AIBU to just do this?

[letsflyaway1]

AIBU to take my 4yo SEN DS to Paeds ED, let myself in the door (work in the service) and just leave him in there in some sort of Paddington like tribute?

Context is that he has a diagnosis of ASD, am lone parenting since his father walking out 6 weeks ago and am currently receiving 0 support from social care despite begging for help and self referring with a view to adoption/foster care options.

Am completely and utterly desperate and would prefer to end both our lives tonight rather than face the endless misery that is SN parenting.

I'm so sorry op. This is disgracefully difficult for you xxx

I do not understand why you brought your youngest home from the hospital. If you really want him adopted would it not have been better to refuse to take him home

I think given how little OP has been listened to, it’s fair to actually take her at her word. I doubt she’s decided on adoption without considerable pain, and much internal, and external, debate. It’s not fair to tell her what she ‘really wants’.

You clearly can’t carry on living like this OP, it’s killing you. It’s going to be massively hurting your eldest child, and your youngest needs more help than you can provide. This isn’t a failing though, in fact you’re being incredibly strong in recognizing that you can’t continue on as you are. I wish you the best.

Presumably she wasn’t aware then of the extent of his ASD, and the massive and devastating impact it would have on their lives.

whumpthereitis
I meant her recent visit to the hospital

Ah! I misunderstood, sorry!

@whumpthereitis do you think OP would want her child adopted if she actually had enough quality support? That was what I suggested. It's appalling that children who have two to one care on a rotating shift basis when they are looked after by the state are left to a single parent to manage. Outrageous.

I've been told by social workers that they can't collect a child because they can't have them alone in their car. Yet the parent is supposed to supervise the child and their siblings 24 hours a day with no respite, while also running a house. Outrageous.

I think it’s unlikely your DC would be adopted, you don’t say how old he is but you say you’ve felt like this for years so presumably he is not very young. Older children are hard to place as are children with SEN. If you relinquished him obviously the LA would have a duty to place him but it would probably be a series of foster or children a home placements rather than with an adoptive family.

A residential special school might be a better option? In your shoes I would try and research to see if you can find one any would suit his needs and then present this as an option. It would mean you could retain parental responsibility and contact; I appreciate you might not feel like doing that now but in my experience where parental-child relationships have broken down once the child is placed in a residential setting the relationship can be rebuilt and is often stronger than it was with the child living at home.

He is 4.5yo, due to start school in September.
I am so incredibly desperate. I have cried more in the last few months than I have cried in years. I am so so exhausted and run down, I look shattered and miserable. My eldest is completely flatline as am I.

I don’t know, and I don’t think it honestly matters what I may think. I don’t know OP, so I’m going to take her word for it and not second guess her.

Is he attending mainstream or a special school? It's not much help now, but my ds has been in his special school for just over a year now (switched from mainstream) and he is so much calmer and more settled. We have gone from multiple violent incidents daily to a couple a month. And the staff there have been much more helpful in signposting help available locally.

He's set for a mainstream with an EHCP and budget for a 1:1. Even so, he will need to go to full wraparound because of work hours and who knows if he will even settle into that. I feel so helpless.

This is almost certainly the worst bit, OP. I know that doesn't help right now, but from September there will be more people working to help him, more people who understand.

The after school and nights and weekends remain though? Nothing will change, his behaviour has got worse and worse as time has gone on.

Yes. But
you will get more time off, time when someone else responsible has him.
Some behaviours may improve with the structure of school and the skills he learns there.
Other people will share the safeguarding responsibility so may be able to access emergency support for you.

I'm not saying it will all be fine. There will still be times when you are at your wit's end.
You won't be the only person in the world with any responsibility for him though. That's what Kim getting at, I think.

And I'm not telling you to just cope until then.
If there is somewhere you can go, even if that's back to the ED.
If you can get signed off work so you can sleep while he's at nursery and do whatever might help you feel better. Whatever you can get, do it. Drop him at his dad's and drive away. Whatever it takes.

I'm just worried about you, and want you to try and remember that this is about as rough as it will ever be. Please hang in there, looking after yourself. Please.

OP, you may or may not choose to hang in there. You may or may not be able to. Sometimes the best case scenario isn’t the child remaining in your home. If you need to you can leave him in a hospital, or at a police station. It’s better to do that than hurt yourself or anyone else. Do what you need to do.

He already goes to nursery full time! I don't know if I'm missing something but I think it's the relentlessness of it all and the unknown landscape ahead of me.

I'm going to ring SS first thing and request an urgent meeting.

Well done! When you ring them, don't make calm measured statements. I know that's your default, but they won't hear the urgency.

I had a health visitor come out the same day once, after I'd rung for advice. I realised later that because I had a very sore throat she'd heard a desperate whisper rather than my usual sound. I've never had such prompt attention.

I'd stick to short sentences- I can't do this. I can't do it anymore. I can't carry on. I can't collect him from nursery. You need to help me.

I'm really sorry to try and put words in your mouth, I just suspect that like me you sound 'together' so aren't taken seriously.

One other time I was taken seriously was when I showed no emotion about something that I 'should' have shown emotion about. That got people moving too.

It is relentless and scary.

There's a charity called 'Safe Families' that does support care for families in crisis. They work with 36 local authorities. There are others. Are you linked in with any groups, yet? I can't believe the health visitor isn't doing more.

As a short term measure for your own wellbeing, can you take a week or two off sick, drop the children off as normal, and then just sleep, watch tv, potter about - just be, for the day? Book a hotel room for a couple of nights if that's feasible and spend the days there, away from home and the relentlessness of it all.

You can't get a break outside of school hours, so take one inside school hours.

Yes us single mums of children with special needs are triple marginalised. Once as a woman, second as a single mum and third as a mum of a special needs kid.

The fact that you are thinking of harming yourself and your child shows just how desperately burned out you are.

Can you ring social services and explain how desperate you feel?

So sorry to hear your plight. I'm a single mum to a dd10 with autism and it's incredibly hard work. I don't any support either. There are times when I'm at the end my tether and have nowhere to turn it's awful. There needs to be much more support for us but I suppose as usual it all comes down to funding. Shocking that you have to think about leaving your child or talking about suicide before anyone takes any notice. I hope you told the parent at the activity who told you off for your 'badly behaved' child where to go.

Prayers and love to you op
read your post my heart breaks for you
what a responsible and brave thing you did going to ED for yourself and the children