FFS Pregnant at 41

[Curlyjaney11]

I have been buggered by the covid booster changing my menstrual cycle and have shockingly has a positive pregnancy test today.

I would love to keep it but think I would be unreasonable to. Been broody for 10 years but have purposely not had any more children. Firstly, I reckon I am about 4-6 weeks gone and have had a terrible month in terms of smoking and drinking. Have had 2 holidays and a festival in the last month where I have drank A LOT. I have 2 children aged 12 and 15 both with mild learning difficulties. One attends a special school and I think given my history, age and behaviour over the last month, the baby may have a profound disability. My kids are lovely and not hard work especially but they need extra help and not only am I worried about bringing a disabled child into the world when I could pass away when they are very young, the two I have need all the attention I can give them.

My husband is 3 years older than me and not in the best of health following a mini stroke. It would be daft wouldn’t it? Brain vs heart moment.

I wouldnt keep the baby. No one would be benefited from it. Plus the chances of having a special needs baby at your age/history and the amounts of alcohol in the stages where the most can go wrong developmentally?...
I wouldnt risk it tbh.

Abortions are caused by fear

No they aren’t, your post is really unhelpful and cruel @Rtygfscg787. My abortion wasn’t caused by fear, it was me making a decision that I knew was best for me and the existing children I already have.

OP, if you are decided on a termination don’t let anyone make you feel guilty, ignore them. If you are undecided I would self-refer to the abortion provider in your area, it asks if you are 100% sure on dates and if you aren’t they will scan you. I would go to the scan appointment and take it from there, they will discuss options with you and offer counselling to talk through the decision. But decide what is best for you.

I would love to keep it

I would keep it then

report the anti choice trolls rather than engaging with them, they like the attention

ffs MN is becoming so censored and even more of an echo chamber; it’s absurd. I don’t agree with the posters you are talking about but just ignoring and reporting people for opinions you don’t agree with is not the correct way to deal with it (I mean your prerogative to ignore but reporting is too much)

Very many women do regret having an abortion and it needs to be talked about. It is extremely unhelpful and anti-woman to suggest that no women regret their abortions. Just because you didn't regret it doesn't mean that your experience is universal. Regretting your abortion is not the same thing as being anti-choice by the way.

I had my firstborn at 41 and my youngest at 43. No issues there. Your personal situation is an another matter and there I can't advise you but age shouldn't be an issue.

I would love to keep it

Then I think you should.

I can't believe women think they are helping other women by telling them that their experience of regret after an abortion should be censored and that they should F off.

Yeah, a lot of women don't regret their abortions, but a lot do, even if the reasons they had the termination in the first place are still valid. There's only two camps it seems, either you're right wing and say it's "murder", or you're left wing and say it's just cells and no one regrets it, and once again, women are left out in the cold fucking sad and isolated.

It's a decision that will impact your life significantly so only you can make that decision. I am 40 just had a child and found myself in your situation. I made the decision based on impact to family and financially we just couldn't cope. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it's one that will effect me mentally for the rest of my life. But it was for me the right decision to have an abortion. Don't let anyone sway you because it's you that has to go through the emotional and physical pain of this decision. Thinking of you x

@scaredorganicyoghurt

theyll have had abortions for very good reasons though (I.e any reason such as ‘I don’t want to be pregnant right now’ is a good reason)

@LuckySantangelo35 yep, obviously they will have had their own reasons, all of which were clearly important to them at the time. Doesn't mean that some women don't go on to massively regret terminating. Pretending they don't exist is helpful to no one.

@scaredorganicyoghurt

but you can regret and still know that you made the right decision

@LuckySantangelo35 I can promise you that doesn't make the pain any easier.

Dear OP. I am also 41 with two children, slightly younger than yours. I'd 100 percent terminate an unplanned pregnancy. My existing children take everything I've got and I'm far too tired to do the new born things again.

Sending strength for whatever you decide.

Like many women I was pregnant at that age, but without your other issues to contend with. Only you know what will work best for your family.

You have time and you still have options @Curlyjaney11. Whatever you do is the right decision for you and your family.

Yeah, a lot of women don't regret their abortions, but a lot do, even if the reasons they had the termination in the first place are still valid. There's only two camps it seems, either you're right wing and say it's "murder", or you're left wing and say it's just cells and no one regrets it, and once again, women are left out in the cold fucking sad and isolated.

The issue has become so political and politics are tribalistic these days: my tribe thinks X, Y, Z is right so I must be all for them, while the other tribe thinks A, B, C is right so I must hate A, B, C. All nuance is lost, as are individual experiences. Very sad, and in this case extremely hurtful as those women who indeed are sad and regretful can in addition start feeling ashamed for having those feelings.

@scaredorganicyoghurt

but what’s the alternative? To go and ahead and have a child that you can’t or don’t want to look after for 18 years?

@LuckySantangelo35 the alternative is to allow women who are suffering horrendously to discuss their experiences without being told to "bore off" or to have their comments be censored. Just because I regret my abortion every second of every day and have panic attacks daily, it does not mean that I think any woman should be forced through a pregnancy she doesn't want/feels she can't go through. I'm extremely thankful that abortion in legal and safe, but that doesn't mean I condone lying and saying that no woman will ever regret a termination, when they are an awful lot of us that do.

@DuckDuckNo yes exactly. Women need to help other women and support each other where we can. Life is full of cruelties and sometimes we need to do things that come at a huge personal cost. I wish OP the best with this decision, because for so many it can be an excruciating decision. Sending you lots of love OP, I'm sure you will come to the decision that is best for you and your family xx

This.

I'd prioritise the children already here also with thought to your husband's health. But only you can make the decision.

I think 41 is a fine age to have a child and know many great parents who choose to do so.

However in your situation I would be thinking very hard about it.

Your DCs will probably have left home by the time it starts school, your DH is poorly and you won’t be able to go to festivals drinking and smoking like you do now.

My DD is almost 15 and although I’m only 31 and could easily have more children I won’t.
I am finally able to have more of a social life and do things I couldn’t do when she was younger.
I couldn’t bare doing the whole thing all over again even though I love kids and wanted lots of them.

You said you would love to keep it. That makes me wonder if you would regret it if you did have an abortion.

I regret mine. Living with abortion regret is like being tortured daily and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Please talk to people irl and be 100% sure of your decision.