The reasons we don't 'LTB'

[DogBirthdays]

Whenever I read a thread where someone is going through a hard time with their awful partner, everyone piles on to say LTB and rightly so. It's no life to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc..

But oftten the tone of the thread turns into blaming the victim of the situation for not having already left, or unable to do so immediately. Victim shaming. And leaves the person who needs to talk without support!

I tell you why I haven't left. Being married to one of these (perhaps narcissistic) people is dangerous. To your mental health, finances and emotions. Divorcing them is even harder.t

My H just won't let me go. He's a very very clever manipulator and has built up this public persona that is generous, helpful and an all round great guy. He helps others, organises get-togethers, is social and easygoing. Everyone thinks he's great. He does all kinds of things with the kids, takes them and their friends out. Buys flowers/chocolate whatever to anyone who's helped him/us.

I'm more introverted, don't enjoy get-togethers so much. I'm friendly but like my peace..

Behind closed doors he cheats, tries to control me financially, is verbally abusive. The children must obey him and showing negative feelings is not allowed. He criticises them too harshly. Character assassinates everyone. No one ever gets to express their views and be understood.

I tried to divorce him. He told me straight up it will get ugly. He wants all the money, the house and kids with him 50/50. We've been to couples councelling and he's even managed to convince them that I'm the problem here. That I'm too controlling of him.
Ive caller domestic abuse helpline and they adviced to thread carefully. With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm staying for now. Maybe until I've taught the kids how to defend themselves and they are old enough to. This is the reality many of us have to go through. Divorcing these people is war and you have to find the right time

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds awful(and so does he).

You aren’t the only one staying until the right time. I just hope the right time comes to you eventually, and that you get free.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s a terrible position to be in and I understand why it’s so difficult for you to leave.

Would you be able to secretly but safely record his verbally abusive behaviour? It could be helpful if you need evidence in the future to dispute his carefully curated persona.

Take care.

It is an awful situation. There's no reasoning with these people. They are ready to go all out if they feel their image /position in society is threatened.
He doesn't care I'm not happy. He doesn't care what is best for the kids. If I leave him, there will be revenge and he'll take it.

I’m so sorry to hear this, that broke my heart reading your story. I totally understand. I would try recording certain things if you feel it is safe to do so and he won’t find out yet. Get a hidden recorder or a really small one online. When you are ready to leave one day you will have some proof. I always wonder when I read stories about men like this, if I might know the person. This man could be someone’s colleague or neighbour and if his act is so good, no one would suspect him. It’s actually shocking how we really don’t know anyone, we only know what they show us. Take care xx

@scott2609 I have actually started to do this. But it's also a bit tricky to find a way to do it without him noticing.

Absolute truth. Being financially destroyed is devastating. The bullying does not stop after divorce. My ex used my dd horrifically to get back at me. It has harmed her without doubt. Playing the perfect father in public and ignoring her in her room for hours and hours of her visits. Not bothering to feed her, being too drunk to know what was going on in his own house. She would spend hours on face time to me. You can't prove any of it and you just look like the crazy bitter ex. Luckily he lost interest after I learned to grey rock him, he sends the odd text to dd which she mostly ignores. His visits stopped after a few years but he still pays the maintenance as if he has her weekly and 50% of the holidays. I've been advised to not bother trying to get more as it will cost more in court costs. Very glad I got out but it was a decade after when I finally felt free.

With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm really sorry for your situation. I have been in a similar one - and left.

I don't underestimate how hard it is. I had at least two years of knowing it had to end before I made it happen, and by the time I did, I was at breaking point. I look back & shudder, thinking I might actually have had a breakdown if I hadn't left & where would my kids be?

What I want to say in relation to your point I've quoted: making decisions based on what iuu you

Agh. Posted in error. I'll try again...

How old are the kids? I refused to see my father at around age 11 and I was listened to. When they are old enough, they won't be forced to see him if they don't want to.

He wouldn't get all the money and house either. You are married. You will be entitled to something. Even if you didn't get any money, it's better to be poor than with an abuser. I left my marriage without a penny and was on benefits but I was happier.

It might not be the right time now, but definitely start making plans for when the kids are old enough. Gather some evidence if you can.

Im sorry to read this @DogBirthdays . Is there Domestic abuse charities that could support you?

I think that’s the thing. People think you’ll be better off with leaving but quite often it doesn’t stop the abuse. However, you would at least have your own space to come home to.

How old are your children? They are exactly the reason I stayed for too long with my controlling, narcissistic XDH. I knew he’d be a nightmare to divorce unless it was his idea, and he would insist on 50:50.

I held out until the kids were teenagers but eventually I cracked. I messed up by having a brief fling but he forgave me (not a surprise, I knew how much he actually loved me in his own way, and it added tot he power imbalance). But eventually I could stand it no more and split when the kids were 13 and 15.

And yes it was tough, and he did insist on 50:50. But also agreed 50:50 on (visible) assets which made life easier. It was a rough time, but it really was worth it.

We are now 15 years down the line. Looking back I don’t know what I could have done differently. Unfortunately picking him to be the children’s father was the big mistake and leaving or staying couldn’t fix that. One DC knuckled down and got on with it with XDH, the other fought back and ended up with me 100% of the time and NC with her father for a while. They were already old enough to know their dad was a bit of a tosser, but he is their dad. Having a rubbish parent is a pretty normal thing, and kids grow up and work round it and then move on. Both kids completely get why we divorced.

FWIW both XDH and I are happily remarried to new partners, I have a great relationship with my kids, and they maintain a fairly shallow relationship with their dad.

I understand. Every word you wrote resonates, you've articulated it perfectly.

My kids are older and we're out now. It wasn't easy and it still isn't - he behaved exactly as expected and he got 50% until the kids were old enough to do what they wanted. But apart from him, life is wonderful.

Without wanting to heap any pressure or guilt on you, I have to say that my biggest regret is not ripping the bandaid off and doing it sooner. Yes the kids are old enough to see who he is and protect themselves somewhat. But the wounds run deep.

You were my mum years ago. It was shit for her. But we were kids and couldn’t leave. It was worse for us. Coloured how we saw ourselves, relationships and what we were worth. If only she had left earlier. It took her over 20 years to find a way out.

With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

In relation to this, my point is: making decisions on the basis of speculative future behaviour is allowing yourself to be controlled by him.

Anything is better than being in your current situation.

You don't know a) how much access he will want to the kids - many of these men cannot be arsed with actually parenting and b) how this will play out in court.

More people than you imagine can see through the behaviour of men like this.

Staying in a relationship where you are demeaned & controlled, is never benefitting the kids. Eventually it extends to them & is corrosive.

In my case, my ex had continued to wreak havoc on our lives. If he wasn't involved at all, it would be great. But he is involved on his own terms & had caused huge upset to the DC BUT it's still better: I'm the consistent parent (often imperfect), and 2 of the 3 have limited contact with him, and have become excellent at setting boundaries. It is not easy and I have at times a very difficult & painful life still. But it is still better.

Please allow yourself to explore the opportunity. 💐

YANBU. I stayed with an abusive ex far longer than I wanted to. He had no interest in our DS but his image is important to him so I knew he would want a couple of nights contact a week so he looks like a decent dad. He managed to convince me I was the abusive one because he “never laid a hand on me” and I hit him once. When he was on an aggressive rampage and had backed me up against the top of the stairs and was forcing himself forward to try to get me to fall, and was blocking access to my crying child - so yes, I hit him to try to get him to move and let me get to my child. And he “never laid a hand on me” but threw shit all the time, including a hot drink at me as I was trying to comfort my crying infant son.

I was terrified of not being able to protect DS during contact. Terrified of telling the police what he had done invade he told them I was the abuser (he threatened to tell Social Services that I had hit his preteen son - who was attacking me at the time and hitting me so I pushed him off me). Eventually I could not take it any more and left - and he ended up physicially abusing my DS during contact. No one gave a shit. NSPCC told me not to reduce contact. When DS told his school that his dad hit him, they didn’t believe him and were reluctant to report it until I told them they had to. DS went on a CiN plan which my ex did not engage with. No support to reduce or supervise contact.

A couple of months ago he brought my DS home early from a difficult overnight contact and hasn’t been seen or heard from since. Our social worker got hold of him and he said he doesn’t want to see DS anymore as he wants to protect himself from ds “lies” - it has been six months since DS last reported any physical incident and ex had so far faced no consequences. DS later confided in me that my ex had really lashed out at him during this contact and done some really nasty stuff.

I reported to police and social services who are taking no action because they’re confident that I will now keep DS away from ex even if he does turn back up wanting to see him.

so zero fucking consequence. And my DS has had to endure abuse at the hands of his dad.

Oh OP I don't know what the answer is, but my heart breaks for you and your DC. I hope that there is happiness waiting for you in your future.

I refused to see my father at around age 11 and I was listened to.

Same with my eldest, DD, she has nothing to do with him now. She'll occasionally call him if she wants something. She doesn't react to him at all, so he leaves her alone.

My 10 yo DS is going through a very tough time with him at the moment. Has been distraught on a couple of occasions & now has said he essentially doesn't want to see him. Will see him at certain times but not overnights, holidays.

My ex basically doesn't care. He doesn't give a crap about him so only wants to engage as it suits him.

My other DS does still see him but is aware of what he's like, sort of 'plays the game'. Sadly I think he'll ultimately be the most hurt as he does love his dad.

It took my exh to become seriously ill for me to gain the strength to leave! Sounds awful but I took the opportunity and left . He's still alive but hasn't got the fight in him any more. I suspect many of his adoring followers thought me the devil incarnate, but those people are not important to me. Those who I really care about welcomed me back with open arms (he'd alienated all 'my' people).

The kids struggle because he tried to use them as props for his external persona, although they see through this now. And because they see him for what he really us , he's almost completely dropped them.

But I couldn't have LTB before that, I was incapable of making any kind of decisions! I had been reduced to a shadow of his. I was ridiculed in public (but it was oh so funny) , everything I wanted to do was dismissed, I couldn't even choose what to watch on TV.

I wasn't me anymore. Then he became life threateningly ill, something in me clicked, and I left.

Good luck to you OP, its not easy.

That's so sad to read wolfie for you all

wonderful public persona

My friend calls this their party face

I hear you OP. My ex husband was very similar and I waited until the children were adults before I left. He told my DD that I was having an affair and that's why I left! My relationship with her was never the same after that. Go to a counsellor on your own and look after yourself

This is what I was coming to say - I know it's absolutely horrendous to be in your situation, married to a narcissist and feeling trapped.

But I was also the child in this situation, and my mum also stayed far longer than she should have because of all the same reasons you mentioned here. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it was absolutely traumatising as a child and really damaged all of us to different extents. We were powerless in the situation and just had to live with it, until the divorce.

Looking back now my mum always says she wishes she'd left sooner, and I tell her I know she left as soon as she could - it's tough on both sides but none of us resent our mum for not leaving sooner, we understand she thought she was doing the best by us and herself at the time. Now we're all older (all in our 20's) none of us are in contact with our dad. We saw what he was and what he did to our mum, and all gradually broke contact. Mums really happy in a new relationship, and she's so much more herself which is sometimes weird to see how different she is, but also lovely to know she's happy.

I hope you manage to get to the place where you can leave and be happy!

Any chance you get, squirrel away every penny that you can.
Having something for a deposit for your own place somewhere would maybe give you that push and power to finally leave and get your life back.