FFS Pregnant at 41

[Curlyjaney11]

I have been buggered by the covid booster changing my menstrual cycle and have shockingly has a positive pregnancy test today.

I would love to keep it but think I would be unreasonable to. Been broody for 10 years but have purposely not had any more children. Firstly, I reckon I am about 4-6 weeks gone and have had a terrible month in terms of smoking and drinking. Have had 2 holidays and a festival in the last month where I have drank A LOT. I have 2 children aged 12 and 15 both with mild learning difficulties. One attends a special school and I think given my history, age and behaviour over the last month, the baby may have a profound disability. My kids are lovely and not hard work especially but they need extra help and not only am I worried about bringing a disabled child into the world when I could pass away when they are very young, the two I have need all the attention I can give them.

My husband is 3 years older than me and not in the best of health following a mini stroke. It would be daft wouldn’t it? Brain vs heart moment.

Only you can make this decision but in your position, I would terminate.

@Hollywolly1 Your older children are not far from adult years.

Which doesn't mean that throwing a baby into the mix won't be a huge upheaval. Perhaps the opposite.

DH has a much younger sibling and in his experience it changed the dynamic with his parents for the worse. At a time when your relationship will normally start to develop into more of an adult one, they are suddenly get propelled back into baby times. They were looking at holidays to children's play centres and theme parks again, and doing things which the older DC would obviously not be involved in.

That is not to criticise anyone's decisions but I think the relationship needs to be handled with a lot more care when there's such a significant age gap.

OP, seems like abortion would be the best choice. If you do decide to keep it I think you'd owe it to yourself and your children to weigh all the pros and cons, because such a decision will impact all of you.

Also, don't blame yourself for getting pregnant (you didn't say but I thought from the tone of your post that you do a little). It was an accident and you still have time to decide and make arrangements.

I didn't ask for your opinion but, since you've given me yours, I can tell you to get some manners before you speak to others. Thanks.

@AirGirl

could say the same thing to you….who do you think you are to tell someone you don’t know who is clearly struggling that they would regret an abortion?? Very ignorant post.

Take a step back and look at the big picture. A baby now would mean less time with the two children you already have and less time to support your husband. A baby would also be a big commitment both in time and finances until you are both nearly 60.

As you would be an older mother there is an additional risk of complications and disability (the smoking & drinking probably not a factor so early on) so that would make the impact of a baby even bigger.

She’ll regret her abortion more if other women tell her how to feel and assume beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will regret it because how could she not?

The phrase “you’ll regret it” is so loaded with the assumption that she should regret it. But it’s her decision, her very unique circumstances, her resilience and rationale that she brings to the table. And as such, you have absolutely no idea what she will feel.

OP this is such a tough decision, and only you and your DH can make it, no-one on here can really help you with that as everyone has their own biases and doesn’t know your full story. It’s your lives not ours. I hope you will find peace with whatever you decide.

As an aside my niece found out she was pregnant at 8 months and had smoked and drank throughout, and her baby was fine. You need to talk to medical professionals, and perhaps a counsellor too.

There is nothing wrong with getting an abortion if that is the right choice for you. I’ve had one and I’ve never doubted that it was the best choice for me. Ignore the bollocks, it certainly isn’t true that it’s something that’s destined to be regretted.

Suggest sorting out some contraception

Women can be fertile until their mid 50s

I think in your situation I would come to the same conclusion as you have and put the needs of existing children first. Best of luck whatever you decide. x

If it were me I would terminate for sure. I can just imagine adding another child to your situation being a really really stressful and unhappy thing. I'm not one that thinks a baby is only ever a blessing and wonderful thing. Kids are stressful and expensive and with a 12 and 15 year old you'd be taking a huge step back into the baby days.
Ignore @AirGirl, she sounds shortsighted and a bit dim to think nobody has ever regretted having a baby.

Ignore the PP that don’t believe that women should have agency over their own body. It’s your choice. Because of your age and disabled dc, there is a high chance that this one would also have disabilities. Your life already sounds really stressful. It’s better to terminate and spend your energy and resources on the dc you already have.

After having the abortion, you need to sort out contraception eg hormonal or condoms. Many women continue to have periods in their mid 50s so you might have a while yet until you hit menopause.

Oh bore off.

@Rtygfscg787

“Abortions are caused by fear” is the most bullshit line I’ve heard in a long time

Aw mate that's a hard decision to make.
One thing that stood out for me was that you very much feel that your recent actions impact your future babys health. I hope that this isn't something that you blame yourself for with your older children?
You did not cause their disabilities OP. Just as I did not cause the disability that my eldest carries.

@Rtygfscg787 you are a dangerous person

The decision is of course yours but as a general rule wrt pregnancy/ having kids. I've always thought unless you viscerally crave having a child, to the extent it overwhelms you and consumes you that you must be a mother, a certain raw primal urge to have a child then don't do it. I say that even to people who are considering having kids and not in the situation you are in. I wish you all the best.

Personally, I think that's one of the worst reasons to have a child. You won't always be influenced by such strong hormonal surges for the 20+ years the child lives with you, but you will be responsible for their upbrining for most of those. It is a serious chunk out of your life to decide to go for a child. If you are not prepared to deal with the reality of it then don't have a child, regardless of how strong your hormones may influence you.

@CaptSkippy That's precisely why . Because raising a child is frankly tedious, exhausting and thankless. If everyone wrote a pros and cons list to use as guide as to whether or not to have a child the world's population wouldn't even be in the millions let alone billions. The fact is the reality of child rearing is so immensely full of trials and tribulations that only the pure hormonal desire could make me want to do it because all rational and logical thought says otherwise. ,

@RepublicOfNarnia Then I misread your post. I think we are on the same page in this.

Hope you're ok op, must be a huge shock.

In your shoes, I personally would terminate, and focus my time and energy on the older children. I would do it for them as much as for me.

Best of luck whatever you decide

Hi op, I am a similar age and have a similar family set up already - personally I would choose to terminate I think (obviously hard to be certain when not in the situation). The pp who suggested adoption is incredibly naive I am afraid, there just isn't this big queue of lovely potential adopters hanging around that people think there are, especially when it comes to children with extra needs sadly

@RepublicOfNarnia

i know what you’re saying but I dunno I think lots of people don’t nescessarily have that kind of primal hormonal broody urge but then go on to love the child lots

The op has asked for different people's opinions, not just those who give one idea.

Some people do regret and think what if. Should those people be silenced and told to bore off?

I don't regret mine. I wouldn't have the children I have now. If I fell pregnant now (40) I would definitely abort, but I felt my family was complete after number 3.

If I hadn't had my third I'm not entirely sure what choice id make. I'd probably follow my heart.