Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seen my friends husband on Bumble

155 replies

Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 13:08

I seen my friends husband on Bumble on Friday night
I made video screen shot of entire profile - verified and fully filled out

I was at their wedding four years ago, she was fairly smug with how well their relationship had gone. Engaged after a short period of time, and married after 1 year. They met the week after she had a 6 year relationship ending and they did seem literally perfect for each other.

I tend to stay away from gossip but neither she or anyone else have intimated their relationship has broken down.
I have told no one I know about the dating profile.

AIBU to leave it and feel its none of my business?

OP posts:
TenoringBehind · 06/06/2022 16:24

Tell her, but be upfront not anonymous.

mycatisannoying · 06/06/2022 16:26

Why would you tell him?
Tell her!

Chikapu · 06/06/2022 16:27

Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 14:59

I am
jjust going to do this x x

Show quote history

Christ on a bike, do not do this. Either have the balls to just tell her or keep out of it.

Aprilx · 06/06/2022 16:28

Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 14:22

She even admits herself she was smug 😂😂😂
honestly i think we have a different type of self depricating humour up here in the north x
We always take the piss out of ourselves

Show quote history

You can back track if you like. But in your OP you definitely said she was smug, not that she called herself smug.

I would have said yes you should tell her, but I don’t know, there is something not quite right about you. If you were genuinely worried about your friend, this was no time to comment on how smug she was about her relationship. I think you would enjoy yourself too much to tell her.

notaladyinred · 06/06/2022 16:30

Tell her right away in a straightforward manner - "this is what I've seen, I thought you should know". A very similar thing happened to me and I've no regrets. (They ended up staying together after counselling.)

Glovesick · 06/06/2022 16:30

If he is on Bumble and recognisable, then it suggests that he is knowingly taking the risk of discovery. So his marriage can't mean that much to him. She needs to know.

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 06/06/2022 16:35

If you say something:


  1. Don't do it anonymously - she'll be paranoid about who knows about the profile.

  2. Play it with a straight bat - say that you saw the profile online (and attach a screenshot or whatever is appropriate) and thought she should know. Say that you are available to discuss it with her but will not bring it up unless she indicates she would like to speak. Say that you have told no-one about this - and keep to this promise. Offer no advice or editorialising whatsoever on what she should do.

GreenCard · 06/06/2022 16:35

How stupid are people that they don’t think they’ll be caught?
make a fake email, send it to her, say you’re a friend and wanted her to know.
i never understand the MN thing for not telling people. I would 100% want to know if my friends knew my DH was cheating!

Hawkins001 · 06/06/2022 16:37

Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 13:19

Fairly close
They have no children

She is in a friendship group and in March I seen one of their fiances on it too. So it will be the second guy I have seen in their friendship group on Bumble. They must think I am some sort of Bumble CIA

Show quote history

If you were to use the intelligence, I'd forward it directly to the friend rather than her dh, especially if he is guilty, then consider weather to attach your name to it, or use a anonymous name.

The other theory is they have a open relationship but to prevent judgement from other friends, keep The arrangement secret.

ThreeRingCircus · 06/06/2022 16:41

Do you have her email address? I would want her to know but would not want to be caught in the cross fire if it all kicked off so would probably anonymously email her the evidence with an email address that couldn't be linked to me.

Namechangehereandnow · 06/06/2022 16:41

I'd want to be told if it were my dh that was found out. Personally, if I know the truth, I can then decide what to do - stay or go. I’d rather the truth, warts and all.

If you do tell her, I wouldn’t make excuses as in ‘not sure if this is fake’ etc … not only are you giving him an excuse, you’re already minimising it in her eyes. I’d be factual - I’ve found this and thought you should know, that’s it.

StaunchMomma · 06/06/2022 16:43

You screenshotted it so you could dump it all in a word doc, print it off and post it to her anonymously.

If you tell her in person you can guarantee you'll take some heat for it. 100% not fair but it always happens.

It's only fair to let her know she's married to a sleazy shitbag - it's up to her how she decides to deal with it & you're not publicly embarrassing her.

Original poster
Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 16:47

StaunchMomma · 06/06/2022 16:43

You screenshotted it so you could dump it all in a word doc, print it off and post it to her anonymously.

If you tell her in person you can guarantee you'll take some heat for it. 100% not fair but it always happens.

It's only fair to let her know she's married to a sleazy shitbag - it's up to her how she decides to deal with it & you're not publicly embarrassing her.

Its so weird how you see someone totally different once you know this about them
like his photos he used as ones I know for a fact she has taken - her shoes are in one
and you are just like yuck - you look like a different man to me now

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 06/06/2022 16:48

I would want to know.

Ilike the suggestions you reach out expressing sadness over their 'break up' ... and if she's surprised, tell her what you saw on Bumble.

Good luck.

justasking111 · 06/06/2022 17:04

Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 15:57

@Stillfunny with you sister
only last weekend one of the guys at work said he was on a stag doo - all the guys married except the one who was about to be

he said three of them had a second phone. Three. They had two phones and the second phone was for dating apps and meeting other woman behind their wives backs. This was grown men in their thirties. He said he was shocked. They all keep the second phone in their car during real life ☹️ Its horrific

Show quote history

That's so depressing I have sons married and would be heartbroken if they were doing this. Some husband's friends did play away on golfing holidays abroad. But I've known women on holidays abroad with the girls who have been up to a bit of fun

NoKids2 · 06/06/2022 17:10

FWIW I took the "Smug" comment to mean "she was so happy, it all seemed so perfect, I didn't see this coming with this couple at all".

Personally I would want to be told in a straight forward and respectful way. I would want to be reassured that my friend was there for me and would support me in whatever I decided. I've been cheated on and the nagging doubt before I found out for sure (and snapped myself out of my unhealthy denial) nearly drove me crazy.

Given this is such a divided subject why not think of it another way, instead of taking all our views on this. People who are close enough to read poems at each others weddings are usually fairly close and that happens when people are like-minded. If the roles were reversed, would you want her to tell you?

You may lose a friend out of this, but you may also lose a friend if she finds out some other way and that you knew. I agree that doing it anonymously might be easier for you but will not help your friend.

What is going to help YOU sleep better at night? How would YOU want to be treated?

Boredboredboredboredbored · 06/06/2022 17:13

As somebody who found their H on a dating website a few weeks ago I would 100% want to know (I found out through snooping). We have now split up and no chance of us getting back together, the humiliation is almost as bad as the act IMO. Tell her then it is up to her what she does with the info but be prepared to lose the friendship. It is staggering how many men in relationships are on dating websites. My stbxh has of course played it down - he never chatted to anybody, never intended to meet anybody blah blah blah. The relationship was over the minute he pressed to 'join' button.

GordonBennetttt · 06/06/2022 17:15

I'd want to know. I've been cheated on more times than I care to say and not once has anyone told me. I've just found out after years of lies. I'd have preferred it if someone told me to save wasting years of my life on a cheating arsehole.

loupiots · 06/06/2022 17:22

Tell her anonymously so that if it kicks off and she needs a friend, you can be there for her.
She'll be weird with you if she knows that it was you that saw him and gave her the head ups - it's just the way it works out.

TheSeldomSeenKid · 06/06/2022 17:23

I’d want a friend to tell me.

isthismylifenow · 06/06/2022 17:31

OP I have also seen some men I know on dating apps. Not close friends but I know they have partners / married etc.

The thing that amazes me is that they blatantly put their photo and real name on there for anyone to see.

I'm a bit of an overthinker, so I decided the only reasoning behind it is that he doesn't have the balls to admit to his other half that he's been playing away, so is waiting for someone else to do it. I. e you and me....

What other reason, apart from having an open relationship, could there be? The search is area based, of course someone will notice.

Anyway I'm off the apps now because they weren't doing me any good at all.

I didn't ever tell the partners btw, but then they aren't close friends.

Original poster
Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 17:34

isthismylifenow · 06/06/2022 17:31

OP I have also seen some men I know on dating apps. Not close friends but I know they have partners / married etc.

The thing that amazes me is that they blatantly put their photo and real name on there for anyone to see.

I'm a bit of an overthinker, so I decided the only reasoning behind it is that he doesn't have the balls to admit to his other half that he's been playing away, so is waiting for someone else to do it. I. e you and me....

What other reason, apart from having an open relationship, could there be? The search is area based, of course someone will notice.

Anyway I'm off the apps now because they weren't doing me any good at all.

I didn't ever tell the partners btw, but then they aren't close friends.

Its rife isnt it. I barely meet anyone off them now as I know how common it is for them to already have someone. Ive seen countless times
rven before I meet them I usually look at social media or already have friends in common to verify. I dont think five years ago it was this bad

i agree yhrh are practically looking for an out - its so blatant!!!

i

OP posts:
JulieBeds · 06/06/2022 17:34

I'd want to know.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/06/2022 17:35

she was fairly smug with how well their relationship had gone

What has this got to do with it? Or are you enjoying this?

Just tell her, discreetly, Why would you tell him you've seen it?

Original poster
Curlyhairdonotcare · 06/06/2022 17:38

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/06/2022 17:35

she was fairly smug with how well their relationship had gone

What has this got to do with it? Or are you enjoying this?

Just tell her, discreetly, Why would you tell him you've seen it?

Ffs i have explained this on pp
clearly not enjoying it if I was shaking no

i am going to meet her tomorrow and tell her then its done

OP posts: