AIBU to just do this?

[letsflyaway1]

AIBU to take my 4yo SEN DS to Paeds ED, let myself in the door (work in the service) and just leave him in there in some sort of Paddington like tribute?

Context is that he has a diagnosis of ASD, am lone parenting since his father walking out 6 weeks ago and am currently receiving 0 support from social care despite begging for help and self referring with a view to adoption/foster care options.

Am completely and utterly desperate and would prefer to end both our lives tonight rather than face the endless misery that is SN parenting.

Really too soon to say. The fact that I can go out after 6pm is marred by grief and sadness around him not being here ultimately. It was so hard caring for him but the house feels ever so empty now. It's a hard balance.

It's going to be hard for a while, even if all goes to plan.

I had to end a fostering placement in not too dissimilar circumstances. I'd thought the children would be with me forever.
It was awful and took a while to recover. I had a long summer doing not a lot before I really began to recover.

Oh gosh, what an awful situation. I really hope this placement works out for you.

Be gentle with yourself too, OP - this will be such a huge change to adapt to. A break away sounds like a great idea.

So you were the foster carer? Just hope she can manage him.

I was. But not like yours- I was originally an emergency placement, then a bridging placement, then they went to relatives, then came back and after a while were made 'permanent'. But a while after that I had some unaddressed health needs, the DC were extremely challenging (though not like your lad) and I wasn't coping well. My DC and husband were fed up. Things were getting worse not better. I realised I wasn't coping- that I wasn't safely managing them. I had to ask for them to be moved. It was all done carefully and so on. But I wasn't able to properly stay in touch. (Not my fault).

It's a much longer and messier story, I only intended to say that I know what it's like to be unable to carry on looking after your dc.

Yeah it's incredibly difficult to come to terms with it course. Glad to be keeping busy but still, it's a lot.

After the last failed effort, it must be so hard to actually plan and feel safe enough to relax. I suppose, one day at a time. Schedule a few low key treats- bath and candles, movie and popcorn. Whatever floats your boat. You'll start to feel a bit more secure as time goes on.

A little update.

Things are better but still tricky.

Eldest remains at his dads and on a CPP whilst they iron out any parenting assessments. He is at new school and doing well.
I am seeing him once a week supervised whilst they sort out proper contact.
I have elected to not see youngest until now. He has now gone under LA 51/49% and remains in a good place with his foster parent. He has also started full time in a mainstream setting.

I haven't heard from exH, but I have met someone a month or so ago who has been very lovely to me and we have just spent the weekend doing my garden in preparation for selling it in the divorce. He doesn't have kids or any significant ex wives etc and it's quite nice to just have adult time.

I'm glad to hear things are at least a bit settled!
Are you starting to feel recovered at all?

Op you’ve been through so much, I hope you can settle into a ‘new normal’ and find some peace and happiness. I think you’re incredible for getting through what you’ve been through without getting sectioned at any point!

That is a positive update OP, and I am glad to read it.

Wishing you and your children well.

Mind yourself.

Can I ask whether the two boys have different fathers? I was a bit confused about that. Why do you need supervised visits with your eldest child? Now that your younger child is in care can you not have your older child back again?

Because the eldest is still under a CPP and his dad was engineering any visitation to include him as well (to try and get closer to me I think) so if it's supervised then it lets me see my child without him influencing things.