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Original poster

Friend upset I stopped her from watching me

232 replies

WhatWouldHillaryDo · 04/06/2022 21:30

My first post, though been here years. I can be a bit of a push over with some friends. I let a lot of stuff slide rather than be confrontational so I think maybe in this situation my friend wasn’t expecting my reaction and has overreacted. Interested to hear replies.

Anyway, I sometimes pop in to friend’s house to feed her pets when she’s away for a night or two. She has two lovely cats and I enjoy going round and fussing them. All good, no issues with helping out. But the other week she mentioned something in passing that seemed odd - she said she sometimes speaks to her cats when she’s away. Well, after some gentle questioning, it seems she has a camera in her home by the cat bowls so she can see and talk to her pets. But she didn’t tell me this and I don’t think was going to either. She seemed a bit sheepish when I asked, like I’d caught her out.

Now, before she mentioned the webcam, i’d agreed to go round last weekend and feed the girls. Evening and morning, I was happy to. But I didn’t feel comfortable knowing I was being watched, so I spotted the camera and blocked the view while I was there, and unblocked it when I left. Now friend is upset with me and said she can’t understand what the big deal is and I should have said if I didn’t want to be watched so she could find someone else to feed the cats.

I feel like I’m going mad. Surely it’s my choice to be watched or not. I didn’t think I needed to let her know upfront. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I’m getting and I just need a sanity check.

OP posts:
Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 06:58

You're going into someone else's house, they've got cameras and you don't want to be watched? Am I getting this right?

It's their house and they choose to have cameras, what are you doing in there that you don't want them to see you doing? If all you're doing is feeding the cats as per the request, you should have nothing to hide.

It's no different to having a burglar alarm with cameras.

Granted, maybe she could have told you about them before you went in for the first time but she's not obliged to.

SmartCarDriver · 06/06/2022 07:10

Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 06:58

You're going into someone else's house, they've got cameras and you don't want to be watched? Am I getting this right?

It's their house and they choose to have cameras, what are you doing in there that you don't want them to see you doing? If all you're doing is feeding the cats as per the request, you should have nothing to hide.

It's no different to having a burglar alarm with cameras.

Granted, maybe she could have told you about them before you went in for the first time but she's not obliged to.

Maybe she dances whilst she feeds the cats, maybe she over fusses the cats, maybe she picks her nose, maybe she just doesn't want to be viewed?

Don't you think it's really weird that the friend wants to view her? Does she not trust her?

If I was in the same position I'd be saying if you think my covering the camera is so I can rifle through your drawers etc, then you don't trust me. Get someone you do.

Luckydip1 · 06/06/2022 07:18

She should have told you there was a webcam and asked if you were ok with it. YANBU.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/06/2022 07:26

Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 06:58

You're going into someone else's house, they've got cameras and you don't want to be watched? Am I getting this right?

It's their house and they choose to have cameras, what are you doing in there that you don't want them to see you doing? If all you're doing is feeding the cats as per the request, you should have nothing to hide.

It's no different to having a burglar alarm with cameras.

Granted, maybe she could have told you about them before you went in for the first time but she's not obliged to.

All very fair if they are paying for a service, but you don’t treat a friend doing a time consuming repetitive FAVOUR over a number of days as someone you cannot trust.

GettinTrimmer · 06/06/2022 07:29

OP, you're doing her a kindness and a favour by looking after the cats. Not everybody is a cat lover and you give them attention; I have 2 cats and I am grateful they are cared for when we go away, and I am already worrying about who I can get to feed them in August when we are on holiday. She should have told you about the camera and not mind about you covering it.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt though; she says she talks to them and probably as they're her babies she misses them when away; it's for reassurance on her part, including seeing them being fed, although logically she knows you will give them enough food. I have a work colleague who has a webcam and watches her dogs and daughter when she's home from school with bf; some people are controlling of everything that goes on in their house.

Meraas · 06/06/2022 07:35

Now friend is upset with me and said she can’t understand what the big deal is and I should have said if I didn’t want to be watched so she could find someone else to feed the cats.

How were you supposed to know she was watching you?

Or does she mean since you discovered the camera? In which case she is annoyed at you for continuing to fulfil your promise to feed your cats? Bonkers.

SleeplessInEngland · 06/06/2022 07:50

I think you’re both being unreasonable. It’s a small thing on both sides that’s spiralled.

Katya213 · 06/06/2022 08:22

AngelinaFangelina · 04/06/2022 21:33

I wouldn't give a fuck if someone watched me putting some cat food in bowls 🤷‍♀️.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 09:06

@GetThatHelmetOn

All very fair if they are paying for a service, but you don’t treat a friend doing a time consuming repetitive FAVOUR over a number of days as someone you cannot trust.

@SmartCarDriver

Maybe she dances whilst she feeds the cats, maybe she over fusses the cats, maybe she picks her nose, maybe she just doesn't want to be viewed?

Don't you think it's really weird that the friend wants to view her? Does she not trust her?

If I was in the same position I'd be saying if you think my covering the camera is so I can rifle through your drawers etc, then you don't trust me. Get someone you do.

I had security cameras in my previous house because we had expensive birds as well as our pedigree cats and dogs. We went away for a weekend and my ex (DS's dad) stayed with DS in the house whilst we were away. We could see when we checked in occasionally that they were feeding the animals but discovered that something had gone missing one we got home. I went through the footage and caught him red-handed.
THAT is why I said, if you're ONLY doing what you should be, there's no reason to object to the cameras, it's only if you ARE doing something wrong that you would object in my book.
If someone objected to my cameras being on when I'm not home, then they don't get to go into my house unless I'm there.

Justkidding55 · 06/06/2022 09:10

You shouldn’t have kept the camera blocked up
because then she couldn’t see her cats the whole weekend. What is the issue really with being seen putting some food in a bowl? Yes she should have said but it’s not right to block the camera she has it for a reason

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/06/2022 09:11

Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 09:06

@GetThatHelmetOn

All very fair if they are paying for a service, but you don’t treat a friend doing a time consuming repetitive FAVOUR over a number of days as someone you cannot trust.

@SmartCarDriver

Maybe she dances whilst she feeds the cats, maybe she over fusses the cats, maybe she picks her nose, maybe she just doesn't want to be viewed?

Don't you think it's really weird that the friend wants to view her? Does she not trust her?

If I was in the same position I'd be saying if you think my covering the camera is so I can rifle through your drawers etc, then you don't trust me. Get someone you do.

I had security cameras in my previous house because we had expensive birds as well as our pedigree cats and dogs. We went away for a weekend and my ex (DS's dad) stayed with DS in the house whilst we were away. We could see when we checked in occasionally that they were feeding the animals but discovered that something had gone missing one we got home. I went through the footage and caught him red-handed.
THAT is why I said, if you're ONLY doing what you should be, there's no reason to object to the cameras, it's only if you ARE doing something wrong that you would object in my book.
If someone objected to my cameras being on when I'm not home, then they don't get to go into my house unless I'm there.

All well, but if you don’t trust a friend/family not to go to your drawers send the cats to a cattery.

The difference here is that you caught your relative stealing in camera after you missed the object while the weirdo in this post has been monitoring her friend while she feeds the cats. There is a different level of creepiness on that.

Blarting · 06/06/2022 09:18

Harmonypuss · 06/06/2022 09:06

@GetThatHelmetOn

All very fair if they are paying for a service, but you don’t treat a friend doing a time consuming repetitive FAVOUR over a number of days as someone you cannot trust.

@SmartCarDriver

Maybe she dances whilst she feeds the cats, maybe she over fusses the cats, maybe she picks her nose, maybe she just doesn't want to be viewed?

Don't you think it's really weird that the friend wants to view her? Does she not trust her?

If I was in the same position I'd be saying if you think my covering the camera is so I can rifle through your drawers etc, then you don't trust me. Get someone you do.

I had security cameras in my previous house because we had expensive birds as well as our pedigree cats and dogs. We went away for a weekend and my ex (DS's dad) stayed with DS in the house whilst we were away. We could see when we checked in occasionally that they were feeding the animals but discovered that something had gone missing one we got home. I went through the footage and caught him red-handed.
THAT is why I said, if you're ONLY doing what you should be, there's no reason to object to the cameras, it's only if you ARE doing something wrong that you would object in my book.
If someone objected to my cameras being on when I'm not home, then they don't get to go into my house unless I'm there.

I wouldn't want to go into your house whilst you were there or not, that level of distrust of everyone is awful, not a quality I look for in a friend.

Take your pets to a professional sitting service, don't literally be saying do me a favour, but I'm going to monitor it, because you might steal from me.

Maybe, look to some counselling if you feel so strongly about people stealing from you, from that event.you need to move on.

Far from you'd only not want to be viewed if you were doing wrong, you'd only want to view me because you think I'm doing something wrong and don't trust me.

DameHelena · 06/06/2022 09:57

Justkidding55 · 06/06/2022 09:10

You shouldn’t have kept the camera blocked up
because then she couldn’t see her cats the whole weekend. What is the issue really with being seen putting some food in a bowl? Yes she should have said but it’s not right to block the camera she has it for a reason

FFS.
I quote the OP:

I spotted the camera and blocked the view while I was there, and unblocked it when I left.

SmartCarDriver · 06/06/2022 10:01

Justkidding55 · 06/06/2022 09:10

You shouldn’t have kept the camera blocked up
because then she couldn’t see her cats the whole weekend. What is the issue really with being seen putting some food in a bowl? Yes she should have said but it’s not right to block the camera she has it for a reason

Who kept what camera blocked up? Not the OP!

wentworthinmate · 06/06/2022 10:23

BeautifulDragon · 04/06/2022 21:52

Lots of people have pet cams, it's normal. I think you & friend are both making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Do you feel the same about front door/ garden cameras? We never mention them to anyone either.

Yes. What a lot of palaver over nothing on both sides. It doesn’t matter she has a camera and it doesn’t matter you covered it! You’re both as bad as each other.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2022 10:29

"THAT is why I said, if you're ONLY doing what you should be, there's no reason to object to the cameras, it's only if you ARE doing something wrong that you would object in my book."

That's how authoritarianism starts. Can the police come to your house and look through your things for no reason? After all, if you haven't done anything, what's the problem?
Your attitude is shit.

"If someone objected to my cameras being on when I'm not home, then they don't get to go into my house unless I'm there."

Ha ha ha. People feeding their friends' cats are doing those people a favour. It's not a privilege is it?

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2022 10:31

"Maybe she dances whilst she feeds the cats, maybe she over fusses the cats, maybe she picks her nose, maybe she just doesn't want to be viewed?"

Exactly. She may have an itch and scratch her bum. Maybe she talks to herself as many people do when they think they're on their own.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/06/2022 10:32

"Granted, maybe she could have told you about them before you went in for the first time but she's not obliged to."

How is she not obliged to. Her friend's not obliged to feed the cats either, but she inconvenienced herself for this person who has no thought for her privacy.

DameHelena · 06/06/2022 10:46

I’ve been pet-sitting recently. Looked after them well, didn’t do anything ‘wrong’, but Id cringe if my friend could watch footage of me as I sang stupid songs to/about the animals, baby-talked at them, did flapping chicken wings at the chickens… 😄 Not to mention uninhibitedly burping etc as I pottered about.

SmartCarDriver · 06/06/2022 10:54

DameHelena · 06/06/2022 10:46

I’ve been pet-sitting recently. Looked after them well, didn’t do anything ‘wrong’, but Id cringe if my friend could watch footage of me as I sang stupid songs to/about the animals, baby-talked at them, did flapping chicken wings at the chickens… 😄 Not to mention uninhibitedly burping etc as I pottered about.

Exactly!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/06/2022 10:58

You're going into someone else's house, they've got cameras and you don't want to be watched? Am I getting this right?

But surely it would have been polite or even 'normal' for the friend to have said... 'Oh by the way, we have cat cams..'

Let her find someone else to feed the cats if you're not happy with it.

saraclara · 06/06/2022 11:01

That's how authoritarianism starts. Can the police come to your house and look through your things for no reason? After all, if you haven't done anything, what's the problem?
Your attitude is shit.

Exactly. This same reason justifies stop and search, randomly and for everyone.

How about you rifle through your friend's handbag? She won't mind. If she's not got any of your belongings in there, what's she got to hide?

ItWillBeOkHonestly · 06/06/2022 11:45

I too wouldn't like the idea of a camera if I didn't know about it. After all, when we're alone we might pick our noses or talk to ourselves (something I'd never do, obviously Confused) and it would be weird to think someone had seen that. So obviously your friend should have told you about its presence.

However now you know, I don't see why it's necessary to cover up the camera. If I was the owner, I'd feel weirded out if the camera was covered. Like, what are you doing that you don't want me to see? Just go in, feed the cats, wave at the camera and leave.

Regina70 · 06/06/2022 11:46

I totally sympathise with you OP. Yes it may seem a small omission by your friend but it touches on you feeling trusted, to care for beloved pets. As a good friend you volunteered to help. Instead of gratitude you learnt through a side comment that you have been watched/monitored, repeatedly which would make many feel uncomfortable because it's not just trust it's a little predatory. It is a power thing. Most people would have mentioned it after a first visit at least, to keep checking on a friend after several visits means there is something wrong with the friendship. You have the right to feel upset your privacy was breached repeatedly and if your friend does not respect your boundaries then time for her to pay someone to look after her pets.

watchingrnfire · 06/06/2022 12:00

You could have been on a private phone
Call not knowing your conversation is being heard by her. It's extremely creepy that she did not make you aware of the camera, if the camera isn't used for spying, you would make others aware of it.