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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just do this?

163 replies

letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 20:10

AIBU to take my 4yo SEN DS to Paeds ED, let myself in the door (work in the service) and just leave him in there in some sort of Paddington like tribute?

Context is that he has a diagnosis of ASD, am lone parenting since his father walking out 6 weeks ago and am currently receiving 0 support from social care despite begging for help and self referring with a view to adoption/foster care options.

Am completely and utterly desperate and would prefer to end both our lives tonight rather than face the endless misery that is SN parenting.

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 04/06/2022 21:41

Sending you best wishes in this difficult situation @letsflyaway1

well done for seeking help. I really hope you and your kids get the support you need.

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 22:06

Even been seen by the consultant, really impressed at the speed tonight!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2022 22:07

letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 22:06

Even been seen by the consultant, really impressed at the speed tonight!

That's good. But don't let up.

You did the right thing!

Jenpeg · 04/06/2022 22:12

Well done on taking responsibility for yourself and your children, it's not easy when overwhelmed to make decisions but you made a good one this evening. This may be the turning point for you, be clear open and honest about where you are at, there are provisions out there for you it's just accessing them is getting more and more difficult but you are certainly deserving and I hope you get all the support possible to offer you and your children a more enjoyable life, you sound like a good person and a good mum who's going through too much

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 22:41

Boys got taken to a side room in paeds to be looked after whilst I get seen by psych liaison in adults. Just feel so so weary of life in general. Think the consultant can understand my general outlook rn so that's encouraging.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 22:49

I definitely did the right thing though. I am so so apathetic all the time that it's unworkable as a long term situation. I really really hope I get help tonight and it doesn't degenerate into an even worse situation.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/06/2022 22:53

That sounds so incredibly hard. I'm really glad you're getting help tonight.

newbiename · 04/06/2022 22:59

Hope you get some help soon.

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 01:11

Was seen by psych liaison in the interim whilst the kids were bedded up on a general Paeds ward.

Very nice chap who has an adult child of his own with LD's and autism too so had some lived experience which was really helpful and painful to listen to in equal measures.

OP posts:
Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 01:12

He said he'd been in the game 35 years and had never heard of a case like mine but I suppose first time for everything!

Really glad that I'm in my own workplace in a way as this feels like a safe and supportive atmosphere, just been feeling so so vulnerable emotionally anyway recently.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/06/2022 01:27

@letsflyaway1

OP I don't have any experience experience of what you are going through but I wanted to send you, and your boys, a handhold and my very best wishes for a brighter, calmer future.

I'm so glad that you are beginning to get the help you all need. 🌹

user1473878824 · 05/06/2022 01:30

letsflyaway1 · 04/06/2022 20:18

He has seen the children maybe 3 times, but is now taking the line of "you do something for me and I'll do something for you". I.e sex. I feel deeply uncomfortable with this.

My god OP, I’m so sorry

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/06/2022 01:34

OP I’m so glad you managed to get to ED, but I’m so sorry you’ve been left alone until it got to this.

Really hope you and your boys get the proper help you all need

HairyScaryMonster · 05/06/2022 08:03

I'm so sorry it's got this far for you. I really hope and pray they put in adequate support for you all. 💐

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 08:17

Thanks guys, turns out that the kids never made it to a ward due to not being admitted properly so I brought us all home at 4am as they couldn't do much else for us and I didn't want to bed block x3. They made some referrals to SS for me at least and I had a lot of conversations, some with colleagues I knew and some to new ones but to be honest didn't even feel embarrassed about it as am just so browbeaten.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 05/06/2022 08:35

Oh, @letsflyaway1 that's so disappointing.
It's good that you were at least seen, but not good enough that you were left to come home at 4am, in those circumstances. Worth a complaint, I think.

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 08:49

@picklemewalnuts I didn't need to be admitted from a clinical POV and the children therefore didn't need to be admitted ( we were all bedded as a social case in the first place). It would've been classed as abandonment to leave them there overnight so I decided home was the best place even at that time as I'd still had no sleep by that point and was getting pretty tired.
Kids had been asleep since midnight though! Damn them haha

OP posts:
Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 05/06/2022 08:50

There was realistically physically nothing they could do for me, it felt a bit like my job where I provide the solution and they action it.

However just the action of my attending, the referral outcome, etc will help in the long term I think. I shouldn't have to do this but I suppose better than me showing up with an overdose/attempted suicide later down the line.

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 05/06/2022 09:25

You did absolutely the right thing, which is the essence of good parenting. Well done to you and don't let up. The exhaustion is so hard, but MNs are here to listen x

picklemewalnuts · 05/06/2022 12:46

Yes, well done FlyAway!

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 12/06/2022 14:20

Just an update. Absolutely no help has been forthcoming.
I have spoke to Cafcass as contact hearing is upcoming, ex refused to answer the phone to them so he hasn't contributed to proceedings.

Yesterday ex had youngest whilst I took eldest to a birthday party, we went onto softplay at our gym after where we ran into friends who had similar age kids and they played whilst we chatted for a few hours (whilst ex rang repeatedly to get me to come back home while youngest slept?!).

Anyway, fast forward to getting home, youngest didn't go to sleep til 12:30am, house was destroyed when I woke up this morning, huge tantrums and floor head banging when we tried to go to preplanned activity this morn. Eldest lost out completely as we had to leave due to tantrums, was approached by a parent to tell me how badly behaved youngest was.

I think adoption really is the only option open to me, completely happy to give up my parental responsibility, and don't even know that I would want letterbox? Tried to speak to ex about it this morning, as SS will speak to him as second parent ofc, his response was that he would want to see him a few times a month maybe. This isn't good enough for me, I am so exhausted, so overrun with not having any support.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 12/06/2022 14:40

I'm so sorry. I believe I understand how you feel, yet I don't think you want adoption.

What you need is enough support to allow your DC to stay with you, and you still be able to feel like you.

Your ex is a useless arse. Does he know how you feel? Have you tried dropping the children at his and then turning off your phone?

I can't work out how you can highlight your desperation and need, without putting your eldest under pressure too. Has she told people at school that you are both struggling and she is worried? That may get some response.

Is your youngest at school or nursery? They also have an obligation to report safeguarding concerns.

I think this week you go to your GP saying you are suicidal and can't cope, and 'what will happen to my kids, how can I make sure my kids aren't the ones who find me' etc.

The problem is that you are presenting rational suggestions, like adoption, which detracts from the intensity and depth of your desperation.

I have been in meetings with SS where I have said I'm desperate, I need help etc. In my annual review it was written that I 'need to remember to ask for help'. Honestly! Angry

Is there anything else in this scenario that could change? Could you give up work? Could anyone else be involved in helping? Have you snatched every ounce of relief, without regard to how it looks?

picklemewalnuts · 12/06/2022 14:41

And I'm so sad and sorry for you! OP.

GinGinCakeCakeBrewBrew

Paddington bear is not the worst option. You could potentially be prosecuted for child abandonment, but honestly what can they do that's worse than your current experience?

Original poster
letsflyaway1 · 12/06/2022 14:44

picklemewalnuts · 12/06/2022 14:40

I'm so sorry. I believe I understand how you feel, yet I don't think you want adoption.

What you need is enough support to allow your DC to stay with you, and you still be able to feel like you.

Your ex is a useless arse. Does he know how you feel? Have you tried dropping the children at his and then turning off your phone?

I can't work out how you can highlight your desperation and need, without putting your eldest under pressure too. Has she told people at school that you are both struggling and she is worried? That may get some response.

Is your youngest at school or nursery? They also have an obligation to report safeguarding concerns.

I think this week you go to your GP saying you are suicidal and can't cope, and 'what will happen to my kids, how can I make sure my kids aren't the ones who find me' etc.

The problem is that you are presenting rational suggestions, like adoption, which detracts from the intensity and depth of your desperation.

I have been in meetings with SS where I have said I'm desperate, I need help etc. In my annual review it was written that I 'need to remember to ask for help'. Honestly! Angry

Is there anything else in this scenario that could change? Could you give up work? Could anyone else be involved in helping? Have you snatched every ounce of relief, without regard to how it looks?

Unfortunately I am presenting too well despite the circumstances as I refuse to allow my children to attend setting in dirty clothes, late etc.
Also refuse to give up work as that is an important part of my life plus don't wish to become a FT SAHM as I feel they have no respect whatsoever and I also need to be earning.

I'm not actively suicidal so I don't think that's the right call to do that, but I have felt like this about youngest for a number of years (well documented and have input from psych around this). If I was to drop and turn off phone, he would simply wait til they were asleep then leave (he has done this before).

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 12/06/2022 14:52

I do understand the other decisions you are making, and accept they are the right call for you.

I think you have to let the balls drop though. If he goes out when they are asleep, report him to the police.

How old is your eldest?

Fail to collect them from childcare.

You have to act your desperation, because no one will listen if you simply speak it.

What about special needs parenting groups? Church groups? You may find a church minister will ring around and find trained volunteers for a crisis situation. I would! Where are you, roughly?

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