AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

[Reesewithafork]

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

Your husband is a piece of shit. He’s going to try to use the pretend scenario of you and your friend to give himself an out. Utter scum.

Not necessarily. He’s been a good friend for 27 and was a jerk once, when he was drunk.

The OP will know if it feels right.

Sounds like he was drunk and then got embarrassed and defensive.

Oh gosh just read the whole thread. Wow your friend was right. So sorry for you.

I hope you are ok, what an utter nightmare

DH is doing a classic DARVO trying to blame you

So sorry to hear. Just take time for yourself. it is not nice at all when you think you trust someone (DH) and there are fakery and lies.

No, he was a nasty dick the next day too.
OP you’ve had a really nasty shock. Neither of these men have your best interest at heart, can you talk to your mum? She must know the so called friend since you’ve been mates so long. Is your partner having an affair with a specific woman? Or has he been seeing/shagging randoms from this dating site? Was he with her/one of them this weekend?
Tou cannot trust either of them sadly. Literally neither of them have your best interests at heart and they both turn on you when you stand up for yourself. I imagine you are a bit of a people pleaser (me too so no judgement) I found when I stick up for myself for people who are used to taking the piss out of me they are very keen for you to get back in your box.
Do not get back in that box.

Maybe he was a nasty dick because he is outraged on OP's behalf. Which mixed in with fancying her too has made him act foolishly.
Only OP can know whether he's worth giving the benefit of the doubt too, and whether there's any chance of salvaging the friendship.

Ok. I missed the post about the friend being an arse the following day.

I wouldn't talk to friend again. He can't be trusted.
He'll see this as an opportunity to take advantage of you now that your marriage is in trouble.
I've seen it many many times. Men are like vultures just waiting to swoop in.

Maybe he genuinely thought you were up for something more. Now he knows you’re not. No need for drama if it was a one-off.

Apologies, didn’t RTFT

I'm so sorry.

I messed it up and probably didn’t think things through properly before talking to DH so probably wasn’t very smart about it. I found some other “evidence” as I did end up just having a quick look about as I was going a bit mad.

Its not you who has messed it up. Its your DH. He is a shit.

I wasn’t expecting friend to be right but he was. At first DH seemed less bothered about friend trying it on etc and outraged about friend saying he was cheating. But wouldn’t show me his phone etc

An absolute shit.

and then when he realised he was busted he turned it around and then decided to get angry about friend trying it on with me and accused me of always having had a thing for him etc, trying to turn it around on me.

A gaslighting, nasty shit.

and I can’t talk to anyone in real life because I don’t want my family and friends to know about it on the very small chance DH and I can make it work, I feel humiliated enough as it is I don’t want everyone knowing about it.

Why are you so desperate to excuse your DH? I said from the start that you had a DH problem because he already sounded like a bit of a shit, he wasn't there all weekend, you don't feel able to confide in him about what happened with friend, he has a secret online dating profile (and god knows what else he has been up to) and he blames you. Your friend doesn't sound great either but I think you should focus on putting the blame on your DH rather than your friend.

Oh and best of luck too, it sounds like a horrible time for you

That’s terrible. I agree the friend should have handled things very differently. I think you deserve better than these two.

How are you doing, @Reesewithafork?

I know you didn't want to talk to family or friends but, given all that's unravelling now - from two people for whom you had absolute trust - perhaps you need someone in real life who you can talk to in confidence and get support (and a huge hug) from? Wishing you all the best as you go through this hurtful and bewildering time. 🌹

Thanks for asking.
not great to be honest, barely holding it together. DS is ill with a fever for what feels like the millionth time in four months as well, which is just the cherry on the cake.
I’m just an anxious wreck at the moment. I suffer health anxiety as well which hasn’t been brilliant lately so all this is just adding to it.

im seeing my GP Monday about the health anxiety, I’ve told my mum everything that is going on. That’s as far as I’ve got really

I'm so glad you've told your mum Op. Hope she is a good support to you.

You're right to be upset, it is upsetting as you've effectively lost your best friend. This is men for you sadly (sorry).

I'm glad you've confided in your mother, so you now have a measure of personal support, someone who's completely on your side. My heart goes out to you. 🌹