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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

147 replies

Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 19:27

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

OP posts:
Giveitall · 05/06/2022 19:36

Give yourself some time for the dust to settle.
If you can engineer a 1 to 1 with him, just tell him quietly in a dignified & unemotional way, how his actions & what he said, upset the dynamic.

He will probably apologise again, in which case, if you feel inclined to do so, graciously accept it & put his overture behind you.

It would be a shame to lose him from your life over his silly unwelcome advance.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 05/06/2022 19:36

Wow, he’s a massive idiot. Does he think he is entitled to a grope because he helped you out in the past? I would be unable to trust him again.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 19:46

@Giveitall it’s not even the advance really, I could put that down to being drunk, nostalgia, whatever even though it threw me but the way he turned so quickly and said those things so readily…

@Sumtimesiamgreen this is how I feel, I feel really stupid and hurt.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 19:53

Ah fuck, I’m so sorry. That’s a proper shitty thing.

He was drunk, clearly, but I’d find it hard to forgive and forget the words.

No sage advice, really. Just sympathy.

notacooldad · 05/06/2022 19:57

To me it sounds like he was lashing out with words because his ego was bruised.
I can understand why you are upset and hurt.
I don’t know how I would come back from this.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 20:06

Thanks for the sympathy, it’s appreciated.

I haven’t told DH yet because I know that will change the dynamic of everything if I do manage to get past it and make up with friend. But I know I’ll tell him because I wouldn’t like it if he kept something like that from me.

I just feel really cross that he had to go and ruin everything, as well as being hurt by what he said and how he said it.

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FinallyHere · 05/06/2022 20:08

Oh I am sorry.

Please be sure in your mind that you have done nothing to deserve this.

It's absolutely all on him. He has disappointed you. A classic case of in vino, veritas. Maybe he can convince you otherwise. Maybe he will want to try.

RhiRhi1996 · 05/06/2022 20:10

Personally I'd cut the friendship. Although Men and women CAN just be friends, there is a lot of men who have friendships with women and are hoping one day you'll give in and fuck them. That sounds like him.

My husband would not be happy with me continuing a friendship with a guy who had made advances to me and made it clear he has more things than friendship on his mind.

JacquelineCarlyle · 05/06/2022 20:10

He's completely in the wrong and none of this is your fault. I do think you need to tell your DH though as that's not a good secret to keep, even if you do make it up with him.

I wouldn't trust him at all in future and whilst I hope you're able to get past it, there's no way I'd forgive that. I'd pass myself and be civil, but deep friendship would be gone.

Wideawakeandconfused · 05/06/2022 20:12

Men and women can’t be true friends in my experience- one will always want more, even if they pretend otherwise.

He dealt with it badly but you now know he wasn’t actually a true friend. He always had other designs on the relationship. It’s rubbish.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 20:13

I absolutely will tell DH, I would be crushed if he kept something like that from me even if I knew he wasn’t interested at all and didn’t participate at all.

I just feel so so gutted. It’s been 27 years of friendship. The idea of never speaking to him again just makes me want to bawl my eyes out - I know that sounds dramatic but it’s true, we have such a long shared history together. But it was like for those few minutes he was a completely different person.

I think I probably know deep down it just won’t be the same after this, not sure how it can be. I’ve always been the smug “women and men CAN be friends” voice in that conversation as well because I 100% believed it.

OP posts:
7eleven · 05/06/2022 20:25

if he’s been a good friend for 27 years, maybe he’s allowed one fuck up? He was pissed and he’s apologised. Mind you, I can’t see your husband being happy about it.

Avastmehearties · 05/06/2022 20:32

God how disappointing. Definitely let your husband know.

I only ask this as it's happened to me but does he have any health conditions you know of? As in, I've taken new medications that have made me act really out of character after a drink and wonder if he could have if it's been 27 years and no hint of this.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 20:38

Of course he’s allowed one fuck up but this feels like it’s undoing our whole friendship because of how nasty he was with it. But maybe I need to give it a few days and see how I feel then. Maybe he’s not that bothered about making amends either, I just got the shortest sorry text ever. I don’t know, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.

DH always got on with him really well and loved hanging out with him once he got to know him so I think he’s going to be a bit taken aback as well and, you’re right, not happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 20:38

No new medications that he’s mentioned or health conditions that he’s mentioned

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 05/06/2022 20:39

I think I would have to let the friendship go

BorderlineHappy · 05/06/2022 20:47

7eleven · 05/06/2022 20:25

if he’s been a good friend for 27 years, maybe he’s allowed one fuck up? He was pissed and he’s apologised. Mind you, I can’t see your husband being happy about it.

There's fuck ups and then there fuck ups.
I think there's no coming back from this.
He's blurred the lines and you'll never look or trust him the same way again.

Herejustforthisone · 05/06/2022 20:51

Men just let us down time and again.

What a shame. One act of gross male entitlement and he’s ruined nearly three decades of friendship.

Some posters obviously feel differently but I’m not sure I’d consider him feeling ‘owed’ something sexual from his platonic female friend because of the favours he’s done her a ‘fuck up’ that he should be ‘allowed’ to make.

7eleven · 05/06/2022 21:14

I just think people can be twats when they’re drunk and that doesn’t necessarily matter more than 27 years of being a good friend. If he truly was an arse, he’d have shown you in the past. Just a thought.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 21:39

He’s never been shitty with me before, no. That’s why it feels so out of the blue.

i don’t think he’s particularly used to women turning him down generally, he’s never short of attention normally so I can see how he might have been embarrassed but I still find the things he said unforgivable really. I mean I hope he didn’t mean them but they can’t be unsaid now can they

OP posts:
7eleven · 05/06/2022 21:47

somethings can’t be unsaid, that’s true. How upsetting for you. You must have been so shocked!

billy1966 · 05/06/2022 22:11

How upsetting.
I can well imagine how devastated you feel.

A couple of things occur to me.

I think you have held him in very high esteem and you have been shown he is well capable of being an ugly little shit.

I think you have also being shown he's a vain, entitled little shit, who does not react well to being knocked back.

Character wise I think you will view him differently with the scales truly having fallen from your eyes.

His pass at you is disappointing and shows you that for some men all women are prey when they have alcohol in them.
It betrays how little respect he has for women.

But, regarding the awful things he said and they truly were awful, I think it most likely was mostly the drink.

It's unlikely he has done those things over all those years purely because he thought he'd get a crack at you.

BUT his ego is such that when he was knocked back, his ego sprung to his defence with outrage on his behalf and his ugly ego bile spilled out.

I'm probably not explaining it well.

He's definitely an awful tit and he should be mortified, but I doubt he meant what he said to come out in quite the way it did.

I would take a few days to ponder things.

I would probably text him that I am terribly disappointed and hurt by his actions and his words, that we would be so cavalier with your friendship, possibly telling him you want also want space.

Take that space and have a think and decide how YOU feel before you tell your husband.

Whatever you decide I doubt you will ever feel the same admiration for him again.

He sounds like an entitled little shit.

WimpoleHat · 05/06/2022 22:21

What do you want from this? An apology from your friend and a chance to move on? If so, do not tell your DH. If you want to feel justified in canning the friendship (and nothing wrong with that), then tell your DH. This sounds harsh - and I mean it kindly. But decide what you want first. Because your DH will (understandably) react badly to this and this makes a return to the friendship almost impossible…..

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 22:56

Sorry went away to eat Chinese food and start binge watching Midwich Cuckoos to take my mind off things!

@billy1966 youve made some really good points there and you’re right - I have held him in high esteem the whole time I’ve known him, and I think that’s why I feel like it’s such a slap in the face. You’re probably right about the alcohol too.

@WimpoleHat If there’s a way to get past it and move on so we can still be friends that’s what I would want, I’m just not sure I’m going to feel the same way and have the same level of unwavering trust as I did before. I guess we are all human, no one is infallible. I will take everyone’s advice and probably leave it a few days.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 05/06/2022 23:06

That would be game over for me.

I tend to feel that alcohol helps loosen inhibitions and our verbal regular.

so when someone says something and blames the alcohol - what they said had an element of truth. Maybe it’s something they know when sober to hide and not display.

basically he’s shown you his true unmasked colours and used an opportunity when your DH wasn’t around. He expected you to sleep with him that night.

and now he’s going to pretend nothing happened and ohhh it was just the drink. Bullshit. You and your DH manage not to
behave like that I’m guessing whilst drunk?

yes you had a good friendship on surface level but you will never really 💯 trust him again. You’ll never take what he says at face value. You’ll always be wondering if he’s doing something for you because he expects something in Return. He has doomed your relationship and I think you and DH are better off away from him.