Page 9 | To think you tell someone pre going on a date

floralarrangement · 2022-06-04T10:42:08+00:00

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?! Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life. I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile? We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another [grin]

Tandora · 04/06/2022 20:40

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 12:23

Yes this is fair, but I still think you should be telling someone pre-meeting up.

Many many men do state it though, and I've been on a lot of dates and it's the first time its happened.

Show quote history

No one “should tell” you anything unless they want to. If you want to know something about someone, ask. End of.

Original poster

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 20:46

Tandora · 04/06/2022 20:40

No one “should tell” you anything unless they want to. If you want to know something about someone, ask. End of.

Show quote history

When it comes to dating with the intent of a relationship I'd expect someone to disclose whether they have a current partner or if they have children.

I don't think it's entitled as you said in your earlier post, nor comparable with not telling me they're "under 6ft"

They're huge things which would greatly impact on a relationship. Deliberatelty omitting this when chatting is the same as lying (i.e., telling me in great detail about what did at the weekend and during the week, but failing to mention he was doing it with his 2 and 4 year old).

OP posts:

Original poster

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 20:47

HOWEVER, a pleasant update. The line "dad of two little boys" has been added to his profile, so clearly he felt like it was something he should've said upfront :)

OP posts:

Tandora · 04/06/2022 20:50

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 20:46

When it comes to dating with the intent of a relationship I'd expect someone to disclose whether they have a current partner or if they have children.

I don't think it's entitled as you said in your earlier post, nor comparable with not telling me they're "under 6ft"

They're huge things which would greatly impact on a relationship. Deliberatelty omitting this when chatting is the same as lying (i.e., telling me in great detail about what did at the weekend and during the week, but failing to mention he was doing it with his 2 and 4 year old).

Show quote history

Ok well you can think that as much as you like - that’s your prerogative , but the fact is that no one is obliged to disclose they have children to you before meeting you, and many people may chose not to for a variety of reasons so if you don’t want to waste your Saturday mornings, you might as well take responsibility for your own needs and put it on your profile or ask the question in advance.

He could equally be angry and accuse you of wasting his time for not putting it on your profile that you don’t ever date men with kids. That would obviously be unreasonable, just as you are being.

Tandora · 04/06/2022 20:52

*you can expect that rather

AchatAVendre · 04/06/2022 20:59

Tandora · 04/06/2022 20:50

Ok well you can think that as much as you like - that’s your prerogative , but the fact is that no one is obliged to disclose they have children to you before meeting you, and many people may chose not to for a variety of reasons so if you don’t want to waste your Saturday mornings, you might as well take responsibility for your own needs and put it on your profile or ask the question in advance.

He could equally be angry and accuse you of wasting his time for not putting it on your profile that you don’t ever date men with kids. That would obviously be unreasonable, just as you are being.

Show quote history

Oh god forbid a man be made angry that some women he barely knows doesn't want to take on his kids.

Tread carefully OP. You clearly have a high level of responsibility here

EmmaH2022 · 04/06/2022 21:05

I guess if I dated online I’d be putting “no one with kids” in the profile. But the guys I have asked have been fine with the question. Everyone has a red line. Equally I felt it fair to tell them I would not have children. Seems like a big thing to know before getting involved.

Fireyflies · 04/06/2022 21:35

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 20:47

HOWEVER, a pleasant update. The line "dad of two little boys" has been added to his profile, so clearly he felt like it was something he should've said upfront :)

Lesson learned for him how not to waste his time and others' time clearly.

Maybe you should put that you don't want to date anyone with kids on yours, or find some way of asking prior to a date that doesn't seem too direct and intrusive to you too save yourself in future too.

NorthernLights5 · 04/06/2022 21:42

It's very difficult as many men see single mothers as a meal ticked so I can see why women don't want to mention it for a while. So I can see why men would be worried about mentioning it too as the person they're talking to behind the screen could be anyone.

RobynNora · 04/06/2022 21:51

@floralarrangement great update! Out of interest, did you tell him the children were the dealbreaker?

(No judgement btw. No way would I have dated anyone with kids at 28!)

And will you be stating ‘looking for someone without kids’ on your bio in future? Just curious! I wouldn’t have written that on mine as I’d like to keep things more playful/natural and would hope that a high EQ kind of fella would bring it up organically. Equally do recognise it makes sense to be upfront!

Original poster

floralarrangement · 04/06/2022 21:58

RobynNora · 04/06/2022 21:51

@floralarrangement great update! Out of interest, did you tell him the children were the dealbreaker?

(No judgement btw. No way would I have dated anyone with kids at 28!)

And will you be stating ‘looking for someone without kids’ on your bio in future? Just curious! I wouldn’t have written that on mine as I’d like to keep things more playful/natural and would hope that a high EQ kind of fella would bring it up organically. Equally do recognise it makes sense to be upfront!

I did! We were chatting about our lives and it was easy for me to say a couple times I didn't feel ready for children, even other peoples.

I won't updating my bio right now, exactly for the reasons you've stated. If it happens again then I'd consider it, but for now I'm assuming it's a blip.

Kudos to the guy and best of luck to him, I'm sure he'll find someone who makes him and his kids very happy.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 04/06/2022 23:20

NorthernLights5 · 04/06/2022 21:42

It's very difficult as many men see single mothers as a meal ticked so I can see why women don't want to mention it for a while. So I can see why men would be worried about mentioning it too as the person they're talking to behind the screen could be anyone.

Why would a single mother be viewed as a meal ticket?

BiscoffSundae · 04/06/2022 23:23

I don’t think single mums are seen as a meal ticket at all so don’t get that opinion? Most likely single mums are worried about being targeted by paedos rather than being seen as a meal ticket? Most single mums I know are not exactly rolling in cash!

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 00:02

"No one “should tell” you anything unless they want to. If you want to know something about someone, ask. End of."

So you don't have to say if you're married?
You don't have to say if you've signed up for a dating site for 30-50 year olds and you're really 60?
Of course you have to say some important things.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 00:08

"Maybe it is a demographic issue but I’m 25 and at least half the people I know and I am friends with have children, quite a few of them (mainly the guys I know) have multiples with different people and around 1/4 of these people are single or at some point have been single with children."

None of my friends had children until the women were early 30s, the men a bit older again. The vast majority married, some only living together.
So yes, it depends on your circle.
I'm sure there are plenty of 28 year olds who aren't surrounded by parents.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 00:13

"There's no point stubbornly refusing to ask a pertinent question"

OP wasn't stubbornly refusing to ask a pertinent question. She didn't know the question needed to be asked!
He knew he was lying by omission so the onus was on HIM to disclose.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 00:18

"No one “should tell” you anything unless they want to. If you want to know something about someone, ask. End of."

So if they're married, they have an STD, they've just come out of prison, they don't have to tell you. What bollocks.

KosherDill · 05/06/2022 01:03

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 00:13

"There's no point stubbornly refusing to ask a pertinent question"

OP wasn't stubbornly refusing to ask a pertinent question. She didn't know the question needed to be asked!
He knew he was lying by omission so the onus was on HIM to disclose.

This.

We aren't talking "favorite movie" here.

Reproductive status is a fundamental statistic that should be divulged up front.

We all know why those who omit it are so doing. A happy, proud parent mentions it straight off.

ringalingling · 05/06/2022 08:32

@eatingapie I’m 32 and it wouldn’t occur to me to ask if someone has kids - because despite what people are saying I don’t actually know any single people my age with kids. As in seriously I can’t think of anyone

But you have to realise you are a statistical anomaly surely? You are the exact average age someone becomes a parent for the first time (31 & 33) so half the people who are ever going to become parents are already parents.

You're saying you shouldn't have to ask if someone has children because you shouldn't have to ask if they are married or trans but it's completely different. If they are OLD it's expected they are not married, and they are not the

Original poster

floralarrangement · 05/06/2022 08:49

@ringalingling

Once more for the cheap seats at the back.

In none of my posts have I said he "wasted my time". It's a pretty lazy tactic to try make an OP look unreasonable or like a dick, by ascribing things to them by putting them in quotation marks when they were never said in the first place.

OP posts:

Original poster

floralarrangement · 05/06/2022 08:56

He could equally be angry and accuse you of wasting his time for not putting it on your profile that you don’t ever date men with kids.

If a man was angry I didn't want to be involved with raising his 2 and 4 year old (at 28 no less) after he had sprung them on me I honestly wouldn't be able to control my laughter @Tandora. I'm not sure how you can tell me I'm entitled and then post that in the same breath.

Oh god forbid a man be made angry that some women he barely knows doesn't want to take on his kids.Tread carefully OP. You clearly have a high level of responsibility here

@AchatAVendre

OP posts:

Matildahoney · 05/06/2022 09:00

If it's a deal breaker you should be asking the question. Don't blame them for not choosing to tell you.

Original poster

floralarrangement · 05/06/2022 09:06

Matildahoney · 05/06/2022 09:00

If it's a deal breaker you should be asking the question. Don't blame them for not choosing to tell you.

You don't find it strange, or odd, or clearly a mark of someone being disengenous, that you would have two weeks worth of conversation about the minutiae of your day, where he was living with his 2 and 4 year old, and omit all details of them from their life? Including telling me all about a weekend trips in retrospect was specifically for the kids?

I'm glad he agrees with me, but not sure why some posters are bending over backwards to defend something that was clearly him trying to hide that he has children.

OP posts:

Tandora · 05/06/2022 09:17

floralarrangement · 05/06/2022 08:56

He could equally be angry and accuse you of wasting his time for not putting it on your profile that you don’t ever date men with kids.

If a man was angry I didn't want to be involved with raising his 2 and 4 year old (at 28 no less) after he had sprung them on me I honestly wouldn't be able to control my laughter @Tandora. I'm not sure how you can tell me I'm entitled and then post that in the same breath.

Oh god forbid a man be made angry that some women he barely knows doesn't want to take on his kids.Tread carefully OP. You clearly have a high level of responsibility here

@AchatAVendre

You obviously aren’t reading my posts 💁🏼‍♀️

Avastmehearties · 05/06/2022 09:19

floralarrangement · 05/06/2022 09:06

You don't find it strange, or odd, or clearly a mark of someone being disengenous, that you would have two weeks worth of conversation about the minutiae of your day, where he was living with his 2 and 4 year old, and omit all details of them from their life? Including telling me all about a weekend trips in retrospect was specifically for the kids?

I'm glad he agrees with me, but not sure why some posters are bending over backwards to defend something that was clearly him trying to hide that he has children.

Show quote history

Yeah, this vehemence is confusing me a bit too OP. I mean, fine, I understand why parents might not want to openly advertise the fact they have kids on their OLD profile. However, why is it such a big secret once you've got talking to someone and know they haven't sought you out because you have children and you've had a quick chat?