Sitting in a lay by contemplating…

[JustHurt]

So I’ve just got in my car and driven off. My husband stays in bed daily until after our kids 4 and 2 are up fed, teeth brushed and dressed he then swans in like a hero to sometimes take eldest to nursery (he won’t watch the 2 together) at bed time he watches tv during the tea, bath, teeth brush and pjs routine only to reappear like magic when the kids very sweetly shout “daddy story time” he stands in the door way listens to story then is off duty until the morning. He won’t go in to either of them during the night.
he is fantastic with them during family days out and but once we get home he does the bare minimum.
last night I was so stressed and upset and my 2 year old was over tired and bit me twice big bites leaving teeth marks. A lot of my stress comes from the fact that husband can hear all the bedtime routine drama but stays out of the way more than the stress from the kids themselves. Last night at the end of my tether as husband waltz’s in I clench my fists up angrily and said “omg I just could” as I storm out of the room. This was directed towards my 2 year old as he bit me again. I choose to parent with an ignore the bad praise the good kind of thought on the whole or I say “that hurt mummy that’s not kind we don’t bite” sort of things. I would NEVER hurt my children and I think that reaction was to try and get my husband to see how damn stressed I was from a horrendous afternoon which he spent in bed then mowing the lawn.
this morning I told him I feel so stressed please go easy on me. (No point asking him to help me I’ve learnt that over the years) his reply “hmmm after you nearly punched your kid last night”
I said get out of bed and look after these kids I’m going out for a breather. The response was “not in my car your not”
I repeated clearly “ I AM leaving now get up and look after our children!” I kissed both kids and said Mummy is just popping out daddy will get breakfast today, which they are very excited about. As I was about to drive off I rang him but no answer I left a message saying I have gone get up ASAP because the eldest can open the door. I am now in a lay-by 1 mile from home wondering what the hell I have done and am doing.
I don’t really have a question I just need an outlet.

He’s played the “you can’t cope” card before so I’m fully expecting that.

My answer to that would be " well I'll tell you what then, you deal with the morning and evening routines that I have to do and I'll do what you do. Sound fair to you? I mean if I can't cope then maybe it would be for the best".

You tell him not to speak to you until he is prepared to have an adult conversation about his lack of parenting. Until such time, you have nothing to say to him and if he is going to go down the route of bringing you down in front of the children, you want him to leave. If he won’t leave, you take them and leave to give you some breathing space.

Tell him as soon as you get home so he can’t turn things on you. If he tries, put your hand up and tell him to be quiet and that you’ve made yourself clear about what will happen next.

He’s played the “you can’t cope” card before so I’m fully expecting that

From the man who won’t look after both his kids at the same time?! I’d laugh in his face, frankly.

all those advising coffee/breakfast🙄
check into a hotel, or are there family/friends that you can visit? Let him get into practice by looking after them for the weekend.
book a massage if you can find someone with free slots.

Good for you standing up for yourself. You might not know it now but this is a very important moment and one you will think about a lot in ten future. The 'first' (maybe) of when you actually did what you need to do and started to rebuild your self esteem. I remember mine and 8 months later I left him. This is a powerful moment. Enjoy it and embrace it.

If he thinks you can’t cope it’s an excellent opening to outlining how he needs to step up and support you and be more of an active role in your family unit. Sending you so much love x

You don't really need to engage with him. Tell him "not now" and you don't want to hear it. You have better things to do with your time than engage in pointless arguments with him, especially if he actually believes the shit that he's spouting. Then take yourself off to bed/have a bath/somewhere he can't get at you.

Oh, and do the same next week... go to the gym in the evening and leave him to do bedtime. Or something similar.

Tell him you're around if he wants to have a sensible discussion about splitting parenting responsibilities, but otherwise you'll take your fair share of time off whether he agrees or not and you're not listening to his shit.

Oh OP :( what a shit situation for you 💐

Your H is a massively entitled prick by the sounds of it and I think you need to take this time to reassess your relationship with him. I agree with PPs that he’s going to twist and spin this around and that in itself is enough to really think about if this is a man you want to be with or would you be better on your own.

Ive been a single parent for most of my children’s lives, and whilst it’s hard work it is actually easier to parent how you want without having to stress about the kid’s F and how THEY parent. Plus, no anxiety / anger about their lack of input, or the other stressors that relationships go through which can affect the family dynamic IYSWIM.

Aside from the children and the fact he does Jackshit anyway….how do you feel about him in general? His lack of care towards you and his own kids would be a “stop” point for me and I would be kicking his lazy, entitled, shitty attitude out. Arsehole.

I hope you get some much needed respite and a plan for the future together.

But will he ever change though? How many women have stayed with useless men for far too long thinking it would get better, they would change, believed their promises and then a few days later they revert back to being useless lumps?

Why should one parent play parent to the other?

I don’t get why you accept this as your lot

fight for equality, or LTB

And the answer to that is ‘I can cope but if you are a competent parent then I shouldn’t have to. Are you telling me you are inadequate at caring for your own children?’

Also - I didn’t ‘have’ to go out, I chose to go out. Just like you choose not to get involved with the stress points in the day every day.

Well done OP.

Enjoy your McDonald's OP, I'm glad you are getting something to eat and haven't gone rushing back.
He really is trying to manipulate you isn't he. It's good that you can see through it and know it's NOT you. That's half the battle of changing what's going on.
You need to question what you are getting out of this relationship and where you want to go from here. I think a lot depends on how he reacts when you get home. I'm sadly doubting he will be contrite and apologetic; it's either going to be priggish and smug over his brilliant Disney Dadding and your inability to "cope" or angry and silent over you leaving him to look after his children. Don't be surprised if he has phoned someone else to complain about you and tell them how "worried" he is about your parenting.
I truly wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get a good resolution to this. I won't tell you to LTB as it's all to easy to say behind a screen but god I hope you do.

🙄🙄

He’s right, you can’t cope and why the fuck should you be able to! not many people could as you’re having to cope with his shitty behaviour as well. ‘His’ car indeed! Hope you drop chips and drip ketchup all over ‘his’ car.

They are as much his children as they are yours and he should be 100% stepping up to help you.

I hope you manage to get this sorted and that there will be a better balance in parenting but I suspect not.

Well he doesn’t cope at all

Well you clearly CAN cope because you've been doing the parenting single handedly for years now.

What you CANT cope with though is a lazy arsed husband who doesn't pull his weight, so tell him that and that from now on he's going to be doing 50% of the parenting either under the same roof as you or in different dwellings when you separate (& mean it!)

Boundaries! Don't ask, just share the duties. You take the morning routine, he takes the evening. And don't jump in like a martyr if he doesn't. Go out for a walk, go read a book in the garden, put the telly on and watch something you like. He doesn't get to refuse to take care of both? What the hell..??

I've been a single parent for most of my children’s lives, and whilst it’s hard work it is actually easier to parent how you want without having to stress about the kid’s F and how THEY parent. Plus, no anxiety / anger about their lack of input, or the other stressors that relationships go through which can affect the family dynamic IYSWIM.

This is so true. I was a stressed co-parent for 15 years, have been a single parent for 12 and it is so much easier.

You CAN cope with your children. What you can't (and don't have to) cope with is a lazy, bullying man who is waiting for you to fail. Being a "show" dad when you are out says all I need to hear about him

Well you clearly CAN cope because you've been doing the parenting single handedly for years now.

What you CANT cope with though is a lazy arsed husband who doesn't pull his weight, so tell him that and that from now on he's going to be doing 50% of the parenting either under the same roof as you or in different dwellings when you separate (& mean it!)

Horrible man. You’re right though the kids will love it. This is a win-win for you though.
If they’ve had a shit time then daddy can’t cope. But not to worry, it’s a team effort and with more training and time he can improve. If they’ve had a great time then brilliant, daddy can do all the mornings one week while you do bedtime and then swap the next week.

TAKE YOUR TIME. HAVE A NICE RELAXING DAY AND DO NOT HURRY BACK.

And use the "I cant cope" card for all it's worth. "you are so right dear, I can't. I have to go out for a breather and eat Mcds in your car again between 6pm and 8pm tonight. Hope bath and bed time goes well"

Good for you @JustHurt , I bet that Maccy's taste great been able to eat it alone in peace and quiet.
Next , as pp have said go for a walk , retail therapy, hair /nails after all that I am sure you will be peckish again so go for some lunch in a fancy cafe / pub.
You will then feel a little sleepy so go to the cinema and buy a bucket of popcorn and a gallon of sprite and watch a funny film .
Then write down how you feel about the events that have pushed you this far and what changes you want to take place with immediate effect.

My list would be
Once a week you go out alone for at least half a day. And if money allows once a month you stay out overnight .

DH starts pulling his weight with the house work , split the tasks however you see fit do not give him tasks that can be left cos he thinks they don't need doing ( my dh was great at doing the cooking washing pots/clothes but the vac was a mystery to him as the floor doesn'tlook that bad )

Split the bed time /get up between you , one week you do mornings and he does evening then swap.
That way you can both plan your lie in's / early nights.

But above all you need to be honest and say you can no longer keep doing this , if he throws the you left me to cope on my own / you can't cope card at you agree with him and ask him what he is going to do about it. Ie pull his fecking finger out !

Yet another thread that I am so happy that I am a single parent

this sounds like two enemies living together rather than a loving marriage.

what a dire environment for everyone, most of all your children and, as they become more aware of their surroundings - that intensity will only increase

Because your advice of a hotel and a massage is so much better 😂
Really sorry OP, I think as pp said this will be a turning point, for you at least. Hope he steps up or you step out!

My thinking is so different to yours I’m on another planet!
of course her life will be better! She is already doing all child care, cooking and night wakings. When dad has them one night a week post divorce she will have her own time, she won’t be stressed knowing she is up and tired and there is a lazy adult lying in bed listening to her struggle, that is soul destroying. She won’t have to do his washing or leave him a meal for when he’s up. She won’t have to keep the kids quiet to let him sleep. But wimin have to stay sweet. Nope.