FFS Pregnant at 41

[Curlyjaney11]

I have been buggered by the covid booster changing my menstrual cycle and have shockingly has a positive pregnancy test today.

I would love to keep it but think I would be unreasonable to. Been broody for 10 years but have purposely not had any more children. Firstly, I reckon I am about 4-6 weeks gone and have had a terrible month in terms of smoking and drinking. Have had 2 holidays and a festival in the last month where I have drank A LOT. I have 2 children aged 12 and 15 both with mild learning difficulties. One attends a special school and I think given my history, age and behaviour over the last month, the baby may have a profound disability. My kids are lovely and not hard work especially but they need extra help and not only am I worried about bringing a disabled child into the world when I could pass away when they are very young, the two I have need all the attention I can give them.

My husband is 3 years older than me and not in the best of health following a mini stroke. It would be daft wouldn’t it? Brain vs heart moment.

The best advice you've had on this thread is the person who said imagine that you wake up tomorrow and you are not pregnant. Are you relieved or sad? That is your answer.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It will be the right choice as long as it is your decision.

I hugely regretted a termination at 39 because I was guilted into it by DH and DM. I went on to have another baby at almost 44 when my youngest was 15. Now a teen that baby is the light of my life but has SEN, and has directly impacted my career. That's OK because I wanted another child but had I not it would have been too big a price to pay.

You have time to decide but it must be your decision.

The way you are describing it is as if you want to convince yourself not to keep it. This is completely fine. I think your wording says a lot and speaks for itself.

^This^^
A lot of people on here saying they would have an abortion and fair enough as they are entitled to their opinion as the op is looking for help to decide.
What I find disgusting is a good portion of the people with that opinion bully and shouting at the posters that offer some reasons as to continuing with the pregnancy,surely the op will value people's opinions for both sides.

There’s a difference between offering an opinion in support of the OP continuing the pregnancy if that’s what she wants to do, and lying to OP by saying she’ll forever regret abortion because all women do. That isn’t supporting OP, that’s pushing an agenda.

And telling posters that peddle bullshit that, you know, they’re peddling bullshit, is not ‘bullying’.

@whumpthereitis

but because the comment was reported I can’t even see or know if your paraphrasing is accurate. Did the poster really say “all women regret abortion”?

Along with ‘no one ever regrets a child’. The usual pro life bingos.

@whumpthereitis the post didn't say "no one ever regrets a child", I am 90% sure. I'm equally as sure it didn't say "all women regret their abortions". I do remember one line towards the end that came across as preachy and anti-abortion though.

OP has said she is unsure and that she is having a brain V heart moment. Women who had abortions and regretted them sharing their experience I don't think is "pushing an agenda". OP is clearly torn and looking for advice from all sides, and one of those sides is women being unsure or forced and then end up regretting it.

take a look at the immediate replies to it for an idea. Both of those sentiments were expressed: you won’t regret a child but you will an abortion.

It was plainly agenda driven.

^and this wasn’t a poster speaking on their own abortion.

That post she said she had a termination and regretted it. I don't know if it was agenda driven or not, but loads of people immediately jumped down her throat saying women don't regret their abortions (because they/their friend didn't regret theirs), which as someone who bitterly regrets her abortion and has been getting comfort from speaking to other women going through the same on this site, I found unpleasant.

If OP decided that termination is what she wants because of her family and responsibilities, she will be supported by all here I think. What I (and others) are saying is that yes it's very possible to be torn before terminating, doing it, and then regretting it. It's a pain unlike any other. I hope OP finds peace and resolution, because an unplanned pregnancy is utterly terrifying.

We’re talking about different posters.

This was someone who was deleted. She dared to tell the op of their own experience. She had an abortion and regretted it. It has obviously been reported and cancelled.

What an absolute joke of a site which pretends to believe in a womans right to choose and then deletes other opinions!!

Plus the person who reported it needs to think why someone would ask on aibu. It was options the op wanted, not a bunch of echos! How many of those who reported it have actually had an abortion? How many commenting have?

I reported it. I’ve had abortions that I’m very happy about. What’s your point?

the deleted post literally did say ‘every woman regrets abortion’ or ‘all women regret their abortions’ or something of that ilk. I remember because the stupidity of stating that as fact is what made me report it

I have 2 children with autism and ID so can understand your predicament from that perspective. If i were to become pregnant now I can honestly say I would have to think long and hard about continuing the pregnancy. Firstly i would have to consider the needs of my existing children and also the demands that another baby would place on an already stressful life and family. I would expect that the new baby would also have additional needs. Best of luck with your decision, its not an easy one and not a position anyone would want to be in. But whatever you decide know that you've done it for the right reasons and make you get some support for yourself. Sending love x

Im 41 too
2 kids both younger than yours and both neuro typical
Slightly older dh with some health issues
Pregnancy at this stage in life would be the absolutely last thing i would want and absolutely i would have a termination. For me, my family and all of our futures.
Hope youve managed to find some comfort in this thread.

I agree, if you want to keep the baby, keep it. Your post sounds to me that you do want to but are trying to rationalise yourself out of it, which is dangerous when this is so important. Be honest with yourself. Also if you’re worried about SEN have a word with a specialist (consultant), privately if necessary, and really get the odds explained properly. Unless your elder kids have a genetic condition then the likelihood is that the chances of SEN are not much higher and the vast majority of babies born to women of 41 are perfectly healthy. Plus you will have many chances into the pregnancy to screen for disabilities- that’s what tests are for- you don’t need to make a decision now based on a worst case scenario.

@theufointhe my point is your experience is not the be all and end all of the conversation. There was a time women couldn't talk about having abortions! Now they can't talk about it if they regret it!

I'd love to know your reason for reporting it if you have no regrets? I have no regrets over mine and I guess that's why I don't feel the need to erase other opinions.

It’s not erasing other opinions. If the post had said ‘I regret my abortion’ and left it at that, fine. But it didn’t. Because in the panic of thinking ‘fuck I’m pregnant and don’t know what to do’ I might have been in enough of a panic to be influenced by reading someone saying ‘all women regret their abortions’ and think well shit I’d better not have one then. I was genuinely in that much of a mess mentally I could have easily been swayed by something like that. Now of course I see it for the outright lie it is.

Then quote it and challenge it. Sorry but you had 2 posts deleted because they didn't suit you and how you felt. I was also in a bad place when I made my choice, if I think about it the only regret I actually have is that not one person said to me that it could work out.

I'm baffled how mumsnet let an individual dictate what is allowed on a thread. Especially one posted where the person opened up about their own experience. I doubt you ever will but maybe think before you report next time, the op isn't a child who needs protecting.

@Sometimeswinning

i absolutely agree with you. MN is doing way too much censorship and deletion at the moment, for personal opinions and stuff that one person doesn’t want to hear, or finds offensive. It makes it pretty pointless. Deleting personal attacks or racist comments etc = obviously good. Deleting differing opinions? Dangerous

You’re more than welcome to waste your time engaging with pro lifers. I’m not doing it

@theufointhe The woman you reported had been through an abortion and regretted it. You silenced her.

I'm not engaging with people who believe in forced pregnancy, I'm trying to explain to you the option of freedom of speech and having the ability to ignore or disagree. I think your opinion and actions are just as damaging as those you reported.

if you think it’s ok to state that all women regret their abortions on a thread where someone is considering an abortion, we’re never going to agree