AIBU to think this is really shitty of him?

[Reesewithafork]

I have a best friend who happens to be male. Known each other since school, I’m closer to him than I am my own brother. In fact I’ve often said he’s like the brother I chose for myself.

when we were younger I was the better paid out of the two of us and I helped him out when I could. Then he went on to really succeed in his industry, become well known in his field and became the bigger earner of the two of us. This is only relevant because he then helped me out on occasion (I never ever asked or expected) and when DH and I got together he helped us out a few times as well - not monetarily necessarily but he had access to things that helped us in a couple of situations. Again, never asked or expected just was grateful and he used to say without my help to begin with he would never have made it where he has.

anyway DH is away on a blokes weekend at the moment and friend is over from abroad where he lives now, we both went to a Jubilee party with some of our old school friends who we keep in touch with. It was lovely - my mum had toddler DS so it felt like such a lovely break and it was so nice to see him and the others again.

Got back to mine, everyone a bit tipsy, and he tried to kiss me. He has NEVER ever done anything like this ever, we are just not like that.

When I pushed him away and tried to laugh it off, he got really funny and said I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

I was so upset and hurt, I still am, I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. I really don’t think I’ve ever done anything to lead him on as I’ve never been interested in him like that - for the most part since DH and I got together we would hang out together the three of us or with whatever woman friend was seeing at the time.

Friend left after all this, and I’ve had a short text to say sorry about yesterday but that’s literally it.

AIBU to think this is beyond shitty? I’m so upset about it, as he’s never been like that before or even hinted at ever feeling like that about helping us out, about me anything. I can’t bear the idea of not being friends with him, like I said To me he’s family it would but I’m also struggling to see past what he said and the horrible way he said it and acted.

100% this.

I've been let down time and time again by male 'friends' who it turned out were just waiting for their turn to fuck me.

I think men and women can be friends if a close friendship started in early childhood, young enough that you basically grew up as siblings. Or if you already dated/shagged and got the ick and have zero sexual interest on either side. Otherwise, I really don't think so.

I would struggle to trust this guy ever again tbh.

I agree with billy that he didn’t necessarily mean what he said - but the fact he thought it anywhere deep down and so allowed himself to say it (the reason it spilled out when drunk) is the ugly thing, really, and changes the nature of your friendship.

Your friendship wasn’t built on a lie. But maybe he’s got used to his success and status and he’s not the same person you thought he was.

Hopefully he’ll reflect on it. I’d take a while before I told my DH but each relationship is different.

This happened to me a few years ago. The trust was gone. The relationship I thought I was having with him was not at all what I thought it was. No going back.

Its sad but he has ruined the friendship, not just by making a pass, but being a pratt about it afterwards. He knows you are married with a child, and I assume is friendly with your husband. He has broken a trust and behaved badly towards you.

I don’t think I could be friends with him again.

Unfortunately I found that all of straight male friends became a bit pervy eventually. I dropped them all.

I think this will probably turn out to be a scales falling from your eyes moment without a doubt. You've seen him as the man he really is, not the man you thought he was.

Even if you patch things up, you will always know that he's the type of man who thinks women owe him sex in exchange for monetary or other favours. Do you reslly want to be friends with that kind of person?

As a PP said - I actually doubt he really meant what he said about only helping you out because he thought he'd get something back. If that was really the case, he wouldn't have waited this long to make a pass at you. I think that was a combination of booze, wounded pride and spite talking. So I don't think you should be questioning your judgement or feeling stupid or duped or anything like that.

However, I do think he knew full well how hurt you would be by his words, and it's an incredibly nasty way to react to a rebuffed advance from a married friends. For that reason alone, I don't think that in your position I could salvage much of a friendship from this, even if he were to apologise profusely.

You say he's never short of attention OP and mention girls he's been seeing but it doesn't sound like he does serious relationships, would that be accurate? I just wonder whether he's labouring under the delusion that you and he will end up together? Might explain the nastiness if he's been (in his mind) playing the long game and feels he's now blown it by making a move too soon. Whether it's that or just that the mask has finally slipped and he's not who you thought he was it's probably the beginning of the end for your friendship and I'm sorry he's ruined it, I hope you're ok

The idea of never speaking to him again just makes me want to bawl my eyes out

Every time you feel sad about that idea, just imagine picking up the phone & speaking with him.

And then imagine him putting down the phone and picking up a small notebook to record what help/advice/support/laughs he had just ‘given’ you.

And what sexual activity he thinks that means you ‘owe’ him at some unknown future date.

Would stop me crying for sure.

Thanks all for the advice, made me think a bit instead of just shooting off an upset text.
I haven’t told DH yet which makes me feel icky but previous poster is right and that will rule out any kind of friendship in future I think.

friend has text asking to meet today so we can talk while DS is in nursery. Going to go, explain how I feel and why I’m so hurt and go from there.

I feel a bit melodramatic this morning but I guess the booze heightened everything as well. I’m still very hurt and really sad about how this might affect us as friends but I can’t undo it, I didn’t do anything to provoke it and I can’t change it so I guess I just need to deal with it as best I can.

Trying to kiss you was shitty.

I find friends financially “helping each other out” a bit odd, especially if one or both of you have partners.

We always saw each other as family, well I thought we did. So it never seemed weird to
me.

I think you’ll know what you want to do when you’ve had the chat.

@Reesewithafork

Your friend trying to kiss you in a tipsy moment is bad enough and would have probably caused awkwardness in the future anyway. But, him getting "really funny" and saying

I’d been leading him on all weekend. Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

is the kicker really I think, together with the angry tone I bet he said it in. That entitlement plus lack of respect for you in those moments would be hard for me to set aside in the future and would always be in the back of my mind. It would, sadly, be the end of this friendship for me.

I hope your talk with him goes well, but think you should tell your husband the whole incident, and sooner rather than later. Good luck. 🌹

It isn’t just that he tried to kiss you. It’s that he:

• tried to kiss you in the full knowledge that you are married and have a child
• accused you of leading him on
• told you he wouldn’t have bothered helping you as a friend if he’d known you’d reject him sexually when he wanted it.

He’s told you exactly how he sees your ‘friendship’.

I'd reconsider not telling your husband about what happened. There's every chance your friend will claim it was a consensual snog and try to ruin your marriage as a punishment for rejecting him. Even if your husband doesn't believe him, it will look very, very weird not to have mentioned it.

Someone who tried to threaten my marriage like that would be gone.

The advice about seeing him alone to talk through your feelings about this is terrible. Fueling the drama. I certainly wouldn’t dream of doing that before I’d even told my husband.

This is the bit where you decide whether your marriage matters or not.

i don’t think he’s particularly used to women turning him down generally, he’s never short of attention normally so I can see how he might have been embarrassed but I still find the things he said unforgivable really. I mean I hope he didn’t mean them but they can’t be unsaid now can they

Is it possible that the sweet younger guy you know has now turned into a player who sees the only purpose of women as being sexual? I'm guessing he's in his forties at least judging by the length of your friendship and if he's never married, then there are few men who are single at that age and financially successful and outgoing who aren't players. I would guess he now feels he is due his "payback" after being friends with you for so long. Horrible but possibly true.

I don't think theres any way back from this and the things he said. He clearly meant them and that is what he thinks. Personally, I'd cut him off, not so much for what he did but for what he said.

I also suspect he's moved when he did because of your DH being away. tbh its not great that your DH is away when with a group of blokes over the jubilee weekend if you were going to a party for the jubilee. Its all very well being modern and relaxed about your marriage, but could it be that the male friend has picked up on something and thought he had a chance as a result?

This is the right approach

There’s nothing to pick up on between me and DH, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my going to a party with school friends while he’s away on a fun holiday?

im going to tell DH but not while he’s away, that’s just fuelling unnecessary drama. I’m going to meet friend because we are both adults, I think talking about it is a good approach, I’ll see what he has to say for himself and go from there.

he’s late 30s and I don’t think he’s a player as such he’s just never found it particularly difficult to find a date. The reason I’m so thrown is because it’s so unlike him. If you asked anyone who knew him whether they’d expect this they’d say no - he’s one in our group that people always praise for being so supportive of women and womens issues/rights. I can’t work out if this is just a really stupid drunken moment or if this is actually who he is in reality and the rest is just a charming performance.

I believe men and women can be entirely platonic and have some male friends of decades standing. However, I think once a line is crossed as it was with him yesterday, it isn't possible to go back, especially as you are married; he knows that, knows your husband and it didn't stop him. It wasn't an ill advised pass between 2 singles in the union bar. You will be waiting for the next time and TBH, what he said about "getting something out of it" was most unpleasant.

Sorry, not great for you.

Yeh, getting you to question why he would have helped you if he wasn't going to get anything out of it would be the most unforgiveable thing for me. If he'd said ''sorry, i'm just so attracted to you'' I'd forgive (that's just me) but for him to insinuate that he helped you in order to GET SEX at some point? Wow.

I disagree. Imagine if it was your husbands female friend who waited until you were away for the weekend and tried it on with him? Trying their best to break up your family and then claiming your husband had been leading her in for ages?
You’d be happy if he popped out for lunch with her the next day so they could smooth things over and get back to being mates would you?
He’s no friend of yours, he sadly never really was.

If you asked anyone who knew him whether they’d expect this they’d say no - he’s one in our group that people always praise for being so supportive of women and womens issues/rights.

Unfortunately, and no doubt I'll be accused of misandry, but in my experience men that loudly champion women's rights are usually sleazy, self serving, hypocritical snakes.

I know you don't want to cause drama while your husband is away but I do think meeting this man while your husband is in the dark is a bad idea as it creates a divide of sorts. It gives the impression you and this man have an intimate secret, something to work through. I don't think you should meet him, he should be apologising over the phone. You said yourself he sent a shitty text message apology. Surely if he was remorseful he would have been apologising in any form he could? Not waiting for a face to face opportunity to manipulate you which it what I think he will try to do.

I'm sorry OP, it is so disappointing and hurtful when this happens. He sounds like he is a creep that managed to say and do all the right things rather than the great guy you thought he was.

Then said he wouldn’t have bothered helping me out so much if he didn’t think he would get anything out of it.

This is the bit I don't think I'd be able to get past. He knows you're married with DC fgs. You helped him out because he was like a brother to you. He helped you out because he thought he was storing up sexual favours. Just gross. It would taint the memory of every time he had helped me and if I continued the friendship, his words would always be at the back of my mind.