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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking DH if we can take out mortgage at 55

166 replies

EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 14:39

I want to move to be near to my recently bereaved 85 yo dad (I live an hour away from him). Lovely dream house has come up for sale over the road from him. Ideal in many respects. But it's a big stretch for us as it's offers over 450k (likely to go for 500k +). Our current house (no mortgage) is worth minimum 180k and we have 190k in savings. So would most likely need to take out a mortgage. We are both 55. Likely to inherit about 250k in next few years (my dad says).
OH flatly refuses to take out a mortgage. AIBU to ask him?
My dad said yesterday he would give me my inheritance early but then changed his mind as it would be unfair to my 2 brothers (I agree).

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 05/06/2022 15:12

There is no way I would want to start again with a mortgage at 55 especially if I was already mortgage free.
I think you are been unreasonable expecting that, I think you need to be more realistic with your house expectations

GoldenLightNights · 05/06/2022 15:13

Would the monthly payments be manageable?
how secure are your jobs?
how much would you be borrowing?

I need more info 🤔

PupInAPram · 05/06/2022 15:15

Does your dad have room for you to move in with him and rent out your current house? If house prices do take a hit in the near future, your sums might not add up and you will have no savings or wiggle room at that point.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 05/06/2022 15:16

If you want to move closer to your dad, but your DH doesn't want to get a mortgage then your only option is to buy a cheaper house.

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2022 15:17

You’re going to need more than £100K mortgage. I wouldn’t be happy to do that at 55. More importantly, your DH is not happy to do that at 55.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/06/2022 15:17

Yanbu
Based on your earnings, it is entirely possible to take out a 20 ish year mortgage on the house, perhaps shorter. But maybe it would be better to top up as interest rates are on the move. The only caveat is you will have to work a long time or downsize if you don’t inherit and wish / need to retire early.

JudgeRindersMinder · 05/06/2022 15:18

This is going to sound brutal but at 85 your dad has way more years behind than ahead of him.
if you did move, what happens when your dad passes away? You’ve moved 60 miles from your current life, do you stay there, move back?

I’m sorry for your recent loss, it’s really tough losing your parents, but I think this is blinkering your thought process

RealBecca · 05/06/2022 15:18

Your partner is not being unreasonable.

If your dad will benefit from care and support and considers the upheaval of a a move on you and DH then it seems fair that he should give your inheritance early and adjust his will.

RealBecca · 05/06/2022 15:18

Could your dad think about moving nearer you?

Original poster
EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:19

In answer to various questions ...

I am going down a couple of times a week at the moment and it's costing me quite a lot in fuel. This is likely to increase. I'm also worried about my dad getting lonely.
My dad won't move house; also I found out from an aunt that he needs a second hip replacement, but he is a bit weird as he doesn't tell any of us about his health issues. So it's likely I'll need to visit / look after him a lot more in the future.
DH and I - our combined annual salary (before bonuses) would be half the amount of any mortgage so we could probably pay off a mortgage quite quickly.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/06/2022 15:19

Scrap that I missed the amount of savings. It’s a no brainer. You could pay that amount off in a few years!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 05/06/2022 15:21

EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:19

In answer to various questions ...

I am going down a couple of times a week at the moment and it's costing me quite a lot in fuel. This is likely to increase. I'm also worried about my dad getting lonely.
My dad won't move house; also I found out from an aunt that he needs a second hip replacement, but he is a bit weird as he doesn't tell any of us about his health issues. So it's likely I'll need to visit / look after him a lot more in the future.
DH and I - our combined annual salary (before bonuses) would be half the amount of any mortgage so we could probably pay off a mortgage quite quickly.

But at the end of the day, it's all irrelevant if DH doesn't want to take on another mortgage - and I can't blame him either.

Can you not afford to buy somewhere outright for your 180k, plus some savings?

passport123 · 05/06/2022 15:21

A decent nursing home costs aroud £80k per year. So that inheritance would be gone within 3y. Only take on the mortgage if you can pay it through earnings or other investments.

lassof · 05/06/2022 15:21

If your dad is recently bereaved, did you lose your mum? Grief can really affect decision making in the first year, if not more. Don't rush. There will be other solutions. A holiday with your dad. Take a few weeks off and go and stay with him. Rent somewhere nearby for six months
Moving house takes at least four months. At his age, sadly, you may not have much longer with him.

Staynow · 05/06/2022 15:22

I'm wondering where you live that you're commutable to London and have a house worth only 180k???

Original poster
EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:23

JudgeRindersMinder · 05/06/2022 15:18

This is going to sound brutal but at 85 your dad has way more years behind than ahead of him.
if you did move, what happens when your dad passes away? You’ve moved 60 miles from your current life, do you stay there, move back?

I’m sorry for your recent loss, it’s really tough losing your parents, but I think this is blinkering your thought process

Yes, I totally agree. We are blinkered. We are all grieving for my mum at the moment (She died in early April).
So probably not a time to make big decisions, I admit! It's just that something particularly good came up (the house). My dad offered the money but I don't feel it would be right to take it and when he thought about it he felt the same (unfair to my brothers). But we do feel a mortgage would be relatively risk-free, due to our income being relatively high; but DH does not want a mortgage. I am probably being unreasonable asking him to consider it, given the responses on here!

OP posts:
aquamarine1 · 05/06/2022 15:26

I don't know why so many posters are saying it's out of budget, you'd be putting down £370k ish, is that right? Your salaries more than cover the rest, even if you take it out over ten years. I'd go for it.

Original poster
EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:26

lassof · 05/06/2022 15:21

If your dad is recently bereaved, did you lose your mum? Grief can really affect decision making in the first year, if not more. Don't rush. There will be other solutions. A holiday with your dad. Take a few weeks off and go and stay with him. Rent somewhere nearby for six months
Moving house takes at least four months. At his age, sadly, you may not have much longer with him.

Yes I did lose my mum and I agree that grief is playing a part. Thanks for the suggestions though!

OP posts:
Threetulips · 05/06/2022 15:27

Actually I don’t think you are - now you’ve said it’s likely a £60 K mortgage and you earn £120K between you - it isn’t that big of a risk.

You can always move again if your Dad passes.

Even renting a spare room would put the mortgage down.

FAQs · 05/06/2022 15:28

Im not sure why people are saying it’s out of your budget? Your lending versus deposit ratio is low especially with your earnings unless you intend to retire early.

Sorry for your loss and it’s understandable to consider your options.

Original poster
EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:29

Staynow · 05/06/2022 15:22

I'm wondering where you live that you're commutable to London and have a house worth only 180k???

East Midlands
Lovely house, ex-coalfield area which affects the value
Currently, long commute for DH - moving house would halve his commute (I'd have to travel to work but not as far and can work from home most of the time anyway

OP posts:
Stuffin · 05/06/2022 15:29

If my DH suggested that I would be the same.

No way would I take on a mortgage. You say you are both working but for how long? I have seen so many people think they will be fit and well that age for many years but it's not guaranteed and know others that have suddenly died.

You should never plan anything based on an inheritance. It may never happen.

Original poster
EnglishDutch · 05/06/2022 15:33

aquamarine1 · 05/06/2022 15:26

I don't know why so many posters are saying it's out of budget, you'd be putting down £370k ish, is that right? Your salaries more than cover the rest, even if you take it out over ten years. I'd go for it.

Yes that's right
I didn't think it was that unreasonable but DH refuses on the grounds that he doesn't want any debt ever again - just as a blanket thing.

No-one particularly wants a mortgage, but our earning power is such that proportionally it's less of a risk than our first ever mortgage! Also DH usually gets a bonus (40k net this year but it varies)

OP posts:
Livpool · 05/06/2022 15:33

YABU sorry - but I understand it must be very hard for you.

Just find another house - one that you can afford.

I don't think it would be fair to your DH to be annoyed he won't take out a mortgage at 55. But it is totally acceptable for your dad not to move at 85, and seemingly has little or no close family near him.

I understand recent grief must be fuelling this but it would be unfair to push this on your DH

TheNeverEndingSt0ry · 05/06/2022 15:33

I wouldn’t be banking on getting that whole inheritance. Your Dad is very old and from personal experience once a spouse dies the others health can go down hill pretty fast at that age. A nursing home could wipe out all of the inheritance in a few years. If your Dad won’t move to you would he be happy with you wiping out all of your savings and taking on a mortgage just to be nearer to him?