To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

What fantasy world do I live in? Er the one that resulted in the creation of this thread!

it’s not the least bit respectful ,
of course, to call me crackers, but equally I don’t mind: You think I’m crackers, I think you are narrow minded. 💁🏼‍♀️

She doesn’t need to engage with your alternative ideas about what is acceptable to her.

Goodness me.

I’m kind of leaning this way too.

I would never have dated someone with children back when I was single so I’m completely with the Op there… BUT… a first date is possibly an ok time for this sort of stuff to come up (unless you’ve been chatting for weeks beforehand then yes, they should have said). I had so many terrible first days and I don’t think I went into many with high expectations.. the first date is generally to weed out those you are completely incompatible with (and having DC would be reasonable).

She doesn’t need to engage with your alternative ideas about what is acceptable to her

of course she doesn’t need to engage with alternative ideas. But she started the thread and invited people to comment on whether she was BU. If she’s already decided her date’s behaviour was unacceptable then that’s her prerogative, but then no need to ask people if they agree/ she is unreasonable for feeling that way 💁🏼‍♀️.

Not seeing beyond the end of your nose…no, not goady at all.

Paraphrasing her words to the extreme whixh she has repeatedly cleared up.

I don’t actually care that much tbh, but the disingenuously helpful comments are simply in bad faith.

You almost come across as a half term troll.

Been lots of that this week.

I have three kids, and a SD too
😆

So what was that about me being narrow minded? 😂

I’m not even using OLD but would understand complete someone not wanting to get to know me better with my current DC situation.

It’s not wrong or narrow minded, it’s a preference and in the complicated world of adult relationships, a reasonable one.

That’s completely unfair , but I’m not going to let it worry me if you think I’m a goady troll x

Of course they should tell you before the first date.

I met my DH through OLD and I had on my profile that I was a Mum.

We've been together over 16 years now so being honest about being a parent never had a negative effect for me.

Whether you have kids is neither here nor there.
To clarify, it’s not narrow minded to not want to date someone with kids. It’s narrow minded to assume that everyone else (of your age/ sociodemographic background) would feel the same way, and that a date should therefore not only anticipate your feelings about this, but also , should be morally obligated to disclose the fact of their children to you in advance of the first date (whether or not you ask of course).

Meanwhile you are not morally obligated to disclose your desire not to date someone with children, because after all your position is the default / justifiable one (even though you also suspect that stating it outright might somehow look somehow bad/ unattractive).

And there is no irony / contradiction / entitlement here.. and anyone who challenges your assumptions is crackers / goady/ a troll.

that’s what’s narrow minded.

Anyways, I think I’ve more than made my point.

YANBU - it’s ridiculous and frankly shameful for people not to tell someone they have kids before going on a date. Fine don’t put it on your profile but they should def mention it before the date when messaging. It’s a major criterion for many people in terms of deciding who they want to date. If someone threw that at me on the first date I’d try and be polite and finish out the evening but it would be a complete waste of my time and immediately switch off in terms of further dates.

OMG.
You don’t stop!

Kind of the whole point of dating is to meet someone with whom you have common ground and want to get to know better based on mutual likes etc.

Kids are a massive part of that. It is crackers that you don’t see that. And feel it’s reasonable to. It be up front about it.

You have bizarre views on how the world works, I can tell you that. Even if you like kids and didn’t mind meeting a partner with them, I would hazard a guess that most people would be surprised to discover their existence beyond date 1.

And no Tandora, not anyone, just you, my posts are to you. Stop now trying to create meaning in someone’s words where there isn’t is.

👹

To clarify, it’s not narrow minded to not want to date someone with kids. It’s narrow minded to assume that everyone else (of your age/ sociodemographic background) would feel the same way, and that a date should therefore not only anticipate your feelings about this, but also , should be morally obligated to disclose the fact of their children to you in advance of the first date (whether or not you ask of course)

What a word salad. My god.
😂

And no Tandora, not anyone, just you, my posts are to you. Stop now trying to create meaning in someone’s words where there isn’t

no idea what this means?

I have “bizarre views”, yet 46% of voters said YABU? 🤔

I see you are angry, so for my part am very happy to leave this here

x

You do realise OLD apps actually ask if you drink/like drugs etc?

But providing info on children isn’t something you should be obliged to do.

Nothing like starting a relationship off with murky non-disclosures of a very important nature.

Am not angry at all Tandora, nothing about my posts indicates that. Incredulous, yes.

I see what you’re doing and You really must stop reading into people’s posts so much, with a view to casting a negative shadow on them to further support your position.

You are being incredibly narrow minded at your age op.

Why not just put "no parents" on your own profile?

Also, I find it very self involved to be moaning about this on a parenting website. Just imo.

I have 2 (nearly 3) children and if I were ever dating I would mention it on my profile. It’s clearly not something everyone wants to deal with and I wouldn’t want to waste my own time or that of somebody else by chatting and meeting before disclosing. I had similar when I was 21 where I was chatting to a guy online for ages and on the first date he mentioned his son at the end and I was totally blindsided. Ended up staying with him to be “cool” when I definitely wasn’t and was too young. It didn’t work but that’s for other reasons, I just remember being quite shocked he hadn’t casually mentioned it before I met him. It IS a big deal.

I have “bizarre views”, yet 46% of voters said YABU? 🤔

46% of people who are in one half
of the respondents camp here, don’t necessarily agree with your rationale here.

Can’t believe the people defending the guy. It sounds like those people are justifying on the basis that it’s ok because it keeps their options open if they were or are in a similar situation. Going into a relationship which could result in step kids and dealing with children’s mother is massive and the OP is late 20’s so would be even more entitled to assume the guy had no kids if he didn’t say anything to the contrary.

The capitalisations, cursing, use of exclamation marks, red lion emoji, and personal attacked on my character sincerely gave me that impression (that you were angry), it certainly was by no means a manipulative tactic on my part. It can be hard to read emotional intent through text.

Yes that is true

The emoji is a troll.
👹

But Seriously though 🕊

Have a good day

😊

Oh I see. I only glanced at it briefly on my phone and thought it was a lion 🤣. Yes- peace. Hope you have a good day too x

I’d be annoyed too, he’s wasted your time as well as his own. Kids are a pretty major part of someone’s life, and imo it’s information that should be shared before a first date even if you don’t mention it in your profile. That said, it’s best to mention you’re not interested in men with kids too.

A lot of 28 year old men don’t have children, but even if they did, that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to compromise.

Kids were a dealbreaker for me when I was single in my mid to late 20s and I never had trouble meeting men that didn’t have them.

They're both huge things which would impact greatly on a relationship and you should only go into if you've really considered it.

It isn't about whether you like children or not, it's thinking about the things that are involved with helping raise someone else's kids and all the potential issues that could arise.

I feel like this is where the disagreement is though. You believe this would impact greatly on a relationship, but not everyone does. I've been a single parent since I was a teenager so I've done my fair share of OLD at various points and there has a been a vast array of potential partners with various circumstances for whom it just hasn't been an issue at all. The pool is undeniably smaller especially if you want a partner in their early twenties, but I've dated people at that age who like children but have no intention of having their own (or cannot physically have their own) and either don't mind / like / actively seek out the prospect of 'the best of both worlds' type situations where the home is already established, the partner with kids has all their shit together already, and they can slot themselves into that without 100% of the responsibility and every weekend free to do couple things together. I've dated people from their early twenties to mid forties, and parents and non parents who haven't batted an eyelid at it. My stepdad met my mum in their early 30s and the fact she had children made minuscule difference considering we were teens who'd already moved out and she was happy to have the additional children he really wanted with him. It was not a huge thing that greatly impacted a relationship at all.

A huge thing which would greatly impact a relationship for many people would be someone who works offshore / abroad for weeks at a time, but for me I wouldn't bat an eyelid as I generally have my own life and wouldn't mind it all. This directly contradicts your assumption that potential partners have to think about helping to raise someone else's kids. I have never and would never want or expect that. If a potential partner did (because he couldn't have his own children) then that would be discussed the same as if they wanted to move to Australia. I'm sure some single parents are looking for a partner to take on that responsibility, which is totally fine and again something that needs to be discussed and considered.

We're all different which is why I maintain that if something - anything - that's not incredibly rare (like trans or HIV or poly) is a dealbreaker for you then you should just ask and save yourself the bother of getting to know someone who it's never going to work with. Do you have children is more on par with are you looking for a relationship or casual or do you plan to stay in Glasgow or move back to Spain than do you already have a wife or do you have HIV lol .

That said I don't actually think you are being unreasonable OP. I agree with you that the guy could have said something at any point and the fact you had a couple of weeks conversation and he didn't mention it is odd and not something I would ever do. I don't think many people are disagreeing with that (I'm certainly not!) more just saying it would be easier for you (and anyone else with dealbreakers that aren't totally obscure) to ask.

My major disagreement on this thread is the people saying having children is this obscure / extremely rare thing that's a straight up dealbreaker for most people and must be explicitly stated ASAP. As I said, early 30s is the average so 50% of people who will be parents already are. It's no different than any other getting to know you / vetting situation where you find out their job / living situation / life goals / hobbies / seriousness whatever other factors you are looking for (or avoiding) in a potential partner.