AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

[Reesewithafork]

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

This , I'm afraid.

I'd alway champion that it is possible but the longer I live the more I realise that it's only possible while one partner keeps quiet about wanting more or the timing is never right between you.

The thought that he pounced the very first time your DP was not around would give me the ick. Sorry.

I'm agree with @CanofCant on this.

You are married happily and yet he feels like you are fair game.

Good friends don't try and inplode your life.

Only you know the ins and outs of the friendship but for me he has crossed a line and there is no going back.

Ultimately he is not trust worthy and I wouldn't ever trust him again.

You are NOT to blame here, do NOT take on guilt that is NOT yours.

This is all on HIM.

My advice would be to end the friendship straight away. This is the type of event you don't forgive/move on from.

This person knows you are married and you have never given him any signs that you were interested.

Trying to kiss you was bad enough but his behaviour after it (blaming you for leading him on) is abysmal and he has abused your trust.

There is a big likelihood that this man actually finally showed you his true face.

well you were all right. Even shittier that it first seemed. Feel absolutely stupid, like I’ve been really naive all these years.

Even had the cheek to bring DH into it. Cannot believe this is the person I’ve been friends with, and thought so much of for so long. It’s genuinely like he’s had a personality transplant.

It probably sounds OTT but I’m devastated. The kiss I could have got past and laughed off.

Thanks for all your kind words, it seems strangers on the internet got the measure of him a LOT quicker than I did. 😫

What did he say Op?

I'm so sorry @Reesewithafork what did he say? I do think it's strange that this is so out of character for him.

He’s really sorry about what he said, completely unforgivable and a big fuck up on his part and he doesn’t mean it at all.

But he’s been wanting more than friendship for years, just wasn’t the right time blah blah blah (except there’s been lots of time when we’ve both been single so that’s rubbish). Honestly sounded like he was trying to paint it like some kind of grand unrequited love so I would feel sorry for him. I do not.

said he shouldn’t have approached it all like that but he found out something about DH and has been stewing on it and was getting angrier because he thinks I deserve so much better, and because of how he feels he just made a mistake after too much drink. Basically implying that DH is cheating and isn’t on a bloke’s holiday at all. And the “so much better” is him, obviously.

All utter bollocks, I’m sorry but even if he did think DH was cheating, I’m pretty sure that drunkenly trying to kiss me is not what a good friend would consider the best way to impart the news. I’m absolutely livid he’s brought DH into it, and is actively trying to turn my life upside down now which these little comments.

He’s basically apologised and said he wants to be friends still and is really sorry and can understand if I feel different now but can’t bear to have me out of his life. All the while saying he’s happy to wait because I’ll find out about DH soon enough. What the actual fuck.

I was so mad at the time I was shaking and just typing that has made me furious all over again. How DARE he.

I cannot understand why he thinks any of this is okay. It’s like he’s been taken over by some kind of shitty alien who thinks it knows how to be a human but has got it all wrong.

Ew how manipulative! That's much worse than drunkenly acting stupid. Did he say outright what he had heard about DH and from where or just insinuate and let you guess?

Oh my god how awful. Surely if you knew this big secret then you would just blurt it out to your best friend when tipsy? Not drunkenly try to kiss her? Or if you were stupid enough to make a pass, then drunkenly blurt out about this alleged affair as soon as you were knocked back? It really sounds to me like he's scrambled to make up a story to cover his arse and place doubt in your mind and your marriage. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him.

Gave me his “evidence”. Sketchy at best.
Obviously planted the seed now though ffs.

I just wish he had come to me and talked to me if that was what it was all about but that’s clearly not the case.

That's horrible as now you don't know whether to believe your husband or not. If he wanted a relationship with you and if your husband was cheating, he could have told you, then been a great friend to you while you worked out what to do. Now you don't know where you are.

OP, I'm sorry he's being such a dick. And of course, what's awful now is that a tiny part of you might wonder about your DH even though logically, you know it's bollocks - if for no other reason than if he really does believe your Dh is cheating AND he's so in love with you, he'd come fully prepared to prove everything to you at the big apology lunch.

It's entirely possible that he has been in love with you. Or maybe it's a relatively recent thing - possibly part of seeing how your life with DH and DS is so lovely and he's thinking that's what he'd like for himself etc. But it's not your problem.

You do need to tell your DH as soon as he gets back.

even it IS true about your DH (and frankly, it sounds weak to me), he has been selfish and manipulative. If he was your friend or a man who wants to be more than a friend, there would be better ways to go about this.

Oh Op, so sorry. And so sorry he's making you doubt your marriage too. If your DH is up to no good, how he has behaved is terrible as a good friend would support and look after you, not behaved how he has. FWIW, he's probably just throwing mud around hoping some sticks and he comes out the hero - I truly hope he's wrong about your DH.

Makes me so enraged that he's just another scummy man!

He’s dangerous regardless to leg into your life.

The male friend in this sounds awful and an opportunist, but men don't generally move in on their male friend's wives unless they think they'll get away with it (from the DH). So I would say don't shoot the messenger, check out the message says.

I thought he would say something manipulative like that! Even if it is true (which I hope so much it isn't, but as you say he's already done the damage by planting the seed), then he wasn't concerned for your feelings and didn't centre you at all. If he thought it was really the case and cared about you, he would have spoken to you sober and not made it into an opportunity for him to get his leg over.

It’s almost like he thought he was coming in like some hero. He’s text loads since I left, mainly apologising and saying we can still just be friends if that’s what I want.

What’s his evidence?

What an arsehole.

Well, that answers the question about whether to tell your DH.

More sympathy for you

Hollow laugh.

That's like saying men don't usually move in on other women if they have a wife.

Some men do. Some don't. It's ridiculous to say it's unusual for this to happen.

"Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it."

^This is wrong on so many levels

@Whatsonmymindgrapes dating profile app

dating app profile even

But anyone could have set that up couldn’t they? Like, friend could have set that up himself (I literally don’t know what to think at this point)