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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disturbed by this comment from DM?

414 replies

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 11:56

My sister had a baby last year, and due to covid-reasons and a pretty lengthy stay in NICU my DM didn’t meet her baby until she was 37 days old.

I was discussing my Dsis with DM at the weekend and she said to me that my sister was fine and had dealt with it all brilliantly (I disagree - I think she is very damaged by the experience and her husband and I both want her to talk to someone about it all), but DM was still “traumatised” by the experience because it’s not natural for a baby to be kept from its grandmother for so long.

I didn’t call her out on it at the time, but I found this comment so disturbing and it made me worry about the level of entitlement my DM seems to have towards her grandchild. I don’t think grandparents have any “right” to their grandchildren, and I wouldn’t want her acting like that at all when I have my baby. I’ve never had much cause to worry about her beyond her being a bit of an obsessed granny/slightly lonely widow who loves her family but I can’t cope with her being suffocating about seeing my child/ren. I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

Is this comment a worrying sign of what’s to come? Do you agree with her?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/06/2022 00:01

ItsLisaLou · 06/06/2022 13:23

Can you explain your last sentence a bit more to those of us who’ve never had grandkids? What is it about allowing a few weeks of private time for your DD that would be so heartbreaking, if you’re all going to meet eventually anyway? Especially assuming your DD would also be heartbroken at having her wishes for privacy dismissed/discounted by her own mother?

Show quote history

To me, there is just something so special, primeval almost, about your child having a child.

I was lucky in that I was at the births of most of my grandchildren and in the case of my DiL, invited to meet the DGC very soon after birth.

I cannot describe what it meant meeting those babies so soon and holding them (briefly) when they were so, so new to the world.

I helped where I was wanted and left them to it when that's what they wanted but I never felt, or actually was, pushed away.

And many years later, I see them quite frequently as we all live in a reasonable radius of each other

I am very glad my children didn't feel the same as the OP.

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2022 00:07

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 14:03

@Jenny70 I think this is a huge part of it actually! Both DM and MIL have grandchildren already and I they’re very confident/used to babies, and I don’t want to feel undermined in us learning our way around caring for our child, even if they’re being helpful or with good intentions. I’d rather ask for advice if we need it rather than have it given to us in those early days.

Thanks for the advice!

Why do you assume you'll be 'undermined'?

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2022 00:10

greenvelvetcouch · 06/06/2022 14:06

This is one of the stupidest comments I’ve ever seen online.

This sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy way to view life!

Show quote history

I doubt it would be considered stupid by the people who have suffered loss close to the birth of their child

(I lost my mum years before, so I really don't understand your thinking)

mrsfollowill · 07/06/2022 00:28

I've just typed out a quite detailed reply and lost it! My parents and inlaws were amazing when I gave birth. No undermining or trying to 'muscle in' just 100% support. Practical stuff- laundry/shopping/cooking-all done and organised - DH, DS and me had our bonding time for sure thanks to them. Yes they got a few cuddles- rightly so! but that didn't take anything away from our bonding as a (hate this phrase!) our little family. If anything they took the daily grind off us for a few weeks.

Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 07/06/2022 00:28

@Nanny0gg If you read all my posts - my father died very suddenly when I was in very young adulthood. I completely understand that life and death are unpredictable and I have done for years, unfortunately. I don’t think this means I should live as if everyone I love is about to drop dead at any second. That’s an unhealthy trauma response.

OP posts:
Original poster
greenvelvetcouch · 07/06/2022 00:30

@mrsfollowill I’m so glad you had that - it sounds like it was a lovely time and experience for you!

I wouldn’t find my mother or mother in law doing my washing or cooking helpful at all, so wouldn’t have the same reaction as you.

We’re all different!

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/06/2022 00:32

To me, there is just something so special, primeval almost, about your child having a child.

Yep. It's rarely talked about in those terms, even among grandparents. But it really is. Primitive, primal, insitnctive...

saraclara · 07/06/2022 00:34

...and again. I know it's something I can't expect to be able to explain to a new/pregnant mum. Because I didn't 'get it' when I was one, so why should I expect someone else to? You have to experience it to feel it. Just like new motherhood.

Hdpsbfb · 07/06/2022 04:03

Banning visits!! YABVU! Remember that you may be a grandma too one day.

Hdpsbfb · 07/06/2022 04:05

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2022 00:01

To me, there is just something so special, primeval almost, about your child having a child.

I was lucky in that I was at the births of most of my grandchildren and in the case of my DiL, invited to meet the DGC very soon after birth.

I cannot describe what it meant meeting those babies so soon and holding them (briefly) when they were so, so new to the world.

I helped where I was wanted and left them to it when that's what they wanted but I never felt, or actually was, pushed away.

And many years later, I see them quite frequently as we all live in a reasonable radius of each other

I am very glad my children didn't feel the same as the OP.

Show quote history

This... for many grandparents

Changechangychange · 07/06/2022 04:11

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

If the only reason you can imagine somebody might want to see their mum after a major medical procedure like giving birth is “to keep her onside for future childcare”, I honestly don’t know what to say to you.

Tandora · 07/06/2022 04:40

I think you are being a bit mean to your DM. I think it’s natural and wonderful that she feels passionately/ wants to see her grandchildren.

Please remember that your baby is their own person from the start and not a piece of property that you own. Of course grandparents have no “right” to their grandchildren. But your baby will benefit from having a loving grandparent in their life. There is some really interesting research on the key importance of grandparents’ role in child development.

I do understand no wanting to feel suffocated by your mother though - (so that she becomes another person you have to look after). I have that a bit with my dad and it’s tiring. so of course you are free to set boundaries, but I think banning your mother for 2-3 weeks after the birth is pretty unreasonable tbh.

Madamecastafiore · 07/06/2022 05:07

It's sad that you're looking at this from the stance of you not wanting a close relationship with your DM and not bothering that your child won't have one as you won't need her to babysit. Are you not missing the point that grandparents often play an important role in a child's life, not just for babysitting. My children all have wonderful memories of baking and doing crafts with their grandma and of their grandfather teaching them to play cribbage and telling them wonderful stories with the full on range of silly voices. They taught them so many things and were such wonderful influences in their lives.

It really is telling that you aren't a mother yet and hopefully when you are you will be able to see that what others can bring into your child's life is important and it's not about having a transactional relationship around childcare. And to be honest when you are a full time parent a grandma or two come in handy because it's fucking hard sometimes.

Eviebeans · 07/06/2022 05:18

Quite often giving birth unleashes all kinds of emotions that you've never felt before - and had no idea that you were capable of.
Also in my experience (and I'm old people lol) those who have the most definite ideas for how things will go are the ones where things go least to plan.
Give yourself some leeway.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/06/2022 07:08

@greenvelvetcouch

Ah OP you’re so wrong

Just wait till your baby is about 2 years old and a toddler…. You will be GAGGING for a night out or a weekend away just you and your husband!

Grandparents can look after your child during these times for you so you can have a break though they will be less inclined to help you out if you treat them badly when the baby is first born.

Keep them on side!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/06/2022 07:08

And don’t say you’ll never want a night out again cos you will!!

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/06/2022 07:12

@greenvelvetcouch

out of interest, if you class your mum and sister as ‘extended family’ who falls in the category of immediate family ??

ladydimitrescu · 07/06/2022 07:15

Maybe as a family you all just use over the top language? Traumatised is extreme from your mum, disturbed is equally as dramatic from you.

ladydimitrescu · 07/06/2022 07:15

Maybe as a family you all just use over the top language? Traumatised is extreme from your mum, disturbed is equally as dramatic from you.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 07/06/2022 07:22

This is such a sad thread. I hope when your child is older you don't need her for childcare because it doesn't sound like she'll be there

Vikinga · 07/06/2022 07:23

My parents saw 2 of my babies the day they were born and I loved it (didn't the other 2 because we live in different countries).

My in laws also saw the babies on the day of their birth.

And local friends met them the first few days.

I think once your baby is here you will want to share.

onlythreenow · 07/06/2022 07:42

I was expecting to ban any visits for 2-3 weeks at least when I have my baby and this would include her.

How ridiculous! Most people are more than happy to welcome close family to see a new baby, I've never heard of anyone imposing a "ban" on all visits. Your DM's comment was OTT, but this beats it hands down.

We aren’t expecting any childcare or practical help from our extended families so it’s not a case of having to keep them on side.

You seem to have a stange idea of what being part of a family means.

TheNoodlesIncident · 07/06/2022 08:07

The only thing I would say to you OP is don't burn your bridges. Stay open minded about it because you - I'm sorry about saying this - really have no idea exactly how you will feel after your baby has been born. It changes everything. I'm not suggesting you'll change personality and become someone needier and desperate for additional company, but the way you feel about things changes. You have all sorts of hormones swilling around that you just don't have now, and it makes a difference.

By all means ask for some time to get settled into your routine and look forward to seeing people when you're ready, but be aware now that it might not be how you think it will. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind or feeling grateful that X has done Y instead of "I/DH should have done Y! How pushy!" You might feel like that, you might not. Births don't always go to plan, the newborn period might not go to plan. It's best to stay flexible and just keep your options open.

(Your mother does sound rather self-centred, I hope your DSis is getting better after their ordeal.)

Namechangehereandnow · 07/06/2022 11:02

SunflowerGardens · 06/06/2022 21:52

Oops didn't mean to post! Yeah I was telling DH to text my mum and my entire family and get the whole lot of them round the hospital so I could show off the most amazing perfect little human who has ever existed Grin

LOVE this 😊😊
The moment your baby pops out, your whole previous thinking just goes out the window! Everything changes in an absolute instant! (For most people)

OP clearly has a chip on her shoulder, something to prove ….. I feel very sad for her, her baby, and her mum 🙁

SallyWD · 07/06/2022 12:19

I've already commented but just remembered something. I'd say keep a open mind OP. Motherhood, although wonderful, can hit you like a ton of bricks! I was like you - absolutely certain I wanted help from no one, that I didn't want people around because I'm an introvert. Our families live hours away so we couldn't have consistent help from them anyway! Then I gave birth and had a high needs, unhappy baby who would cry and scream every time she was conscious. DH was back at work and would come home to find me sitting on the sofa sobbing. I was so utterly shattered, miserable and concerned about the baby that when she was 8 weeks old I suggested we fly to my in-laws house in Europe just so I could have a break. It was such a tonic just to have some extra pairs of hands, some moral support, some breathing space. It did me the world of good and I came back refreshed. I'm so glad we went as 2 weeks after that trip my father in law died suddenly and unexpectedly. He would never have met her if we hadn't gone (he was disabled and travelling to see us was too complicated). I do think it's fine to have a couple of weeks to yourself when the baby's born but I'd be mindful not to push family away. You never know how full on and exhausting having a newborn can be. The post-natal hormones are pretty brutal too!