To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

"Have you got kids?" is not a natural question for me to ask. It's awkward and forced, and why would I ask it out of the blue? I wouldn't ask someone if they had HIV or one leg either. I have lots of dealbreakers, not just the kids one.

I do ask people if the have HIV or a history of Herpes. Deal breaker for me. Same with before that condom comes off we get tested. People lie about being clean without having ever having a test. It’s easy to wheedle them out during the initial chats.
Whst is awkward about it? You are both adults afterall with the possibility of having a sexual relationship.
Thats another deal breaker for me. Those that cannot have an adult conversation.

Those are the things you wouldn’t expect someone to put on their profiles. Along with a million other things, but doesn’t mean you cannot ask before meeting.

I don't think it is your business before a first date to be honest . And maybe not afterwards either

Maybe in your little world. It definitely isn't normal in mine. It's a fucking weird, jarring question when all of your chat has been about where you went out, gigs and restaurants.

"Oh you were out in Soho until 4am? Sounds fun...oh btw do you have any kids?"

You'd clearly rather be angry & stubborn than take responsibility for establishing that your own preferences are met, so just keep blaming your dates for your lack of social skills, & I'm sure it will make you very happy.

Ffs what's with all the secrecy about revealing if you have kids! It's kids, which a vast majority of the population have! It's really not a big secret to have or feel the need to "reveal" you have. Just say in the initial messages "I've got kids.." then that person can decide if they want to meet you or not.

@pixie5121 but doesn’t it mean you’re being a bit naive? Making huge assumptions of how similar these people are to you just because they live, work & enjoy similar past times to you? They’re total strangers after all. Isn’t it a bit narrow minded to assume they’re exactly like you? Being shocked & annoyed at them when they’re not seems a bit naive if am honest.

Thats another deal breaker for me. Those that cannot have an adult conversation.

Yup, @ihatethefuckingmuffin
And when challenged on taking responsibility for themselves, are able to launch into personal attacks, but unable to explain why asking a Small Talk 101 Question is so difficult for them.

A lot of men put on tinder that they won’t date a women with kids- but I think casual sexism means that a woman can’t write this as it makes you seem less caring.
l get where your coming from, I wouldn’t want to get involved with a man with kids- but you can’t ask. They should be upfront, hopefully if enough women tell him the reason for no second date is the kids he’ll start being upfront so not to waste his time- he has no respect for yours

I personally didn't put I was a single divorced mum of a toddler as I didn't want the wrong attention to protect DD (I've always been friends with the guys I've dated so never worried about it before).

However once I'd done the favourite film, colour and where you live talk, I'd tell the guy I had a DD and said " I totally get it if that is a game changer and don't hold grudges if that's not what you want". I wanted to speak to someone as me and not a mum first then give them the option to decide which I thought was fair. Normally told them within the first week of talking

I think as long as he told you on first face-to-face, then it's not an issue. That gives you the option to decline further meetings, as you're not prepared for dates with fathers, your choice. It gives him the chance to charm you and you to fall head over heels for him! Or not.

Ok so when is the right time to mention it? I’ve just started OLD, am looking for something casual and have been clear about that, and mainly with younger guys (I’m 39). I have kids, have been chatting to a couple of guys and thinking may go out with both tbh. I haven’t mentioned my kids, mainly because it’s really nice chatting about music and art, and joking around and having them see me for myself rather than a mum. Was going to mention it on the first date but now I’m thinking they’ll be pissed! I don’t want to look sneaky but at the same time none of these guys will ever meet them so is it relevant?

If you aren't looking for a relationship and just hook ups then no need to mention it.
If you want a relationship I'd expect it to come up while you're telling someone about yourself.

Where exactly is the problem you think I have?

It has literally never been an issue in my entire life that someone has concealed the minor fact of being a parent.

Seems to me like you just want to justify deception and dishonesty.

Personally I think this is different as both you and the other person have made it clear you're looking for a FWB/causal situation.

In my scenario the app allows you to put what you're looking for "relationship/something causal/not sure etc", and we both had the relationship option up.

Hope you have a sucessful and fun time dating :)

It's a tricky one. I have kids and I would have mentioned it pre date. Men are different than women. Their hunting instincts kick in...
Sorry - but it's true.

No.

I have never, literally never, ended up meeting a man who has lied about having children, so how is it naive?

I spent time living in another city where it was fairly common for men to have several kids by 30ish. I didn't bother trying to date there and moved away at the first opportunity.

@floralarrangement
I too was once looking for a fun / easy / relaxed dating experience. He did tell me he had 4 kids in advance but I had no idea we would get together in the end - so I now have 6 kids..
fml lol.
I suppose just go with the flow. If you don't want to see him again- don't.
And learn from 'your' mistake - ask if they have kids pre date going forward lol xx

How about wait until one of you suggests meeting and mention it then? That way they've got to know a bit about you as a whole, and got to the point of progressing to an in person date on that basis, but it still ensures everyone knows what's what.

Agreed it's a bit different as its casual but they might still prefer someone with no kids for whatever reason.

so entitled . If you don’t want to date someone who has kids, put on your profile you don’t want to date someone who doesn’t have kids. It’s like saying someone wasted your time because you only date men at least 6ft tall and they didn’t disclose their height. Specify your needs and ask them, otherwise don’t be surprised if you wind up on a date with someone who doesn’t meet your criteria 🙄

You would have the same social circle as me then OP and I agree with you. It would be so unusual to be divorced with 2 young children at 30 that I would expect someone to mention it. It also means its a very short time since he was getting his ex pregnant and he has left her dealing with a young toddler and another child too. Total game changer. But of course you would assume that a man of 30 was childless unless he mentioned it.

If you wouldn't have dated someone if they hadn't failed to conceal a material fact that affects their ability to date then I don't think its fair. Its not up to women to check the credentials of men. Its almost a lie by omission and I don't think its a great credit to him tbh.

But of course people don't like to think anything would exclude them from the dating pool and are very sensitive about it, so if you mention not being attracted to someone for any reason, then it creates a lot of angst.

Oh that’s good, I had a sudden crisis of conscience that I’m being really shady 😂

This is also true.

Ridiculous.

It takes an enormous amount of effort to 'omit' the fact you have kids. Normal back and forth pre-date chat is a lot of 'how was your day?' and 'what do you usually do at weekends?' It's an active choice not to mention that you had your kids for the weekend or took them out somewhere.

I mean, for the people who think it's a normal question to ask, do they also ask if the person is single? Because that's an assumption as well. How many of the people insisting that it's normal to 'forget' to mention their kids would be happy if they turned up to a date and the man revealed he was married?

Completely different though because you specified this in Your profile. OP didn’t, so her date did nothing wrong.

Yes I'd tell them. If it's a deal breaker then need to know.