To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

I'm as independent person as you'd meet and find some of the emeshment I see here in Ireland, which has a very strong family culture, to be very suffocating. But independent doesn't mean being unkind to others or going out of your way to put a distance between your children and the wider circle of people who will love them. You also sound very arrogant and frankly have no idea of what you may or may not want or need after having a baby. I really had my shit together when my son was tiny from the breastfeeding, household jobs side of things but also very very low and lonesome at times and my mums phonecalls and visits were a lifeline. My parents and siblings, my husbands parents and siblings all visited in the first couple of days and it gave me great happiness to see them meet this little boy who was now part of their lives. And they of his. Life comes in and everything changes, you might want to reflect on that.

Gosh, that strikes me as a rather sad outlook on life that you would find it concerning an adult child might still want support from their parents. I've never needed my mum more than when I became a mum for the first time! At what age are you planning to take a step back from yours? 18? 21? I'm not being snidey, I'm genuinely interested.

“Ban” visits

the mind boggles

One of my all time favourite memories is my two best friends visiting me and my new baby.

In hospital, less than 24 hours after I’d given birth let alone weeks later with a ban beforehand

what a shame there is no one in your life that you or your partner are close enough to that you want to share this with. How sad

@famagusta When I say “ban”, what I mean is “not invite”. I find it strange that so many people have families who would turn up unannounced or just tell them they’re coming over. No one in our lives would dream of doing that.

My experience was very similar to yours @greyinganddecaying with a close female relative, who I had thought would support me making it all about them. Came to see baby in NICU and couldn't really cope stating how awful it was for them. They had travelled down and visited for one day whereas we were going to the hospital every day for 3 months.

Your post reads to me as if you are concerned that your mum may be too self centred / baby centred to give you support. Hopefully that's just a response to the NICU situation and they will be different for you.

Totally agree

@greenvelvetcouch do you have children? If so how old? I can’t get my head around me ever thinking my daughter was “odd” let alone for wanting me to support practically and emotionally after the birth of her child

All a big drama over nothing, as far as I can make out.
And I'd go so far as to say that it's precious and unkind to 'ban' family visits to see a newborn baby. It's not all about what you get out of it!

@Youaremysunshine14 I think you can support an adult child and provide tons of love (my Mum supports us all in many ways!) and still hope that your child would feel able to forge their own way in the world. If they needed me to come and spend an extended period of time with them as an adult I would presume there was something wrong and be worried for their resilience. My older siblings had both left home when my Dad died but they returned to the family home for a few months in the aftermath, and that’s the kind of thing I mean. Plenty of people have children without having their mothers or mothers in law move in with them or rent an air bnb for weeks on end for 24/7 support. I think my Mum would find the idea of that hilarious!

I wonder if you may feel differently once the baby arrives?

I wouldn't use this as an excuse to tolerate toxic behaviours etc, but generally the more people around who love your baby the better. I personally wouldn't start such a lovely new chapter in your life with unnecessary rules. If you genuinely believe three weeks of calm where baby only sees you guys is for the best go for it, but there's something very special about the first few weeks of a child's life, so I wouldn't personally deny a grandparent the opportunity to be involved in it.

Agreed. Family turning up unannounced is unfathomable

but what do you mean “ban”? You mean you will “ban” unannounced visitors only but happy to have invited guests over?

I phrased that weirdly - I mean it was totally normal and understandable that after a massive shocking tragedy my siblings felt the need to be close to our Mum and us to each other. I don’t see a normal labour and delivery requires that, none of my friends or anyone I know has needed that level of support from parents. But it seems the norm on here so who knows!

@famagusta The plan at the moment isn’t to invite anyone.

I lost my mother in my twenties
I had an easy birth and found the adjustment to becoming a new mum pretty bloody easy!

but… if my mother had have been here… I would have bloody LOVED her over for two weeks

Because I’m lacking in resilience? Ha, change would be a fine thing

but because it would be joyous to spend some time with my mother AND my partner AND my new baby, and also joyous for my partner and I to take forty winks during the day and leave her with the baby OR to chill on sofa with baby and partner watching trash tv whilst she did dinner

which is exactly what I’d love to do for my daughter

not a negative sign of weakness or a problem but a positive!! And it is sad you don’t see it that way

I really hope you remember your behaviour (and indeed this thread)when your PFB is becoming a parent.
I can’t imagine someone who claims to have a good relationship with their Mother willingly excluding her from meeting their Grandchild.Shitty.

So it’s ban on unannounced visitors and…. No intention to have any visitors for a few weeks.

so if someone was to ask to be invited, say 3 days after you’re home , as desperate to see you and baby i.e “I am overjoyed by your news of the safe delivery! Would be lovely to see you. Might it be possible to swing by this week. I’ll bring coffee!”

you would say “no”?

Thank you for responding, your take is interesting. I did have my mum stay, at my request, for a few days once my partner returned to work after paternity leave because I wanted her support and input and it was actually a bonding experience for us because, having been independent since 18, for the first time in a long time I needed her. So I'm not sure your mum would find that hilarious if you asked her.

One line did jump out at me though:

If they needed me to come and spend an extended period of time with them as an adult I would presume there was something wrong and be worried for their resilience.

Please don't fall succumb to the "children should be resilient" ideology that seems to have crept into modern parenting, with 'resilience' being the new buzz word. Some children are naturally cautious or even anxious, and if your baby grows up to be you will have to accept that. It really is okay for children to need support at any age.

I’m really sorry to hear you lost your Mum @famagusta - it’s awful to lose a parent young. I apologise if the resilience comment was insensitive.

Whilst I appreciate you would have loved that, I don’t know why you can’t understand that I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to have a guest in my house for days on end at a time like that, or someone else in my kitchen making dinner etc. It would make my husband and I so not able to relax! I can’t imagine us having a nap whilst my mum potters downstairs. We love her and have gone on holiday with her etc. but it wouldn’t work in that scenario at all. I think my Mum would feel uncomfortable and as if she was intruding - she wouldn’t want to do that at all. People do have different relationships with their families and I think people on here don’t really consider that in these replies!

But I don’t think the op will change her mind set

so whilst alien to you and i to see a mother’s presence requested as a positive, to share the burden and also the joy, the op sees it as a sign of weakness.

we won’t change our view and I doubt the op will change hers when our children have children

Yes! We would say “Thank you so much for the well wishes, we’re doing well but are just taking some time together as a family and to recover for a few weeks. I’ll let you know when we’re up to having visitors and if you’re free at all would love to see you!”

As I said previously though we’ve already told our family our wishes.

I do appreciate it may not appeal to you!!

what I do not agree with is your view that my asking for a mother’s presence it is a sign of weakness and lack of resilience

Exactly! Being independent is one thing (I am very much so myself) but the OP sounds very cold and detached. Or as if there is only X quantity of love which shall be strictly distributed in some kind of order. I find that a very odd way of going through life and a very sterile environment in which to raise children. I have lots of relaxed loving connections with family and friends, my exhusband less so for a variety of reasons - I know my children benefit from these when they are with me in a way that is different from what they have when they are with him. He loves them fiercely and is a great dad but it's just not as lively or as warm as some of the simple times we have, and which no money can buy.

@Youaremysunshine14 I’m super lucky that my DH has 6 weeks off work, but I can certainly see having my Mum to stay a few nights when he returns to work! I think that sounds lovely. I can understand why you wanted her there and I can see I might enjoy the same and we’d probably have a lovely time!

Thanks for the resilience chat - interesting opinion. I do value resilience, but my take on that is that it isn’t about burying feelings etc. but having a really strong set of mental health tools to face adversity. I do appreciate your take though and will do some research!

Same here. Me wanting my mum to stay had nothing to do with not being resilient or being able to cope or showing weakness and I find it sad OP sees it that way.

So it’s a “polite” ban on visitors

and a “forthright” ban on unannounced visitors

do you not have any very close girlfriends? My two oldest friends are like sisters to me. I was desperate for them to meet my baby.

and quite honestly… I was desperate for all my close family to meet the baby. I wanted to show off this incredible creation!! 😂