To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

@Tandora you clearly just want to disagree with every post I make because you've taken personal offence to the entire thread - again not really sure how it's useful.

I'm stating an opinion, as everyone else is.

I could just as easily say you're not allowed to have an opinion because you're not a 28 year old without children, but I haven't.

Until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes and all that..

@Tandora
This also seems completely at odds with all the insults you've thrown my way and general contributions to the thread, no?

Well one can of course, but it’s a fairly conceited perspective to take if one has never really been in that situation oneself.

I’m not sure why you find my posts so objectionable tbh? You’ve repeatedly accused me of all sorts and I’ve tried to rise above it.
there was one post badly worded that has been removed and I apologised.
please allow me to share my opinion like everyone else.

Well one can of course, but it’s a fairly conceited perspective to take if one has never really been in that situation oneself.

Again - the lack of self awareness based on your posts?!

Absolutely not. You’re determined to take issue with something that isn’t complicated.

Is there any post where I have said “if I were in x [insert position I’ve never been in] situation , I would do y”.

*I would feel y

Well one can of course, but it’s a fairly conceited perspective to take if one has never really been in that situation oneself.

How about "I'm so desperate for cock I'd probably shack up with anyone that moves, irrespective of whether they are indifferent to kids, and hate the idea of being a step parent."

Is that less conceited?

@pixie5121 I would say even a woman a decade older still has 'higher stock' on the dating market compared to a younger woman with children.

I think your sweeping generalisations are honestly pretty horrible but also... they're just plain wrong? I had a quick skim of your dating thread and you seem to do this often. I think you have a very... misguided sense of what most men (to follow along with your MASSIVE generalisations) value, or perceive to be "higher stock". This reads like what women think men should want, when in reality it's what women look for in men.

But this thread is about single fathers, so if you could stop bringing single mothers into it to make yourself feel better about your own "stock value" that would be great.

I’m not sure why you find my posts so objectionable tbh?

@Tandora

Here's a selection of your posts - there's far more but lord knows I don't have the time.

This is addition to the repeated misinterpretation of what I've said, including putting things in quotation marks that don't exist. It's a lazy way of attempting to discredit a poster and just derails the thread.

so entitled

it’s like saying someone wasted your time because you only date men at least 6ft tall and they didn’t disclose their height.

that your view - whilst undoubtedly a majority one - is unreasonable and unpleasant.

You also don’t understand the meaning of the word default.

Who made you Queen of what people have to disclose before a first date and what they don’t?

Rather than setting your own rules and demanding others conform to them

narrow minded of you

step parents have no obligations to build relationships with DSC anyway and are free to completely ignore them at will , because you are NOT THEIR MOTHER

anyways clearly this a futile cause, as you are not the least interested in seeing beyond the end of your own nose.

narrow minded entitled immature

And my personal fave:

He could equally be angry and accuse you of wasting his time for not putting it on your profile that you don’t ever date men with kids

How DARE I waste this good mans time

This is a perfect example of how you have take my comments wrong and completely out of context!

I said if he accused you of wasting his time it would be completely unreasonable of him!
I was flipping the situation on its head. Of course you did not waste his time and if he were to think so it would be unreasonable.

I didn’t mean to offend @Tandora. My stock market analogy was just to illustrate how online dating depends on supply and demand. It’s just a fact that lots of people want to date young people in their 20s without kids.

My kids are of similar age to OP’s date. Of course I wouldn’t be as sought-after on the dating scene to a person my age without kids! Especially with single men. For one, my date would need to be cool with going to bed by 10 and lots of soft play in his future! I genuinely don’t understand why that’s a controversial point.

I think people should have a basic grasp of this supply and demand. My friends and I used to loathe getting approached by older guys in their 40s when we were in our 20s. They’d lie about age online and hope we’d ‘change our minds’ after a date. I don’t see OPs date’s behaviour as hugely different. Our stock/desirability/whatever was higher than theirs at the time and we had a lot more choice than them about who to date, which the older men didn't like to accept!

No, I really don't and your sad little jibes do nothing but amuse me.

I know and work with plenty of 30-something professional men. I see the women they date and bring to events. I can't think of a single one who is dating a 20-something single mother. They date other 30-something professionals, on the whole, or even early 40-somethings.

If you honestly think your average 30-something London man in a professional job would have much interest in dating a woman who already has kids, you're deluded. I'm not saying it would never happen. There are obviously exceptions, outliers, but on the whole, this is so obvious I can't believe you're even arguing about it.

I love how you think this thread is about single fathers. No, it isn't. It's about parents misrepresenting themselves in order to get dates, because they know people won't be interested otherwise. And we've had a thread full of deluded people trying to excuse and justify it.

To clarify, I have only intended from the start to engage in a productive dialogue. Perhaps my perspective has come across wrong / unclear.

I I do think there has been a lot of generalising/ stereotyping/ making assumptions about single parents who OLD on this thread, and I have tried to call that out where I’ve seen it- because I do think such attitudes are harmful/ discriminatory and wrong.

I don’t think having children automatically makes someone less desirable. It all depends on the person and who they are dating.

But, my main points , since the beginning , have simply been:

1: anyone is free to set their own boundaries for dating, and OP is not unreasonable for not wanting to date this man because he has kids.

2.No one is obliged to preemptively disclose anything personal about themselves / their situation before a first date (including information about having kids). they may chose to keep certain things private for a range of reasons and that’s legitimate/ ok.

3.If there are certain criteria you need to be sure or before you are willing to invest your time in meeting a person, then it is on you to be upfront and state those criteria/ ask the relevant questions.

1. If you choose not to do 3, that’s fine, but it is unreasonable to accuse your date of acting wrongly for not anticipating your needs and sharing his circumstances /

personal information accordingly.

@pixie5121 Quite the story teller aren't you?

Your narrative about me deliberately lying and hiding my children to improve my dating prospects is complete fantasy on your part I'm afraid....

I'm happily married to my kids dad. I've never been a dating mum.

Your comment is, sadly for you, perfect proof of the idiots on here concocting their own stories to suit their own opinions. Well done for proving my very point. You should always ask 😘

@Frankola

Eh? I have no idea what this has to do with my OP or the thread?

I also have no idea how if someone makes up a story about another poster (or not), this somehow means it's fine for my date to not be honest about having children.

The leaps of logic here are baffling.

We are reducing people to "stock" now, categorised like they are cattle and prime cuts of meat or just worthless mutton (or whatever, I'm not a butcher).

Anyone can date or reject anyone they choose on any factors but the judgements about other oriole's life choices (or not) on this thread are awful.

Just because you choose not to date a certain group of people, it doesn't mean you can castigate them as unworthy or deign them as having made "poor" life choices.

*people

Where?!

I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe when it comes to this thread.

I have said that no one is obliged to date me, that I know I'm not "special" (as you said), but that I personally don't want to date a man with young children.

I've given a long list of reasons as to why I wouldn't - and pointed out that I'm also not ready to have my own biological children or start the adoption process.

I did ask if you'd have the same reaction if I told a potential partner I wasn't ready for my own kids yet, but you ignored my post.

It was clear from @Frankola first post that she was speaking hypothetically- trying to put herself in the mindset of a
single parent OLD. She wasn’t lying or making stuff up.

You failed to read her post properly and misinterpreted her words (and then said something quite accusatory in reply). So , yes, that’s on you,

OP, it’s probably best to just leave the thread.

mumsnet is full of people who have settled for useless nigels or who are incredibly desperate.

any post where a woman states her completely reasonable boundaries ie. ‘I don’t want to play stepmum’, will have a horde of people piling on for telling her how judgemental she is and ‘what if the roles were reversed?!?’

@pixie5121 has made some really good posts. Women are indeed the ‘prime cuts’ and we should not settle for anything less than ‘all boxes ticked’.