To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

[greenvelvetcouch]

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

How is your relationship with your DM generally? You both sound rather intense and "precious" about your own experiences.

Personally, I couldn't WAIT to see my mum holding my newborns. It was one of the things I looked forward to most after the birth. We're very close, and the look on my mums face, the first time she saw my children, was one of the most special moments of my life. I can't imagine making her wait 3 weeks to meet them!

My sister had a baby last year. DM and DF came for a weekend to visit, and meet the baby. 3 weeks later DF was taken into intensive care and never came out.

Seeing your mother as a guest is interesting
The is the last thing I would have seen my beloved mum as, as the last thing I’d want my daughter to feel.

i want to be preparing her and her partner really good dinners, tidying up afterwards, changing beds… that kind of thing

and…. The joy of having my grandchild whilst they head off for a nap in the middle of the day!!!

joy not anything else

Gosh I just never think about that! I think about my husband with our baby but not my Mum or family or best friend or anything. I guess I’m thinking about it reading this thread and I’m sure it will be lovely, and maybe it will really bowl me over! Quite exciting to think there may be those kind of experiences but I just don’t imagine it to be SO emotional.

relationship with my Mum is pretty normal - I’ve chatted about it a lot in previous posts.

@famagusta You sound like a lovely Mum, I hope your daughter and her partner appreciate you and that if they’d rather have some more space you’d know to respect that.

My partner and I would find my Mum doing our laundry really intrusive. I don’t know what you mean by “preparing” your daughter and her partner either, but I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t want that!

Preparing dinner

ypu say you are close to your mother and get on very well

but in your op alone you use the words “disturbing” “entitlement” “worrying”. You go on to say “obsessive”.

It really does not indicate a relationship that many of us would regard as close.

i think it boils down to this - you have a different take on close relationships that I and many others on this thread do. Nothing wrong with that. I won’t call you cold and unfeeling but I would ask you don’t all us weak and lacking in resilience

I would find "preparing her and her partner really good dinners, tidying up afterwards, changing beds… that kind of thing" really intrusive and to be honest, interfering.

There seems to be comprehension on this thread that people are different.

And on the basis of this thread, I suspect it won’t be “that emotional” for you, and there is nothing wrong with that.

@famagusta agreed - I was judging everyone by my standards saying that and that’s what I’m asking people to not do with me. I apologise and retract that comment completely, I think it’s wrong and just me not understanding other people being different!

relationship with my Mum is pretty normal

I have no idea what “pretty normal” is when it
comes to relationships

each so individual

Thank you

Your mother sounds overbearing and you sound ridiculous for wanting to ban visits for two or three weeks.

I also only ever imagined me, DH and the baby but seeing the love everyone else felt for our children has been wonderful! It took me by surprise to be honest. I think my children are really lucky to have such doting grandparents and aunts. I want the best for my children and seeing so many people who really love them is all part of that (wanting them to have positive life experiences, feel valued and important etc.). Over the years I've watched the children thrive - not just because we (me and DH) love them, but because the wider family make them feel so loved too.

There are plenty of posters on here failing to understand people are different. I think some of them might consider apologising to you.

@KimikosNightmare I’m really thankful for your supportive posts on this thread, nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts!

I'm impressed by your openness and consideration of other people's experiences, OP. And I think it's unfortunate that you used the word 'ban', which you didn't really mean, and which raised people's hackles.

Hopefully some of our posts will have encouraged you to empathise with your mum, even if you can't yet 'feel' that primal response yourself.

If you can continue to be open minded and flexible in your approach when the baby actually arrives, I think that it's very possible to accommodate everyone's needs and wishes (or at least, if you maintain your 'ban' you'll be able to explain it while still acknowledging your mum's feelings when you communicate it at the time.

Oh, and yes, I do think you're going to found three weeks of only the three of you, intensely boring! Babies sleep a lot, so there's only a small proportion of the day available for bonding!

I'm baffled that some would class a mum as a visitor? My mum was amazing, there at birth, went home in middle of night and came back in the morning. Helped with first bath and my husband loves her. She bathed me when I got home too as i had a bad tear.
I think back to my own grandmother and couldn't imagine my mum classing her as a visitor. Strange... sorry

@saraclara thank you so much for the kind words and advice! I’m also very cheered by the people on here saying they got bored with a newborn, most people I know IRL make it sound constant work, I’m looking forward to having a little more rest than we were expecting!

@Gh12345 I’m glad you found your mum helpful. I would want my husband to attend to any care in that way, not my Mum. I love my Mum but she’s definitely a visitor in my home, just as I am when I stay at her house!

So I get that your relationship with your mum is quite distanced and that that suits you. But I do think it's quite sad that you don't really seem to see any value in her, or in the relationship that she and your baby/child will have that is totally separate to you. You may feel that she's a bit of an inconvenience, and that you don't need her. But your child might. There aren't many people in life who love us unconditionally. I know that it won't make any difference to your baby at this age, but your attitude to her suggests that you're not that bothered about allowing that relationship to bloom. My kids love their gran completely, at times she's their favourite person, and they're definitely hers. I hope having that love in their lives will benefit them forever.

You sound fun!

Not everyone is like you. People have different lives and different families. I couldn't have borne having my mother or my mother-in-law around at that time.

A poster mentioned "preparing her and her partner really good dinners, tidying up afterwards, changing beds… that kind of thing". That would be intrusive and interfering for me. I'd have hated it.

I would worry more about your resilience if you were unable to have any visitors in first 3 weeks.

I didnt want my mum to move in for weeks or to do much in the way of help but company, reassuring words and bonding with her grandchild was very welcome.

Let me give you a scenario.

You are soon to give birth to your second child.

You want your DH with you when you give birth.

Who looks after your first child? I can see this is more difficult if there are no (physically) close relatives.

Who can you call at 3am to come over?

Who ever it is, they are going to see your new child very early on aren't they?

Haven't RTFT but to be blunt you sound like you are being a little precious.

You owe it to your child to encourage a good relationship between them and their family (you and your DH aren't their only family). You might find the first few days overwhelming and not want them around, which is fine, but setting out rules in advance that they can't visit for 2-3 weeks when you don't know how you'll feel does sound controlling for the sake of being controlling. I wonder if you are somehow reacting to your sister's birth trauma by trying to control your environment ahead of your own birth experience because maybe you're worried it'll be hard for you too. Just a thought.