AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

[Reesewithafork]

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

Cross-posted. Good for you OP - you’ve clearly got your head screwed on, and you’re handling it perfectly.

Sorry I wasn’t dithering I was saying I can’t wait til the holiday is over but I was feeling bad about how, if it’s all lies on friends part, it’s going to ruin the holiday. My mind is all over the place so my posts are probably quite jumbled.

I think I’m going to sign off now and try not to think about it for a bit. Thanks for all the advice and supportive posts, I can’t speak to anyone in real life about this til I’ve spoken to DH and it’s really helped.

Best of luck OP.

I can only imagine the disappointment you must be feeling.

Take care.

I had a feeling he was 'waiting in the wings' for his chance with you, I'm sorry OP but your entire friendship with him has been a lie. On the bright side that almost certainly means what he's said about DH is also a lie, you can't believe a word he says. And yes, he's highly likely to have gone to the trouble of setting up that profile, compared to the years of 'friendship' he's faked it's nothing really is it? Have you checked whether the photo used for the profile is one you recognise? One he's used on SM and 'friend' would have access to? If so I think I would be reassured by that and I would be telling my DH what's happened without a trace of accusation in your shoes, I think 'friend' has attempted to screw you both over and you need to stick together.

I had a feeling he was 'waiting in the wings' for his chance with you, I'm sorry OP but your entire friendship with him has been a lie. On the bright side that almost certainly means what he's said about DH is also a lie, you can't believe a word he says. And yes, he's highly likely to have gone to the trouble of setting up that profile, compared to the years of 'friendship' he's faked it's nothing really is it? Have you checked whether the photo used for the profile is one you recognise? One he's used on SM and 'friend' would have access to? I would be telling my DH what's happened without a trace of accusation in your shoes, I think 'friend' has attempted to screw you both

Hmm. Your friend is a total dick, no questions there.

But the dating profile thing is weird. Watch your H’s reaction closely, it’ll be very telling.

If you know the female friend who supposedly found the profile then it might be worth speaking to her

I think the best thing for the OP to do is just talk to her husband, which is sounds like she’s going to do.

Sneaking around asking questions about a spouse who you’ve until now trusted 100%, is not a recipe for a good outcome.

He deserves the benefit of the doubt (certainly over someone who’s shown themselves to have zero credibility) until shown otherwise.

If my DH did that to me, I’d be so angry. As I suspect most people on here would be, too.

I wonder if he’s scared of your husbands reaction so has quickly made up the fake account as justification? If he can try the whole ‘look, I thought you were cheating on her’ line then it won’t look as bad on him if/when your husband gets angry, and you both badmouth him to mutual friends?

Thanks all. Didn’t sleep much last night.
I realised after reading a post on here that the picture on the profile is not one that friend could have got hold of I don’t think so now I don’t know what to think.

I did speak to friend again but only to get him to send the screengrab just incase. He absolutely swears he’s telling the truth and said he wishes he had gone about it differently and could go back and change it but to be honest I don’t give a fuck
how he feels right now.

Fuck. This is horrible for you, OP.

Your friend is right, he went about it horribly. Especially as you might be in need of extra support soon.

I know it’s horrible, but before your H comes back today I’d be setting up an account with a burner email to see if I could gather evidence to put to him later.

Shit, sorry OP. I think bear in mind that unfortunately both things could potentially be true. Your friend could be a sleaze and your husband could be arsing about on OLD. Could also be a misunderstanding all round so keep an open mind but your friend's crappy behaviour doesn't automatically absolve your husband.

Given that this looks a bit dodgier now, I might be tempted to dig more and set up an account from a new email address.

Oh Op, that's rotten. I really hope your friend is wrong but I guess it could be true. What a shit as if it is true, now is the time you'd need him more than ever and yet he's shown himself to be a snake. Hope you have other good friends and family to rely on (although hoping even more that he's wrong about your DH!)

OP, you need to do some serious detective work now. Where is your husband? Do you know for sure? Has he gone away with friends? Do you know any of their wives? The flight being cancelled (check this if you can) gives you a great excuse to contact their partners to innocently ask if they know what flight they are now coming home on. Do you have a joint account? Or has he taken cash?

everything is shit basically.
I messed it up and probably didn’t think things through properly before talking to DH so probably wasn’t very smart about it. I found some other “evidence” as I did end up just having a quick look about as I was going a bit mad.
I wasn’t expecting friend to be right but he was. At first DH seemed less bothered about friend trying it on etc and outraged about friend saying he was cheating. But wouldn’t show me his phone etc

and then when he realised he was busted he turned it around and then decided to get angry about friend trying it on with me and accused me of always having had a thing for him etc, trying to turn it around on me.

how can things unravel so quickly? Is this how it happens? Really? Going from complete normality everything is fine on Friday to this? I can’t believe I was actually looking forward to this past weekend so much.

and I can’t talk to anyone in real life because I don’t want my family and friends to know about it on the very small chance DH and I can make it work, I feel humiliated enough as it is I don’t want everyone knowing about it.

I really just want to call my friend, like I would have done if this had all happened differently. I always used to read threads like this and feel so sad for the women but also feel like it would never happen to me.

what do I do now? I have DS to think of.

Oh Op, I'm so sorry. That's rotten.

I'm so sorry OP. You must feel like you've been hit by a bus.

Oh dear. So your friend was telling the truth. Can you forgive the nasty things he said? IF you can, and that’s who you’d go to normally, give him a call.

I'm gutted for you!

Unless DH is willing to be open and come clean about what he has done, then I don't see how it can work. He isn't even admitting it is true.

The fact he is trying to pin all blame on you is even more of a red flag.

Terrible advice! He will take advantage!

Awful as it is to be let down by both of them you shouldn’t feel humiliated. Seek support from family and friends you can trust.

In a way, they both outed each other as shitty people in your life.

If your DH never made the OLD profile, you'd never have found out your friendship wasn't genuine.

And if your friend never tried it on with you & tried to save face by telling on your husband, you'd never have known your DH was a cheating prick.

They've done you favours , and you don't have to put up with ingenuine people in your life

Keep these two scenarios separate OP, don't cross the streams.
Your friend was a bastard to you.
Your DH is a cheat.
The fact that your ex friend tried to use your DH as leverage to get a fuck from you is even worse, he's no knight in shining armour.
Deal with each situation and when the dust has settled you may find the time & strength to re evaluate, or you may well just decide to leave them both as bygones, men who thought they'd get away with treating you badly.

OP,

Pick one friend and tell.
Don't keep this to yourself.
It's too much.

You poor woman.
I'm so sorry.

Yeah unfortunately this. Men who genuinely only want to be friends with women is extremely rare. I, as I suspect many women, have had a lot of male friends not one of them didn't want something more. It just seems your 'friend' put the act on for years.