’s long lost family was about two women who had been switched at birth.

One had always suspected because of something her family had said when she was growing up, but the other one had no idea.

So the one who suspected wanted to know the details, so did DNA tests etc, and it turned out she was right.

However, the other one had no idea and her life and that of her family was essentially destroyed when she was approached and told that the family she thought she had weren’t actually her family at all and her brother for e.g. was told his sister wasn’t his sister etc.

Personally I think that the makers of the show were morally wrong for telling her, and all the other woman should have been told was that yes her family were not her biological family. But at that point she IMO lost the right to invade the lives of her biological family who hadn’t asked to be put in the situation and were completely unaware.

If I were told out of the blue that I had been switched at birth and my family weren’t my family, I would want nothing to do with those who were my biological family.

And if I were told that my sister had been switched at birth I would outright reject the biological sister I was given in her place. Because my family are my family and I wouldn’t want anything to do with anyone else wanting to be family.

So, would you want to know?

My SIL was adopted and she wanted to know her birth family. She eventually tracked down her birth mother and bitterly regretted it.

Okay? Many people don't regret it though

That’s the risk you take though. Nobody should go into this without thinking about multiple endings to it, would be naive to think it’ll be all rainbows.

On a similar vein I have a half brother whose existence no one saw fit to tell me of, and who I only met for the first time as an adult. He's a good bloke, I like him, we have similar quirks of personality and even look alike. The relationship sadly drifted when he moved overseas and didn't keep in touch. That's okay, and it isn't personal - if he showed up again I'd be pleased to see him but I'm neither bitterly disappointed nor feel it as a huge loss to my life. We share a biological tie but it's not like the connection I have with the sibling I grew up with, in one household with similar tastes and interests, a shared history, and a deep understanding of each other. When you meet an unknown sibling later in life, the relationship just isn't the same.

As to baby-swap idea, I'm not sure what I'd do with the knowledge if I had it, nor whether it would make any difference to my life now that I'm an adult with a family of my own. In my younger years, my answer might have been very different. But yes, I would want to know.

As to whether I'd want to be informed by a broadcaster turning my family history into entertainment for other people's titillation, that's a different matter entirely. There seems absolutely no foresight into potential later ramifications for the people they've so ruthlessly involved - apparently without the consent of at least one of the parties. Consent is a very murky area here.

I've never seen the programme but know a dubious practice when I see one, and this practice is as dubious as they come: unprincipled and unethical. If this had been a research programme rather than an entertainment programme it would never have gained ethics clearance, and if it had, could likely have found itself in very hot water for serious malpractice.

I find it shameful.

Your family will remain your family.. even if it turns out you were switched.
You just gain a biological family

The other woman might be in shock now but id rather be shocked then to live a lie..

Plus imagine the mum!! I would wanna know where my biological child went and want to meet her.

That’s not quite what happened. Her brother was approached, Richard. Richard chose to meet his biological sister. It’s at that point that Jacky was told. that’s even worse.

So they approached Richard, said “you know your sister? Well she isn’t your sister but you have one out there, would you like to meet her?” At which point he said yes and Jackie was told.

But what if he’d said no. He would still have known Jackie wasn’t his sister, and she would have been oblivious.

Regardless of whether people would like to know the way this was done is absolutely disgusting and should never have been allowed.

My SIL was adopted and she wanted to know her birth family. She eventually tracked down her birth mother and bitterly regretted it. my DP grew up in foster care. He was taken into care as result of serious abuse which left him permanently disabled. His siblings were also removed, two into foster care and one was put up for adoption at birth.

When he was growing up many of his foster siblings went down the route of tracking down their birth parents, and in almost all cases things went wrong.

And DP’s foster brother was having a conversation with him (they were adults by this point) and he said that what people forget is that generally children are removed from their parents for a reason.

Obviously in the 60’s things were different and many women felt no choice but to give up their babies and regretted it. But those types of situations and programmes like long lost family and others which have gone before it have romanticised the idea of reuniting families.

Now most children who are fostered and adopted are because of abuse. Now women have terminations instead of placing babies for adoption.

But even back in the 60’s there were women who didn’t want to be reunited because their families don’t know they gave a child up and they don’t want to cause pain to them.

Live a lie? She's 77 isn't she, most of her life is behind her and now it must feel chaotic to her. I do think that people are looking at this without thinking it would be different if this was found out when you were 7, 17,47 or 77. Sometimes age does matter.

Is the mum still alive? If Jacky is 77 there is a chance but not a big one.

That must be hard for your DP.

With my SIL her mother was thrilled, I think she didn't have much choice back in the 60s as a single young mother. It must have been hard on her when she was clearly such a disappointment to her daughter and totally rejected. I don't know if on balance she felt it was a good thing or a bad thing that she met her but then went through a brutal rejection.

Even wanting to meet another family would IMO be a rejection of the family I actually have. The ones who brought me up and who I grew up with.

What about people who are adopted and want to meet their birth family? Are they rejecting their adoptive family? What a sad world to live in where love is in such short supply.

I don't know if it is common but my SIL didn't look for her birth mother until her adoptive parents were dead. I didn't ask her about it but that might be because she didn't want to upset them but I suppose it could also be that she wanted to fill the gap their death created.

I’ve not watched it but for the lady who didn’t know it must be devastating.
Your whole existence is a lie. If the other family knew why didn’t they do anything? That must feel shit, they hadn’t bonded enough with their baby to say that they had been given the wrong one.

How old were they?

I think there was definitely a time when he hoped that he might meet them and that they might regret what happened.

The mother actually disappeared out of the area and had 3 more children which for god knows what reason, she was allowed to keep. They have all bought into the mindset that the mother was an innocent victim of social services and that she was wronged. Despite the fact that my DP has a visible disability.

One of them attended his brother’s funeral, and actually had the nerve to stand in front of my DP and tell him that whatever he’d been told was wrong and that her mother was innocent. She can be bloody glad I wasn’t there.

He’s realised for a long time that catching up with his parents wouldn’t have achieved anything but this just confirmed it.
Nobody knows where the father is, dead hopefully.

The siblings did meet up in later years. He met one of his brothers and his sister who was adopted and who grew up in a loving family.

Unfortunately his brother had a rough time in foster care, and later in life did a lot of drugs and drank a lot etc. His sister died from a bleed on the brain 3 years ago, and his brother died of multiple organ failure due to his lifestyle almost a year later.

Their other brother occasionally reaches out but it’s as if he’s afraid of actually developing a relationship iyswim.

A lot of people who were adopted choose to wait until their adoptive family are dead before tracing their biological relatives.

She’s 77 and in ill health. Her whole life is a lie and now it’s as if she’s come to the end of it and someone has said to her “you know the life you had? The family you grew up with? Well, it’s all a lie. They’re not your family and you were supposed to grow up somewhere else.”

She’ll probably be dead in the next ten years, and there’s a possibility that she will live out the rest of her life knowing that it was all a lie.

And her parents are dead.

@AlternativePerspective It sounds like your husband was lucky that he found you. I hope you are both OK, these things take a toll don't they. My husband never knew his father, he died when DH was a baby, he was already in hospital seriously ill when DH was born. DH always says he doesn't miss what he never had but there is alot of pain he won't acknowledge. Not helped by his mother turning his father into a saint who DH could never live up to. I think he was a very sad little boy.

If anyone comes out of the woodwork when I'm 77, they can honestly fuck off.
I wouldn't necessarily be a fan of it now and I'm definitely not wasting time and money to go looking for them/fuck up their life/add more trauma to my own life.

I wouldn’t want to know and I’d be furious if someone else forced that upon me.

Turnthatoff you don't get to decide that. I have no desire to have any chance to meet my biological parents. If it was sprung on me by this show forcing that meeting I would sue everyone involved.

Blossomtoes. Seriously! you can't see how getting in contact with a birth family could be a massive rejection for the adoptive family?

This.

Also, if someone approached me and said they’d found out that my sister had been switched at birth and I had a different biological sister and did I want to meet her and have them tell my sister she wasn’t really my sister I would tell them to fuck off.

And I would have absolutely no qualms in telling the biological sister to do the same.

This isn’t the same as adoption. Adoptees know they were adopted. They know they had a hidden past and they know they have a biological family out there.

The only thing this woman knew was that she thought she might have been switched at birth. IMO the only thing she should have been told was that her family wasn’t her family. She had no right to go looking for a biological family who had no idea that they weren’t what they thought they were.

A lot of people who were adopted choose to wait until their adoptive family are dead before tracing their biological relatives.

True but I don't think the pressure is a good thing nearly waiting on one special person to die in the hope that the biological family are still alive, finding the biological mother has passed too.

My friend said she'll wait because it would hurt her adoptive mam who is a lovely lady, I think DC who were adopted should be supported in finding their biological relatives and not made to feel guilty if that is what they want.

It shouldn't be us or them.

I understand some people never want to find out about their biological family, the choice needs to be guilt free.

And I would have absolutely no qualms in telling the biological sister to do the same.

It is not like the biological sister had a choice in the birth swap.

Yes I'd be hurt, confused, but wouldn't blame the biological sister.

She had no right to go looking for a biological family who had no idea that they weren’t what they thought they were. That is victim blaming.