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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to just do this?

163 replies

letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 20:10

AIBU to take my 4yo SEN DS to Paeds ED, let myself in the door (work in the service) and just leave him in there in some sort of Paddington like tribute?

Context is that he has a diagnosis of ASD, am lone parenting since his father walking out 6 weeks ago and am currently receiving 0 support from social care despite begging for help and self referring with a view to adoption/foster care options.

Am completely and utterly desperate and would prefer to end both our lives tonight rather than face the endless misery that is SN parenting.

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 13/06/2022 16:51

Crocsandshocks · 13/06/2022 15:46

Yes us single mums of children with special needs are triple marginalised. Once as a woman, second as a single mum and third as a mum of a special needs kid.

The fact that you are thinking of harming yourself and your child shows just how desperately burned out you are.

Can you ring social services and explain how desperate you feel?

Yous are complete soldiers and I have so so much respect for you all

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 13/06/2022 19:43

Tried to get through to my social worker today but no joy. The nursery have said they will support me in whatever decision I make. Friends I have spoken to have had mixed views as expected. I'm just SO worn down.

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 14/06/2022 07:09

letsflyaway1 · 13/06/2022 19:43

Tried to get through to my social worker today but no joy. The nursery have said they will support me in whatever decision I make. Friends I have spoken to have had mixed views as expected. I'm just SO worn down.

Take it a day at a time xx

Your gp will have the discharge note through from a and e about your reason for attendance - have they been in touch??

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 14/06/2022 07:24

Nope no one has been in touch

OP posts:
hattie43 · 14/06/2022 07:48

I didn't want to read and run .

I feel desperately sorry for your situation . My relatives have a severely disabled child and two subsequent children . The older child just has needs over and above what they can realistically provide . The family life of the younger two has been destroyed because of the needs of the older . Every moment is dominated towards him and he has totally impacted a settled family setting , he is getting worse as he gets older .

I think what I'm trying to say is that for every person saying stick with it etc etc there are some saying we'd totally understand if you did make the decision to put your son in residential care of adoption . You and your other DC have to survive this and have a quality of life , why shouldn't you .

Make the right decision for yourself and your family and I for one wouldn't judge .

billy1966 · 14/06/2022 08:29

OP,

Your desperation is palpable.

I feel so sorry for you.

I think you do know what you want, despite it being a very difficult situation.

Your ex is such a waster and him giving any support being conditional on sex is both sinister and harrowing to read.

Have you told anyone this?
Please do.
It is coercive control and a crime.
You need to tell people the truth.

I think the ED maybe the only way or telling SS that you want emergency foster care while you take much needed time to think about what is best for you and your other child.

I wish you strength from somewhere because your load is huge.

nokitchen · 14/06/2022 12:02

It's perfectly ok for you to insist your child is taken into foster care. We used to be foster carers and had several children stay with us because their parents had got to the absolute end of their tethers.

Crocsandshocks · 14/06/2022 19:22

It strikes me that you will probably also be suffering from a fair degree of trauma post separation especially if your ex was controlling. This can take months to process so you won't be your best self for a while yet, even without the other issues you are dealing with. Could you ask social services about respite care? Foster carers will take your child for a weekend on a regular basis or similar to give you a bit of breathing space whilst you consider your next step. I'm surprised they are not even suggesting this as an option. Can you ring your LA and ask for it?

Xpologog · 14/06/2022 19:49

@letsflyaway1 I am so, so sorry you’ve been let down so badly.
Many years ago I was a respite carer for children with special needs. I looked after children ( one at a time) from a few hours a week to a couple of weeks at a time. I’m taking it that with budget cuts this no longer exists?
SS are letting you down badly, I know they’re short staffed, overworked etc but your situation is a real emergency.
Would your MP be of any help? The only other route I can think of is engaging a lawyer but expensive.
I wish I could help you in a practical way but I’m no longer registered with SS and am probably too old.

i think if you feel at breaking point at any time go to the police, with your children, tell them what you’ve written here — they’ll get SS involved.

Crocsandshocks · 16/06/2022 12:47

How are you today OP?

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 16/06/2022 15:48

Finally managed to get a manager from SS to ring me yesterday. Gave her the full run down, no holds barred.
She kept saying, well you are consistent with your story Hmm of course!!

The usual trope about how adoption is very unlikely to happen, and that they need to exhaust all avenues. I said that if there was a family friend etc who would take him do they not think I would already be doing that for short term respite I.e. a weekend ?!

Totally ridiculous and lots of virtue signalling as per usual, very fed up with it and the 0 support offered.

OP posts:
Ishacoco · 16/06/2022 15:58

So what were their suggestions?

Knowbodysphool · 16/06/2022 16:20

So sad to read this. Did they say anything constructive?

Philisophigal · 16/06/2022 16:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 16/06/2022 18:53

No suggestions; just that they are listening to me. What good does that do?! I want a full adoption for youngest DS. She said, if I feel like abandoning him I should leave him in a space space and ring the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 16/06/2022 18:54

Oh and that I should visit my GP, I said, what on earth will that achieve?! I'm not depressed, I'm sick of having my house destroyed, having our life ruled by a very delayed child and general nightmare situation!

OP posts:
America12 · 23/10/2022 11:09

How are you @letsflyaway1 ?

flowngo · 23/10/2022 11:25

Things are no better. Ex continues to have even more limited contact than before, I should be on call today but he didn't turn up to watch the kids so I've called in sick.

Social care continue to do naff all, and the general situation remains untenable. We've had an escape from the house requiring police to be out searching, complete destruction in the home, etc. it really is exhausting.

picklemewalnuts · 23/10/2022 11:37

I'm so sorry!

By the way, does your name change matter? MN will change it to the one you used for this thread if you ask them.

I wish you'd found some support, and I'm sorry it's so crap.

picklemewalnuts · 23/10/2022 11:39

When is he due to start school?

Have you registered your older dc as a child carer, or sibling of a disabled child?

Have you been to the CAB for signposting to other supports/benefits?

flowngo · 23/10/2022 17:50

He's in school but even they are starting to say they are unsure if they can meet his needs long term. I'm really at the end of my tether. My eldest barely gets any time alone with me.

flowngo · 19/11/2022 07:30

Little update. A week ago in court, social care agreed to a foster placement for him under a section 20 so parental led (voluntary placement it's called) so I retain PR etc. They're out looking for a placement now for him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/11/2022 07:35

This must be so difficult for you. How do you think your child will cope in foster care?

Theunamedcat · 19/11/2022 07:41

I hope you get something soon it must be so hard for you right now

RhubarbFairy · 19/11/2022 07:47

I'm glad to hear that they've agreed at last.

I used to work in a specialist ASD school. We had close links to a SEN residential home where some of the children lived full time. Others were looked after children in foster homes. Your situation is more common than people realise, but it's so taboo so it makes it all the more difficult to get support.

No judgement from me at all. In the school I was in, each child had a 1:1 at all times, rotated amongst the staff team for that class. You'd only ever have each child for a maximum of two hours before swapping to someone else. Some classes we'd swap every hour. It's so hard and I often thought of the parents and how tough it must be at home.