To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

Well in my particular case for all sorts of reasons it wouldn't have been the grandparents.

@greenvelvetcouch
Would it not be better to get the visiting over after a few days then have yous time, I have had 4 miscarriages and I'm the furthest I have ever got 10+5 as off today's scan great heartbeat of 168, never have I had a great scan let along a hb or growth, I'm hoping this wee one sticks around looking great so far so my family can can be as excited as me, my dps already have grandkids but this will be the first from a daughter so they will be excited and said it will feel different having one from a daughter. Have not told them the news yet as my mum was walking on eggshells with all my other pregnancies when I told her and I can't wait to share the news and the future with them.

Don't shut family out you only get one good luck for the future.

@greenvelvetcouch

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I totally understand this. So much stress and worry. Of course the only visitors of the baby would be its parents.

I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

I personally think this is OTT. I would want my parents to visit me soon after I gave birth. However, I get the feeling that your mum wouldn’t be as supportive and helpful as my parents.

I've thoought about this again, with the NICU stay and the OP's sister's clearly awful experience in mind.

Putting myself in the GM's place, while traumatic sounds a tad overwrought, I really do think I'd have been desperately worried about both of them, and feeling helpless (the latter can be a huge emotion for the parents of adults). And it could even have been that GM felt as though she might actually never know her GC, while presumably Covid also prevented her from supporting her DD.

Given how anxiety inducing even the day when my DD was in labour, was. I actually think that your mum will have gone through her own sort of hell, OP. I can also imagine that she desperately wants to believe that your sister is okay now (and of course your sis might be putting on more of a pretence with your mum than she is with you, so she might have reason to believe that).

@greenvelvetcouch after reading your updates, I think you need to continue therapy and improve your relationship with your mum before you have dc (especially as you say you don’t dislike your mum). It’s not normal to consider your parents as “extended” family. There’s no point in having dc if you aren’t prepared to bond with them (you said your dc will consider you as extended family).

This "banning visitors for weeks" is the most uniquely Mumsnet thing I've ever read. In real life, I just could wait for my Mum to come and see my new baby for a cuddle. She made me tea, gazed adoringly at the baby and then left. How would this have stopped me and my husband from being calm and learning to be parents?!

I haven’t RTFT but I would encourage anyone having a family to keep as much of a support network as you can.

I was a bit like you OP, very introverted and wanted to be left alone to do it my way but actually when the time came and DH and I both were struggling (things I had no clue would even happen!) it was the extended family that stepped in to help. I’m so glad I didn’t shut people out for weeks as I would have probably cut my nose off to spite my face.
As a result both of my children have fantastic relationships with grandparents and I’m glad I didn’t prevent that relationship in hindsight. The more people that are obsessed with your child (in a good way!) the better.

I do find it sad that you don't see your mum and siblings as immediate family. You literally grew up with them. It just sounds quite cold.

You seem to view people needing / wanting support as failing or a bad thing. It's fine if you don't want support but it's also fine for people to want 24/7 support in the early days. It doesn't make them a failure.

I had a niece born in a lockdown and I can hand on heart tell you it was the hardest time in my life and my parents not being able to see her. It was also very difficult for my brother and sister in law. They bubbled with her family from day 1 because they lived nearby and we all live hours away. I can't ever dream of keeping my family away on purpose and not because it would break the rules!

so why are you on here asking ?

Believe me when I say you have NO idea of what to expect when you have your first child!

@EggRollsForever I didn’t, I asked something completely different and everyone decided to make the thread about mine and my husband’s parenting choices

It's the trendy thing to do now to decide you're going to ban visitors and I thought I wouldn't want any either. Then I had DS and within 5 minutes I was telling DH to

Oops didn't mean to post! Yeah I was telling DH to text my mum and my entire family and get the whole lot of them round the hospital so I could show off the most amazing perfect little human who has ever existed

@SunflowerGardens thats so sweet! It’s funny because my sister was exactly the same in that she NEVER used to post on Instagram or social media at all, and now it’s COVERED in pictures of her daughter! She can’t stop showing her off. It’s very sweet to see. Maybe I’ll be the same! It’s so hard to imagine I will but who knows!

Well I've had a child and I completely understand where the OP is coming from. I would have found it suffocating to have grandmothers and other relatives, particularly my husband's relatives, around so soon.

It's one of those things that was easier in the olden days when I had my babies. We were in hospital for two or three days, so long enough for GPs to visit for half an hour, coo and congratulate, and then be happy to leave you alone for a while before visiting again. There was no option to outstay their welcome, but they felt included.

I fully understand not wanting to be swamped with visitors, even your mother, with a new baby.
But OP, with respect, maybe wait until you have the hypothetical baby before you make these sort of decisions.
Theory and real life can be poles apart, especially for first time parents.

I’m pregnant!!!! The hypothetical baby is literally in my womb!!!!!

At least read the full thread before you comment 🙄

@greenvelvetcouch

Ah OP you’re so wrong

Just wait till your baby is about 2 years old and a toddler…. You will be GAGGING for a night out or a weekend away just you and your husband!

Grandparents can look after your child during these times for you so you can have a break though they will be less inclined to help you out if you treat them badly when the baby is first born.

Keep them on side!!

Why do feel your sister needs counselling?

OP... Do you think it might be insensitive to ask your sister for advice, considering she didn't have a choice about keeping close family away, and is as you said damaged by the experience?

I think it's sad that you actively want to foster a distant relationship between your mum and your child. My mum has the most wonderful bond with my DS and sees him regularly.

No different reaction from me.

But you don't want a close wider family relationship, so that's your choice.

There are others that think that's a very sad situation.