To think you tell someone pre going on a date

[floralarrangement]

that you have a 2 year old and a 4 year old?!

Just got back from a brunch date and this was casually brought up. I feel like this is a HUGE deal, especially due to the ages. I don't have children and don't want to date someone who does. I'm 28 so maybe I'll change my mind on this later in life.

I feel like he didn't tell me (and probably other women) in advance as a way of getting dates from people who otherwise would've said no. Is this too harsh? For those of you who do OLD, do you tell people in advance/put it on your profile?

We work together (huge organisation - didn't know of him before & none of my friends do) which meant I felt pressured have a good date with him because I hate awkwardness. I already have one ex-boyfriend at work which I find stressful, I'd rather not make it a pattern with multiple people I have to avoid for one reason or another

They are the things important to you. What you aren’t getting in not everyone feels the same as you! If something is a deal breaker for you then surely you would broach the subject early on?

@floralarrangement.

How was he being disingenuous exactly?. Just because you had talked for a week or so before meeting doesn't mean for one minute he was hiding the fact he has children. It's merely the fact that you as a person he hadn't even met yet in real life wasn't important enough to him to disclose HIS personal information to. You are coming across as very entitled tbh. Because you think you actually matter enough to be told something when you haven't even met in real life.

Imo, @floralarrangement the man wasn't unreasonable

@ChoiceMummy

The man himself thinks he was, in retrospect.

I did not specifically say anything to him on the date (about feeling like he should be more upfront), but he has since updated his profile & sent me a long message explaining why he wasn't honest.

As I said many posts ago, kudos to him, and I wish him all the best in finding a woman that will make him and his kids happy.

Yes, I do.

I think people are ethically obliged not to deliberately conceal information that is very likely to be a dealbreaker to someone else.

Entitled delusion.

It's an effort to deliberately omit that you have kids. OP says they had been chatting about what they'd been doing, and all the stuff he'd done had been with his very young kids, but he somehow 'forgot' to mention them?

Bullshit.

How was he being disingenuous exactly?. Just because you had talked for a week or so before meeting doesn't mean for one minute he was hiding the fact he has children.

@Inthesameboatatmo

It is disengous to chat about the minutiate of your day/weekend and deliberately omit all details about your kids who live with you.

He knows this, I know this, and I do suspect most posters know it too. A lie by omission is the same as any other.

It's merely the fact that you as a person he hadn't even met yet in real life wasn't important enough to him to disclose HIS personal information to. You are coming across as very entitled tbh. Because you think you actually matter enough to be told something when you haven't even met in real life.

He has said he didn't want to be honest about having kids because he thought I would be less likely to meet up with him. It was nothing to do with "disclosing peronal information".

But where does that end?

Most people have huge lists of dealbreakers. Are they supposed to ask them all?

I went on a date years ago with a man who had omitted the fact he wasn't actually single. Are you seriously suggesting I should have to ask if someone is single if they're on a dating app, with a profile making no mention of a partner?

Being disabled could also potentially hugely impact on a relationship (as could a multitude of other things).

You are correct, being disabled is not the same as having children; just as having an partner and looking for a non monogamous relationship is not the same as having children. Who made you Queen of what people have to disclose before a first date and what they don’t?

Rather than setting your own rules and demanding others conform to them (even though you have no means of enforcing that) , if you don’t want to go on a first date with a man who has children, then say so and / or ask.

So now all people with children are to assume they are less desirable, and be morally required to pre disclose that undesirability in advance?
How rude! (and narrow minded of you).

Who made you Queen of what people have to disclose before a first date and what they don’t?

You can tell posters are running out of rational things to say when you resort to personal attacks!

@Tandora
I'm not sure why it needs explaining, but children or another partner are people. You are not just in a relationship with your partner in these situations. You aren't just building and having to consider a relationship with your partner, but with his children (or other partner) too.

You seem to think being a step-parent is something a woman should just blithely go into without thinking about what a huge responisbility it is.

It is not comparable to being disabled.

I think again, you're bringing your own personal experiences into it and getting triggered by something which isn't yours to be offended by.

Not the PP, but it is not unreasoable to state that for a 28 year old woman (which the thread is about), having a partner who already has children is more likely to be undesireable than it is to be desireable.

That’s a bit daft isn’t it and sort of undermines any relevant point you might have wanted to make.

A closer equivalent would be someone who’s a member of a particular political party or takes part in blood sports, that would be a deal breaker for me but it’s my responsibility to ask in advance if I wouldn’t even want to go on a date with them or chalk it up to experience if I found out on the first date that they fell in that category. They probably wouldn’t think to mention it if that’s the circles they moved in, so if it’s important to me then I need to take responsibility for it.

However, if the OP has said that the man deliberately withheld the information that is a different issue entirely. He’s a weasel.

There you are again making your own assumptions about others. This has nothing to do with me! I have never personally been in a station where I was or needed to OLD with kids, nor have I ever ended up on a date with a man who unexpectedly had them.
so no, not triggered.

*in a situation

But sure, it's the woman's fault, why not How dare I go on a date with someone I work with & assume he doesn't have children with no evidence to the contrary

Oh give over op.
Ask the question if it's important next time.

Of course I don’t think women are obliged to blithely walk into step parenting without thinking about it, how absurd! what makes you think I think that?

Most adults over 30 DO have kids. Assume they have kids and ask the question pre date...

Well with an aging population, the majority of adults are over 30, because that includes everyone from 30 to 100+. So it may well be that most adults over 30 do have kids. But most adults of around 30 do not. You can read a bit more on the stats here yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2021/06/21/what-ideal-age-have-children but the majority of 30 year old women and 30 year old men do not have children.

Frankly yes I think if people with children don’t realise they will be less desirable to SOME people on the dating scene (usually younger, childfree people who don’t want to take on a step parenting role) then they’re being naive. Not everyone will mind but a good proportion of people will. Therefore it is a good idea to mention it early on because I’m sure single parents don’t want to waste their own time with people for whom it’s a dealbreaker.

Great, so why wouldn't you understand the importance of a man with children being honest and upfront about it to potential dates?

What if he had an elderly parent or disabled close family member that he was 50% carer for? Does he need to disclose that before the first date. There could be any number of circumstances where you are building relationships with multiple people- I fact all relationships entail that to lesser and greater degrees.

Again, I ask, who made you the arbiter of what people are required to disclose and what they aren’t (before they’ve even met you no less).

(Also if you believe mumsnet, step parents have no obligations to build relationships with DSC anyway and are free to completely ignore them at will , because you are NOT THEIR MOTHER 😂.)

The confusion has arisen because you said My time is important too, and I wouldn't have spent my saturday morning meeting him if I'd known. Okay, so 'waste of time' isn't a direct quote so shouldn't be in quotation marks, but it's a bit rude to think people are somehow only able to afford the cheap seats when you have clearly implied that he wasted your time.

He told you on the first date. Evidently he's now decided this wasn't the wisest move but from the info in your OP it wasn't clear the level to which he avoided mentioning them. Rather than rant about someone not valuing my important time, I find it easier to chalk these things up to experience. You'll have learned something from it about who you want to date. Okay, you knew you didn't want someone with children. But I suspect there were other things about him that you did and didn't like, which may well help you think about exactly what you want in a partner.

So according to your logic, anything that needs thinking about in a relationship should be disclosed in advance of the first meeting?

You've missed the point of my post!

You have non negotiables, so the onus is on you finding out whether the man meets those requirements!

@floralarrangement

I’m intrigued to know what you have against asking the question if it’s something so important to you.

*regardless of whether someone asks for the information or not. Sounds a bit exhausting 😅