To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

@Frankola again - you're putting words in my mouth. So much effort goes into discrediting an OP rather than trying to actually to discuss!

I am not saying that specifically about you, and indeed have no idea how you go about dating.

You also say you don't find having a child a negative thing. But if you read your original post back you will see it is exceptionally negative
My OP is negative because my date was dishonest (and subsequently apologised). Saying I don't want to date someone with young children is not the same thing as being negative about children.

You seem to be very against the idea of asking potential partners OP. Could this be because you don't like how this might make you look? Why are you so concerned that you shouldn't be the one to ask?

I've replied to this one over and over again. No I'm not scared of how it would make me look, I don't think it's unusual or reflects badly on me that a professional woman in their 20s wouldn't want to be a stepmother (because that is what it would lead to in this particular situation).

If this was a thread about me telling a prospective partner I didn't want to have kids yet at 28 , or wasn't ready to start the adoption process, there wouldn't be this level of disdain.

There aren't, though. Work is one of the very few places you can actually get to know people properly once you get past your late twenties. Almost all my friends in London are people I met at or through work.

You are literally admitting that you purposely withhold the fact you have a child from men because you know it makes you less desirable. You hope to manipulate them into seeing these apparent 'positives' so that by the time they meet you, they're invested enough to overlook the fact you have a child.

It's really rich that you're accusing OP of not liking how saying she doesn't want to ask about kids might make her look when you're literally hiding the existence of your own child to improve your dating chances.

I have never seen so much delusion as on this thread.

I expect this changes above a certain age, but it's crazy to debate the idea that a professional woman in her 20s without kids probably isn't looking for a partner who already has them!

I dunno that it changes. I mean, why would someone older necessarily be any happier about playing stepmother to a partner's kids than a 20 something? Presumably if they wanted kids (and were able to have them), then in most cases, they'd have done it?

Some of the concerns would be the same no matter my age (potential issues with building a relationship with kids, sadness of building a relationship with them and it ending if you and partner break up, potential issues between your partner and their ex, potential issues between you and children's mother or their family)

But other stuff - I'm young(ish) - I want to be able to go out, travel, work long hours without restrictions. I want to be able to have fun with my partner without such a huge responsibility. I don't want to be in a relationship which has the costs that come with having two small children, when it comes to things like I don't own property yet etc. I'd like to have my own children in the future - but not sure about managing with 3/4 (including stepkids), and I'm guessing the father might think that too - particularly regarding finances.

These things would be different if I was older, already had my children, and was more established in my career.

I don't think considering these things is immature, shallow or entitled, but hey ho!

And fundamentally - if dating a man with children - they will be his priority and always come first which is exactly how it should be. But I'm not sure if I want that from the get go in a romantic relationship at this time in my life.

But other stuff - I'm young(ish) - I want to be able to go out, travel, work long hours without restrictions. I want to be able to have fun with my partner without such a huge responsibility. I don't want to be in a relationship which has the costs that come with having two small children, when it comes to things like I don't own property yet etc. I'd like to have my own children in the future - but not sure about managing with 3/4 (including stepkids), and I'm guessing the father might think that too - particularly regarding finances.

I'm older than you. Other than owning the property (which I already do) and having kids, I still want those other things. .

True and I commend all parents (step or otherwise) for this

Are you really trying to pretend you can live an exciting, carefree lifestyle with children involved? Why would someone sign up for the responsibilities of kids (and even if you're not playing the role of stepmum, they still come first) when they could just...not?

Are you really trying to pretend you can live an exciting, carefree lifestyle with children involved? Why would someone sign up for the responsibilities of kids (and even if you're not playing the role of stepmum, they still come first) when they could just...not?

I don't have kids. That's my point. I'm older than OP and probably no more likely to want a man with kids at my age than she is at hers - I was challenging the statement that her views on wanting to hitch her wagon to such a star will change with age.

Yes you should definitely.

I went on a date with a guy a few years ago and ten minutes in the guy told me he had four children and had had a vasectomy to ensure there were no more. He also told me that he lived with his parents during the week (because he couldn't afford his own place and pay the private school fees for his four kids) and at the weekends he moved back into the family home because his wife (separated not divorced) couldn't cope with the children on her own).

I was single, never married, looking forever to having kids of my own. The date was over for me straight away. I'd spent ages getting ready for the date and had got myself a new outfit to wear too. I was so disappointed, there was no way I was seeing him ever again!

After a few drinks I did tell him the truth and told him that he should have been upfront and told me in advance. He did apologise.

I'm.actually really glad to see a young woman with her head screwed on, considering considering things.

Too many times in here I've seen women tied to divorced and separated Dads (who in my experience are usually in that position due to their behaviour, much more rarely their ex's behaviour, whatever they say) with all the issues she's mentioned, yet feel.stuck because of time invested, age, attachment to his kids etc etc.

It also a simple fact that men who arent in super amazing salaries are going to be able to offer less financially to all his children, when he comes to have more ... who are not housed full time together. But even if they were it will generally be more kids, with less to financially support each kid, in this very expensive country.

(It's generally the mothers who go part-time for a period, have their income affected etc. do the father's ability to provide matters a lot).

Why share a man's income with another woman and children who aren't yours if you don't have to.
Not PC but relevant.

Frankola Many men do not tell people they have children immediately. As many people have pointed out. No idea why, but if I wanted to know if someone had children I'd just ask.

Many men on online dating don't tell women they are married or in relationships either. I suspect its all for the same reasons - they have learned to lie by ommission.

You seem to be very against the idea of asking potential partners OP. Could this be because you don't like how this might make you look? Why are you so concerned that you shouldn't be the one to ask?

How do you think it "makes someone look" that they date people without mentioning they have children?

Asking someone in your twenties if they have kids make it seem like you've had a teenage pregnancy or no career. If it clearly states in your profile that you have a career, then its very stupid to ask if you have kids. The information should be offered because its unusual.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe that so many posters are rushing to defend this man. Clearly this is normal behaviour on OLD thats not considered normal amongst the general population.

I'd also be very suspicous that the man in the OP is just looking for casual, because his kids are far too young for him to have got over a serious relationship resulting in 2 kids already. Likely he will be looking to play around a bit before settling down again. He knows admitting he has kids at 30 makes him look like this, which is why he lies by omission. One to avoid.

And fundamentally - if dating a man with children - they will be his priority and always come first which is exactly how it should be. But I'm not sure if I want that from the get go in a romantic relationship at this time in my life.

Another very valid, sensible point.

It's not a "natural" situation.

I've had experience of both; relationships with non Dads and relationships with Dds, abdceven with older kids/young adults/adult kids ... this was an issue.

In fact it was generally a minefield.

I wouldn't advise anyone to go into it.

Have also heard the reverse from men i know dating single Mums incidentally.

So much effort goes into discrediting an OP rather than trying to actually to discuss!

So true.

It makes mn so incredibly frustrating.

I have to wonder if ppl would behave like this irl.

No I'm not scared of how it would make me look, I don't think it's unusual or reflects badly on me

Only yesterday morning you were agreeing with a pp exactly that you didn’t want it on your profile as you were afraid it might look like you don’t like children/ are stern- have too many demands/ are more “one night stand material” and such

But of course other people need to allow themselves to be seen negatively and judged prematurely (possibly putting off people they might have had potential with otherwise), all to save you the massive inconvenience of asking very simple but important questions like 'do you have children?' or 'do you drive' or 'so do you live alone then?'

Why would it put off someone you had potential with to mention that you had kids to them? If it puts them off then you don't have potential with them, unless the potential you're talking about is just "they might already be attached and therefore ignore their better judgment".

@Tandora By calling me names for not wanting to date someone with children you're just demonstrating you have no rational points to make. Pretty sure personal attacks are "not within the spirit of the site" (and certainly make you look silly).

Repeatedly misinterpreting what I've and attempting to ascribe things to me that aren't true is lazy and just derails the thread. Not sure why you spend so much time trying to discredit me when you could be contributing useful statements!

In the past, I have not asked men if they have children after we have been chatting because it has literally never occured to me to do so. When you're having daily chats with someone about the mundane details of their life, you don't assume they are hiding the fact they have kids, as this bloke was doing.

I'm now aware that this is something that does happen, and despite all the men who put it on their profile, they are going to be others who will omit details that reveal they do have children. You live and learn.

I've said nothing about one night stands or anything else you're claiming so give over with the misinterpretation

Here you go…

As I’ve said there’s no issue with you not wanting to date a man with children. It’s the lack of willing to state your requirements/ ask, but then casting blame that I take issue with.

apologies for my previous post- I was not intending to call you names- I meant to name the behaviour/ attitude, but I see that it didn’t come across that way.

@Tandora The one-night-stand point was mine and possibly a daft thing to say but in my OLD experience, some men look for any possible sign that a woman is 'looking for fun' to justify poor behaviour.

That aside, it simply makes OP look a bit daft to ask professional men in their 20s and early 30s if they have kids. @pixie5121 did her own experiment last night (she's braver than me!) and the fella responded as follows!!

"Ehhh....well I'd be a bit of a shit dad if I had kids, given that I've just told you how I spent most of the bank hol on a bender...! Why do you ask...seems a bit random? Do you have some secret kids?!"

Yes I know, and OP responded “exactly to all of this” and then followed with another post of her own about how she wanted her profile to be fun and breezy or some such.

@pixie5121 did her own experiment last night (she's braver than me!) and the fella responded as follows!!
"Ehhh....well I'd be a bit of a shit dad if I had kids, given that I've just told you how I spent most of the bank hol on a bender...! Why do you ask...seems a bit random? Do you have some secret kids?!"

@RobynNora I missed this!! This was exactly what I wanted to do but actually like all the men I'm chatting to didn't want to risk looking like a weirdo.

This is what any sane person wouls think when asked in this context - kudos to the man for actually saying it haha.

@pixie5121 hope the man is still talking to you

@Tandora

Give over - I was agreeing with the post in general, not every specific point.

@RobynNora very eloquently explained in the last paragraph how it's different dating in different contexts.