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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend upset I stopped her from watching me

232 replies

WhatWouldHillaryDo · 04/06/2022 21:30

My first post, though been here years. I can be a bit of a push over with some friends. I let a lot of stuff slide rather than be confrontational so I think maybe in this situation my friend wasn’t expecting my reaction and has overreacted. Interested to hear replies.

Anyway, I sometimes pop in to friend’s house to feed her pets when she’s away for a night or two. She has two lovely cats and I enjoy going round and fussing them. All good, no issues with helping out. But the other week she mentioned something in passing that seemed odd - she said she sometimes speaks to her cats when she’s away. Well, after some gentle questioning, it seems she has a camera in her home by the cat bowls so she can see and talk to her pets. But she didn’t tell me this and I don’t think was going to either. She seemed a bit sheepish when I asked, like I’d caught her out.

Now, before she mentioned the webcam, i’d agreed to go round last weekend and feed the girls. Evening and morning, I was happy to. But I didn’t feel comfortable knowing I was being watched, so I spotted the camera and blocked the view while I was there, and unblocked it when I left. Now friend is upset with me and said she can’t understand what the big deal is and I should have said if I didn’t want to be watched so she could find someone else to feed the cats.

I feel like I’m going mad. Surely it’s my choice to be watched or not. I didn’t think I needed to let her know upfront. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I’m getting and I just need a sanity check.

OP posts:
SettingsO · 05/06/2022 02:50

Have a shit on her sofa. That’ll give her something to watch.

BirdWatch · 05/06/2022 03:05

You were not being unreasonable.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 05/06/2022 03:09

Yeah, I wouldn't like that either.
You don't film someone without their knowledge!
Or carry on filming knowing they're not happy and making out they're the unreasonable one;

SarahSissions · 05/06/2022 03:18

A pet camera is quite normal, particularly for someone going away a fair bit. She should mentioned the camera earlier, but you should told her you weren’t happy being filmed so she could arrange someone else. It feels a bit passive aggressive of you to just cover it- “Im not happy being filmed, but not going to tell you like an adult”
id be livid if someone covered my camera, they are set up to get a full view of the room- if they knocked it, forgot to uncover it etc I wouldn’t be able to check on my pets.

Luckymummytoone · 05/06/2022 04:25

I have one for my pup - sometimes friends pop in for me if needed but I always tell them about it and tell them to turn it off if they wanted. Not that I’d ever sit and watch them anyway that’s just odd x

ladydoris · 05/06/2022 05:09

You should have discussed it with her and made clear what her expectations were. I know some pet owners like to watch their pets being fed. It could be reassuring for her. You have the rights to your own image. You could have for instance cut the camera and filmed the pets being fed, and that would have been it. I would not have liked being on camera. So I don't know that I would have accepted to do it in the first place.

NumberTheory · 05/06/2022 05:29

I think, given she didn't discuss the fact she had the cameras with you, she is out of order getting upset at you blocking the feed while you were there.

But I also think, just as she should have told you about the cameras so you had a choice, you should have told her you weren't comfortable about it so she had a choice.

You both seem to avoid talking to each other in order to get your own way without the other person's perspective having to be considered. It's not a great basis for civil relations, let alone friendship.

cockadooodledoo · 05/06/2022 05:52

She was out of order not telling you cameras were there.

If I'd gone in to feed the pets not knowing i was on camera I'd probably be talking to myself, on a
personal phone call. scratching my arse, anything embarrassing that I'd rather not be filmed. It's just a crap thing to do.

I'd have no problem if i knew it was there. I'm only walking in and out of shot putting food out. But it just means people aren't in a vulnerable position.

Chocaholic9 · 05/06/2022 06:02

YANBU OP. I did some (unpaid) house sitting and occasionally came across these cameras - always seemed to be people who didn't tell me in advance that they had them and just expected me to be OK that they were there. I wasn't, and none of the other house sitters I knew were happy with it either. It isn't just you. I covered them, too.

If she wants someone who is happy to be filmed she needs to be paying someone who consents to it.

Chocaholic9 · 05/06/2022 06:04

SarahSissions · 05/06/2022 03:18

A pet camera is quite normal, particularly for someone going away a fair bit. She should mentioned the camera earlier, but you should told her you weren’t happy being filmed so she could arrange someone else. It feels a bit passive aggressive of you to just cover it- “Im not happy being filmed, but not going to tell you like an adult”
id be livid if someone covered my camera, they are set up to get a full view of the room- if they knocked it, forgot to uncover it etc I wouldn’t be able to check on my pets.

It isn't normal in my experience as a full time house sitter. Only a small minority of pet owners/home owners have them - and if the person hasn't consented to be filmed, you have no right to be 'livid'.

londonrach · 05/06/2022 07:48

Yanbu. I'd block it too. That's vvv strange. I not look after the cats again. Makes me think they don't trust you.

SarahSissions · 05/06/2022 08:02

@Chocaholic9 she was told on this occasion it was there and then covered it. If she knew it was there, didn’t articulate her discomfort to the owner and just covered the camera then she is in the wrong

PrivateHall · 05/06/2022 08:05

FawnFrenchieMum · 04/06/2022 22:53

I’m a bit on the fence with this one, we have a camera in our kitchen so I can see the dog when I’m at work. I’ve never thought to tell anyone entering my house that it’s there but we don’t have it on record (you can set it to record each time there is motion), we just use it to live view the dog. In theory my DH ‘could’ be watching me and / or any visitors and same for me when he has visitors but that would just be fucking weird. On this basis I don’t think your friend was unreasonable to not tell you it was there. However assuming you definitely remembered to uncover it when you left then it’s weird to be upset by this. My only thought would be, does she maybe think your doing something to the animals you wouldn’t want her to see. A bit like why would anyone be bothered they could be seen if they have nothing to hide?! It’s a hard one.

Wait, so I could be in your kitchen having coffee and telling you my deepest darkest secret, not knowing your DH could tune in to watch live if he wished? This is not ok, you really can't see that???

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 05/06/2022 08:06

DS and DIL had one of these . While they were away I was going in to keep their cats company (they had someone coming in to feed them so we weren’t tied down). I went into their kitchen to make coffee and had the fright of my life when dS’s voice suddenly appeared out of nowhere! No problem with it for me.

SmartCarDriver · 05/06/2022 08:06

SarahSissions · 05/06/2022 08:02

@Chocaholic9 she was told on this occasion it was there and then covered it. If she knew it was there, didn’t articulate her discomfort to the owner and just covered the camera then she is in the wrong

Why? The owner may have wanted to leave the camera on when the OP was not there. For obvious reasons. OP didn't want to be viewed, which is her choice. So blocked it, then unblocked it. What's wrong with that? What benefit was it to the friend to see OP feeding the cats?

Smartsub · 05/06/2022 08:11

To be watching you without telling you is outrageous.

Covering her cameras doesn't seem to be right course of action either though. I think either you agree to the current arrangement, say you'll only do it if the cameras are removed or just say no.

TreeP0se · 05/06/2022 08:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable for feeling a little discombobulated here.

BUT, I wouldn't fight this one out. You say that you avoid conflict. And I get that, I'm like that too. I never speak up earlier enough, when I first feel uncomfortable. Then I explode. Or at least, this has happened in the past. But on this occasion you made your feelings clear. No need to say more. Is she a good friend apart from this? You can stand really firmly in your own reaction, validating your own reaction without needing her to GET it. So what if she doesnt get why you felt odd about it. you felt odd about it, so you don't need a ''sanity check''. It felt wrong to you. So it was wrong for you! xx

Sswhinesthebest · 05/06/2022 08:12

No problem having it on - as long as people know they are being filmed!

Your friend owes you a big apology op!

mooonbaby · 05/06/2022 08:51

I would worry why you felt the need to block the camera. If you’re just going there to feed them and give them pets / cuddles etc what’s the issue? It would make me think you’re doing something I wouldn’t like to see by blocking the camera. I’m sure she isn’t watching you anyway, she just wants to see her cats

DangerouslyBored · 05/06/2022 09:22

Nothing wrong with petcams if the person being filmed is aware of the fact. However, its a violation to film someone without their knowledge.

saraclara · 05/06/2022 09:35

in theory my DH ‘could’ be watching me and / or any visitors and same for me when he has visitors

Jesus. That absolutely appalling. What the actual fuck? People have cameras live streaming when THEY'RE ACTUALLY IN THEIR OWN HOUSE AT THE TIME? And anyone with access can LISTEN IN TO WHAT VISITORS SAY?

On what planet can that possibly be okay? Do I now have to start asking people if they have cameras before I start talking about anything personal? Do I have to worry that if I step into another room to rearrange my pants or any other slightly embarrassing action when visiting, that someone could be chortling at their screen over it?

What has happened that we suddenly have no right to privacy, and that people are perfectly happy to give up their own privacy as well as that of their friends?

Onlyforcake · 05/06/2022 09:36

Your friend is probably the sort to rifle through a house out of nosiness and is furious that she can't control you. Leave her to actually have to pay for someone to look after her pets, she will then have to declare the cameras or risk getting refused service there too. So out of line to fix people without their knowledge.

MangoLipstick · 05/06/2022 10:03

YANBU. It’s creepy.

Why does she watch you feed the cats, so odd.

BadWolf2022 · 05/06/2022 10:05

Creepy behaviour why does she want to watch you.

saraclara · 05/06/2022 10:09

the UK is covered with CCTV cameras so you are probably filmed throughout most of your day anyway!

There is a world of difference between being filmed anonymously by cctv in a town, and being filmed by a friend and potentially having your conversations listens to/recorded by people who actually know you and can use them for gossip.

It beggars belief that there are so many people in this thread who can't see the difference.

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