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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

147 replies

Reesewithafork · 05/06/2022 19:27

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 06/06/2022 17:09

Why/how the hell would he come across a dating app profile for your husband?

OP, situation with your husband aside, I'd be blocking this chancer for good. He is not your friend. Flowers

dworky · 06/06/2022 17:09

I'd be far more offended by the comment than the fact he tried it on.
He thought he could buy you. He was never your friend.

RhiRhi1996 · 06/06/2022 17:15

Yea I'd find it weird that your "friend" would come across your DH dating profile app as presumably friend has his preferences set to women. So he wouldn't see men. Even if he had his profile set to men, your DH profile would be set to straight. So wouldn't show. So definitely seems like he has made this up. OR someone else (a female he and you both know) sent it to him? But why would they..

Sounds like a heap of horseshite! Perhaps a last attempt to drive a wedge between you and your DH so you may give in to a 'night of passion'.

Which is a very shitty thing to do, very manipulative. At least you don't have a hard decision to make now, he's made it very easy for you.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:17

He said he was with a female friend who was swiping through and showing him her choices and DH came up so he took a picture of the profile

OP posts:
Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:19

I’ve never been on one so don’t know how they work 😐

OP posts:
RhiRhi1996 · 06/06/2022 17:20

It all sounds a bit to convenient. Like what are the chances your DH profile comes up right when he is there and being shown the choices..

I suppose there is a very small change he is telling the truth but it really doesn't sound like it all. When you tell your husband, you can tell him the whole story and try and gauge his response to everything.

Although it is a very shitty thing to lie about, a good friend would of told you about it not try it on with you.. I would guess he is lying. But would he really go to the effort of making a fake profile of ur DH to facilitate this lie ??

Very strange indeed!

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:23

I’m trying not to obsess about it too much as DH isn’t back til tomorrow as their flight has been cancelled.

its just a shitty thing all round really. I’ve gone from being stressed that my friend put me in that position, spoke to me like that and basically threw our friendship to now wondering if he’s telling the truth about DH and just went about it in a stupid stupid way. I would have said he would never lie about that but I would also have said he would never make a pass and be a dick about it so…

all I can do now is speak to DH explain everything, gauge his reaction and hope to god I’ve only had one shitty man in my life all this time not two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:24

Could it have come up because of proximity? Like if friend was close to our house when it happened? Is that a thing?

OP posts:
SAB50 · 06/06/2022 17:30

Even if everything he says is true (about the profile and the declaration of love), the way he handled it is so very far from how a true friend would. A friend surely would tell you about the profile and support you in whatever happened next between you and DH. Maybe wait until the dust had settled (assuming you and DH split) and then respectfully sound out the possibility of there being something further between you. Not keep it quiet, make a drunken pass at you and then drop the profile bomb on you when you're already upset as an excuse/attempt to play hero.

The way he's handled this makes me think he's lying tbh.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 06/06/2022 17:34

Oh good god!

He has really gone to town on this, hasn't he. Sown all sort of seeds of doubt. His ego must be immense to require that much collateral damage to assuage it.

Step 1. You tell him to fuck off. He is poison as far as you are concerned. Fuck off forever.

Step 2. Keep yourself occupied until you can talk to your DH.

Step 3. Tell your DH everything, every little bit of detail, including the fact that you have told the twat to fuck off.

Step 4. Work on not giving his poison any headroom. Live happy, piss him off from afar!

But that is one nasty, vicious head fuck he has bestowed upon you. Remember that viciousness whenever he tries to get back into your knickers good books. He really is no friend.

GoldPig · 06/06/2022 17:48

Even if true that your DH was having an affair or making himself available, your friend used that information appallingly - focused on his own gain rather than your loss.

I’m certain it’s bollocks anyway and I think you should have told your DH what happened even before speaking to your friend about it.

TibetanTerrah · 06/06/2022 17:50

Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:24

Could it have come up because of proximity? Like if friend was close to our house when it happened? Is that a thing?

There's another thread running atm where the OP has come across a friends DH on bumble (who according to SM is very much happily married still). She says she's come across 6 or 7 people she knows who are married (mostly from work).

It is a thing, but catfishing and fake profiles are also a thing. It may be wise to try and get the truth from DH by stealth instead of asking him outright and telling him all about this episode with your "friend" immediately. I'm not sure how, possibly with indirect discussion rather than showing your hand straight away iyswim.

WizardOfAus · 06/06/2022 17:55

Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 17:17

He said he was with a female friend who was swiping through and showing him her choices and DH came up so he took a picture of the profile

Have you seen your DH's supposed profile? Can you go online and read it?

It might give you a better idea whether it's a real or fake profile.

Newestname002 · 06/06/2022 17:55

If he was your friend or a man who wants to be more than a friend, there would be better ways to go about this.

Absolutely this ^^. None of those ways include a drunken, calculated and gross attempt at getting you to have sex with him - especially in your own home. How little must he think of you to think this is what enduring friendship is about? Damn him. 🌹

billy1966 · 06/06/2022 18:34

I think its convenient bullshit BUT I would ask for tge pic of the profile and all the details.

That he would try to implode your marriage this way with a lie is unbelievable.

I would want to have a full text conversation with him as proof of all that has happened because you have mutual friends and someone so awful is absolutely capable of blackening your name.

Get proof via a text conversation.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 19:00

I’ve seen a picture of his profile, how would I go about finding it for myself? I would text friend to ask for the picture but I don’t feel like talking to him right now, I’ve ignored all his messages since we spoke.

we are supposed to be going away for the week when DH gets back 😫 but I don’t think I can wait until after we are back to talk to him about it. I also don’t want to ruin our break as I doubt he’s going to be thrilled with any of what I’ve got to say.

OP posts:
RhiRhi1996 · 06/06/2022 19:07

I don't know your DH opp, but thinking of my own husband, I think he would feel weird that I'd waited so long to tell him something like that, may come across as guilty sounding. So I personally think it would be better to just get it out in the open as soon as possible but as I said, you know your husband and what he will react like

GoldPig · 06/06/2022 19:13

It will ruin your break if you don’t mention it as you’ll be on edge about it. In your situation I would be texting my DH asap to tell all, I wouldn’t be able to keep it in.

7eleven · 06/06/2022 19:46

Well that was twist I wasn’t expecting! Have you actually seen a screen shot of the profile pic. Good grief OP, what a terrible situation. Agree with what the PP said about cat fishing.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 06/06/2022 20:22

First - friend was so out of order regardless of your dh. He'd be dropped like a hot brick.
Second - can you not look at the dating site to see if dh is actually on it? He as yet doesn't know about his profile being seen so would have had no reason to delete it assuming he has one.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 20:40

I’ve seen a screenshot.

OP posts:
SunflowerGardens · 06/06/2022 20:45

What I would do in your shoes is set up a fake dating profile and see if you can find your DH there, and find out if it's really him.

Original poster
Reesewithafork · 06/06/2022 21:00

how can I tell if it’s him?

I think I’ll just speak to him, it feels like this is all getting really out of hand now, I’m not going to go setting up fake profiles etc

I’m going to get a takeaway, watch tv and speak to DH when he’s back tomorrow.

I’ve text friend and told him that I’ll forgive him but he can’t expect things to stay the same as they were, they’re irrecoverably changed, and I want space without him texting me every five minutes (as he has been today, not usually). Our friendship is done in the way that we knew it. I’ve also said if he’s lied about DH we will be completely done, whatever semblance of anything is left will be completely finished.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 06/06/2022 21:00

You need to talk to your DH - this is not up for debate, it’s a simple fact.

You need to talk to him as soon as he gets back. That you’re dithering about this for the sake of a holiday is strange. He’s your husband and this is your marriage.

If I trusted my husband, I would be going into the conversation open-minded and from a default position of giving him the benefit of the doubt, only changing that position if other information comes to light.

There is no way on earth a good friend of 30 years would sit on the fact that their best friend’s spouse was on a dating app, and then make a move on them before telling them - his credibility is through the floor by doing it that way.

Really sorry @Reesewithafork Flowers

DelurkingLawyer · 06/06/2022 21:01

Oh COME ON. Of course he’s created a fake profile.

If your friend’s behaviour was a Mumsnet thread every poster would now be screaming about what a massive enormous fucking drip feed this was.

“So I drunkenly tried to snog my friend and then I stupidly told her she owed me sex because of a favour I did her, and by the way her husband has been up to no good, and by the way I found a dating profile when another female friend I happened to be with at the time just happened to be scrolling by…”

OP, this is 99.99% a complete fabrication by your so-called friend. He’s either photoshopped a profile or more likely has created a fake profile for your DH. He has already behaved incredibly badly when you rejected him. He wants to save face and probably punish you for rejecting him and so he’s taken 10 minutes to create a fake profile to fuck with your mind. Block him on everything and don’t even show your husband this shit.