Step mother gifting half brother his ‘birth right’ inheritance

[Undertherainbow00]

I just need somewhere to vent - I’m sure I will be shot down for being unreasonable but maybe someone will see my point of view or will enable me to view this through a different lens…
Family history in brief - step mother has been in my life since just before I turned five (I’m now 43) and she and my father began dating. My parents marriage broke down because of his alcoholism but being the 80’s, the judge decided he could still have my sister and I every other weekend. As a side note, step mother was eight years younger than my father and was approaching her 21st birthday when they got together. She too had a problem with alcohol but they masked their problems to the wider outside world… Her parents were not happy that she was dating an older man who was divorced with two children. However, as time went by, her parents (mainly her mother) warmed to my sister and I. When I was fourteen, my father and step mother had their child, a son. I should add that at this point neither of them drank but my father still had his uncontrollable temper that was often directed at me. She actively encouraged his discipline methods but would also be there to comfort me through my tears.
I fell pregnant at sixteen and to my astonishment both my father and step mother were supportive of my choice to keep the pregnancy. However, it could been seen as fulfilling a prophecy of their making… Problem child, pregnant at sixteen. I would just like to add, any problems I had were directed at myself - eating disorder, self harm and suicide attempts.
I completely got my life together once I was pregnant - worked and set up a home on my own.
That was all many moons ago now and since then I have made an attempt to improve my life chances. I returned to education as an adult and I have a career. However, at the ripe old age of forty three - I have never owned or have been in a position to save a deposit for a house.
Step mother engineered hers and my father’s will like this - their house split 50/50 her share to my half brother and my father’s 50 % share split three ways between all three siblings. Fair?
Anyway, her parents died several years back and left her a significant inheritance. She bought her two siblings out of the parents house as she didn’t want to sell it at that point. Today she has told me that she is selling it as my half brother is very anxious about approaching thirty without owning his own property. She is gifting him the entire proceeds of the house sale - a minimum of £500,000. I just sat there listening to her monologue of how much of his income is wasted in rent - I really can’t relate can I?
She waffled on that it was his birth right as they were his grandparents.
I feel SO angry as their property was bought from the sale of my parents house - so by that logic, my sister and I should have a greater share of their house.
My step mother has always spouted that she loves us all the same but words and actions are completely at odds with the reality of what our lives have been.
I feel bitter that I have forgiven them for their appalling behaviour when I was a child and I have never shared my experiences with my half brother. I have stood back and watched him have everything in life that I didn’t but this has really rocked me and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I am jealous that he will have a home of his own as I fear I never will.
I apologise for this ramble but if you got to the end - thank you! It was cathartic to just get it out of my head!

@AskingforaBaskin our morals are nowhere near aligned. I don't think there is anything wrong with providing for your children, but if you are a blended family, all children should be provided for.

The OPs father is allowing his son, who has just inherited 500k - I have no problem with that - to gain possibly significantly more than his biological daughters. This is where my issue is, and I couldn't imagine being with someone that was happy for this to happen.

Morals don't come into it. Why should the father disinherit his own son?

Each Individual is making their own legacy.

Maybe OP would be better if she hadn't been a teen mum. Did her brother create an endless money pit as a teenager?

My grandparents were in fact my DMs father and step mother, they split their estate between the six children they had both separately and together. They treated and raised the children the same although DM and one of her siblings were in their teens before they got married and this continues at the end, whereas really my grandma could've left her half to my two aunts (25 % of while estate each) and my grandpa's half would've gone to his 4 biological children from first marriage, and one shared with my grandma - 10% of the whole estate each, meaning you would've had one with 35%, one with 25% and 4 with 10%, but instead all 6 are willed equal shares of the whole estate .
I can see why it hurts OP.

I think you need to talk to your dad and remind him about how your mum lost out on the divorce and how that impacted yours and your sisters lives and how you haven’t had the ability to get on the property ladder. You won’t inherit anything from your mum as her money went into their house.
your step mum is doing nothing wrong by passing on her own parents estate to her own son.
however if your dad passes awayfirst you might find yourself with later upset and disappointment as often marital houses are set up as joint tenants meaning full ownership passes to the surviving spouse on death and not to anybody named in their will. This could mean step mum will have their full house and on her later death it could also go entirely to your brother as she isn’t naming you two in her will.

Sorry OP, but she's not your mother. If she were you would be right to be mad, but she's not related to you and doesn't have to provide for you.

@AskingforaBaskin where have I said the father should disinherit his son?

Wow, comment about OP being better if she hadn't been a teen mum is vicious and irrelevant! You are pleasant aren't you?

So Step mum has 50% and Dad has 50% so either you expect step mum to pay up or Dad to hand more of his to the girls rather than his son?

Which is it?

Also it's very relevant. She is bitter that she isn't a home owner. But is blaming her Step mother rather than look at everything.

She had a woman who managed to raise a troubled teen believing she was loved as much as her own son

That's damn well extodinary. I wouldn't be able to handle such a child that wasn't my own

And yet OP still thinks she should be given more.

Sorry, I should've been more clear. When you become a partner to someone, especially over a significant period of time, 'mine' becomes 'ours'. I've been with my partner for 21 years, and everything we own, is ours. That it also things that aren't monetary and applies to his daughter too, my step-daughter. So, I don't have a child, but if we shared a child, they would receive an equal share as their sibling, who wasn't my biological child. We ha set this up in a will before we knew we wouldn't have children. Everything we own is ours, and it would've been split equally regardless. Anything else, I don't understand.

@AskingforaBaskin see above

So you have decided what yo do with your money. Brilliant.

Crazy thing but people are different.
Some married people even keep their finances separate.

@AskingforaBaskin Oh, to answer your question, step-mum to give fairly to all her children, whether biological or not. That's how it works in my world.

OK. But this isn't your world and its her money.

@AskingforaBaskin yep, one i can't get my head round, and one I wouldn't want to be a part of, especially if it meant some of my biological children were being left out. Having said that, I wouldn't be married to someone with such an attitude. Therefore, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Also, if I was the brother, I'd make sure my sisters got their fair share and I'd split my inheritance equally. He might 😊

So don't blend families. Other people are not responsible for children they didn't make.

He has 3 kids she has 1. Why should her money go to another person's child?

@AskingforaBaskin like I said, we have totally different morals 😉

OP it sounds like a lot of your anger about the situation is directed towards your DSM when really it should have been addressed with your father when he was alive.

Presumably you maintain a relationship with her and things are otherwise amicable? You need to get by this or go NC. This will eat you up.

You don’t need to get your head around it though. It’s not your family and it’s none of your business. I doubt the stepmother would be inclined to give a single fuck about whether you approve or not.

It's not a moral argument. You are not a better person just different.

And again MN sweeps in to make sure step muns know their place

Don't ever discipline or upset a SC
Don't ever think you can make a decision.
Don't ever think you or your kids will ever be prioritised in any scario.
Don't ever thin you will be seen as an actual parent.

Make sure you love them the same, make sure you bend over and do everything a mother does.

Make sure you hand over your money.

@whumpthereitis I know, lol and I couldn't give a flying fuck about this family, but, and this is a big but, I commented that I didn't think the OP was being unreasonable about her dad's will, because this an open forum, and I commented just like you did 😁

There’s commenting, and then there’s pouring this level of vitriol onto a complete stranger who, while you may dislike how she’s gone about financial planning, has done something completely normal.

@NotMushroomInEre I'm with you, and you have every right to address the question. We do know the SM wouldn't care, OP's post explained she supported her husband's discipline methods, which seemed to be a by product of his uncontrollable temper. These are clearly not kind and loving people, so we know SM wouldn't care, it's irrelevant to the question anyway.

I have two children, my partner has three (our two and an older child).

We were thinking of willing each other 50%, and splitting the rest equally between our children (so 1/3 each via him, half each for me).

I've recently begun to think that my partner's oldest child should also have a portion of mine, to reflect their share of 'his' money if any is left when I die.

I was thinking 20-40-40, with the 20% reflecting 1/6 but rounded up.

Similarly, 'my' two should probably have a slightly larger share from him on his death, if I died first - to reflect my contribution to the marital assets, so that they get a bit more to reflect my contribution. But at that stage it gets a bit too complicated too work out what their share should be.

This is why the 50% to the partner, then equal split to the children of the partner feels fair to so many - because being precisely fair can be extremely complicated and then not feel fair.

A few points which aren't obvious:

1. the male partner is likely to die first - and then the female partner may have all the rest of the marital assets that go to them spent on their care.

By doing a split of 50% to the children, 50% to the partner, at least the children of the father end up with something rather than waiting the several extra years until the mother/stepmother dies.

So things are probably better overall for having a social rule of half to the partner, half to the children - rather than leaving everything to the partner and hoping that they will split it between all children in the blended family.

2. my stepchild's mother has property, child maintenance has probably helped towards building that up. Their grandparents also have property. I want the outcomes to be roughly fair rather than the percentages to be equal in our wills but not equal in practice.

If it turned out that their mother lost her property, or they were disinherited, or that they are the only one to care for me when I am old and challenging, I might look again at the division.

But fair doesn't mean equal, just as money doesn't equal love - which is why a non-equal split might sometimes be better.

3. stepmothers often make contributions, or limit their earning potential to benefit their stepchildren in ways which are not visible - reducing working hours, relocating, whatever. Many posters are assuming the OP's father is the one who earned the money. But even if it was the case that the female partner earned less in a relationship, it doesn't mean that that assets should be divided on that basis.

Hopefully, I'll have spent it all before I die so all of this will be notional - I would be happy to leave an equal split of nothing!

@AskingforaBaskin it has nothing to do with that at all. I'm not here to be divisive, I personally think the OP has been treated very unfair. I blame her dad. It has nothing to do with shit step-parents, although, I'd like to see an argument suggesting the step-mum is a great parent. All I'm saying is that I would never leave my step-daughter out of an equal share of anything.

So I’m not sure what the point is in expressing this level of anger towards someone who 1, won’t care, and 2, doesn’t even know you exist.

Despite claims to the contrary, the fucks are airborne in large numbers.