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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FFS Pregnant at 41

141 replies

Curlyjaney11 · 04/06/2022 23:17

I have been buggered by the covid booster changing my menstrual cycle and have shockingly has a positive pregnancy test today.

I would love to keep it but think I would be unreasonable to. Been broody for 10 years but have purposely not had any more children. Firstly, I reckon I am about 4-6 weeks gone and have had a terrible month in terms of smoking and drinking. Have had 2 holidays and a festival in the last month where I have drank A LOT. I have 2 children aged 12 and 15 both with mild learning difficulties. One attends a special school and I think given my history, age and behaviour over the last month, the baby may have a profound disability. My kids are lovely and not hard work especially but they need extra help and not only am I worried about bringing a disabled child into the world when I could pass away when they are very young, the two I have need all the attention I can give them.

My husband is 3 years older than me and not in the best of health following a mini stroke. It would be daft wouldn’t it? Brain vs heart moment.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 04/06/2022 23:23

It's ok, you have time, you have choices, it's all going to be fine whatever you decide.

Ropesdope · 04/06/2022 23:25

It does sound fraught with difficulties based on what you haves said. It’s your choice though.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 04/06/2022 23:29

It's completely your choice but given what you say about your life, I would feel the same as you.

NrlySp · 04/06/2022 23:31

Smoking and drinking unlikely to affect the baby as it’s so early on. Only you can decide. If you are asking - which you seem to be - keep you baby.

OneTonNoodles · 04/06/2022 23:31

I wouldn't assume there's a profound disability. I'd have to know for sure.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Nsky62 · 04/06/2022 23:34

You could go ahead, and to place your child for adoption, rather than terminate your pregnancy, big age gaps too

AirGirl · 04/06/2022 23:40

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Not in the spirit of the site

Rtygfscg787 · 04/06/2022 23:50

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Not in the spirit of the site.

ThreeLittleDots · 04/06/2022 23:51

but you will certainly regret your abortion

This is nasty. Millions of women don't ever regret having an abortion. There is nothing at all wrong with making that choice.

Rinoachicken · 04/06/2022 23:52

Im 39 and have two children with additional needs as well. I was thinking g the other day what would I do if my coil failed and I discovered I was pregnant. I can’t say what you should do but I can completely relate to the worry and reality of parenting two children already with difficulties and the fear and uncertainty I would feel about adding another to that mix.

I think in the end I felt I would put the lives of those currently already in the world first, as difficult as that would be for me. I just think my and their lives are already difficult enough and it would not be fair on them, me or another new person. If they had their own difficulties that’s just added difficulty for us all to navigate. If not, would they then potentially have the burden of caring for their disabled older siblings when I’m gone? That doesn’t seem fair either.

sorry, I’m rambling now. Just wanted to say that only you know what is right for your family, but wanted to a know that where there are already additional needs/disability within the family…I know how hard that is already…

ThreeLittleDots · 04/06/2022 23:53

Abortions are caused by fear

Er, no. Abortions are chosen by women who have freedom over their bodies and are more than happy to end a pregnancy.

Overthewine · 04/06/2022 23:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Overthewine · 04/06/2022 23:55

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SunflowerGardens · 04/06/2022 23:55

No reason to think the baby has a disability based on your drinking, it's early for that yet. But it'll be tough starting again, I know people will say 40s isn't too old and it's not if it's your first, but when you've got multiple kids and health conditions are involved you don't have the same spring in your step for new babies!

Having said that it seems you do like the idea in some capacity - why not get a harmony test done as early as possible and make a decision using the results to help guide you?

Fuckitydoodah · 04/06/2022 23:55

I'm the same age and I'd find it hard to do all over again. In your shoes I think I'd be leaning towards a termination. Take a bit of time to let the news sink in though before you make a definite decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Noisenough · 04/06/2022 23:57

Nobody on here can give you the answer unfortunately. You need to make the best choice firstly for you and then your family. Do seek out professional, impartial advise to help you making the decision.

RobynNora · 05/06/2022 00:02

There are trolls here. Don’t let them influence your decision.

You will be ok. One in three women have had an abortion in the UK. It’s safe, legal and common to do so. Many feel very glad about their their choice and it leaves no long term mental scars.

Equally the majority of 41 year olds have healthy babies and testing exists to know for sure. Either way you will be ok and your decision will be the right one for you. Sending love.

Ohwowhoho · 05/06/2022 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Quotes a deleted post.

EatingMonster · 05/06/2022 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit of the site

I don't regret mine. What a immature thing to say.

lameasahorse · 05/06/2022 00:06

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Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sunnytwobridges · 05/06/2022 00:07

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Not in the spirit of the site

That is not true. Everyone that has an abortion they all don’t regret it. How ridiculous.

i had an abortion and never regretted once. And many people actually DO regret having their babies.

MindYourHeadDoggy · 05/06/2022 00:09

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Curlyjaney11 · 05/06/2022 00:10

Rinoachicken · 04/06/2022 23:52

Im 39 and have two children with additional needs as well. I was thinking g the other day what would I do if my coil failed and I discovered I was pregnant. I can’t say what you should do but I can completely relate to the worry and reality of parenting two children already with difficulties and the fear and uncertainty I would feel about adding another to that mix.

I think in the end I felt I would put the lives of those currently already in the world first, as difficult as that would be for me. I just think my and their lives are already difficult enough and it would not be fair on them, me or another new person. If they had their own difficulties that’s just added difficulty for us all to navigate. If not, would they then potentially have the burden of caring for their disabled older siblings when I’m gone? That doesn’t seem fair either.

sorry, I’m rambling now. Just wanted to say that only you know what is right for your family, but wanted to a know that where there are already additional needs/disability within the family…I know how hard that is already…

Thank you for everyone’s messages and especially yours x

OP posts:
iBrows · 05/06/2022 00:14

It’s a tough one obviously, but I think you are unlikely to regret either decision once it has been made - don’t listen to any randoms on here telling you what to do.

Best of luck whatever YOU choose to do

lameasahorse · 05/06/2022 00:14

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