The reasons we don't 'LTB'

[DogBirthdays]

Whenever I read a thread where someone is going through a hard time with their awful partner, everyone piles on to say LTB and rightly so. It's no life to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc..

But oftten the tone of the thread turns into blaming the victim of the situation for not having already left, or unable to do so immediately. Victim shaming. And leaves the person who needs to talk without support!

I tell you why I haven't left. Being married to one of these (perhaps narcissistic) people is dangerous. To your mental health, finances and emotions. Divorcing them is even harder.t

My H just won't let me go. He's a very very clever manipulator and has built up this public persona that is generous, helpful and an all round great guy. He helps others, organises get-togethers, is social and easygoing. Everyone thinks he's great. He does all kinds of things with the kids, takes them and their friends out. Buys flowers/chocolate whatever to anyone who's helped him/us.

I'm more introverted, don't enjoy get-togethers so much. I'm friendly but like my peace..

Behind closed doors he cheats, tries to control me financially, is verbally abusive. The children must obey him and showing negative feelings is not allowed. He criticises them too harshly. Character assassinates everyone. No one ever gets to express their views and be understood.

I tried to divorce him. He told me straight up it will get ugly. He wants all the money, the house and kids with him 50/50. We've been to couples councelling and he's even managed to convince them that I'm the problem here. That I'm too controlling of him.
Ive caller domestic abuse helpline and they adviced to thread carefully. With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm staying for now. Maybe until I've taught the kids how to defend themselves and they are old enough to. This is the reality many of us have to go through. Divorcing these people is war and you have to find the right time

Great. Keep doing that. Also (and I know it is hard) stand up to him. Don't cower. Haven't you got equal access to money? If not look into financial abuse. That is taken seriously now.

Also look at what financial help you would get from the govt. Talk to your family and friends. Tell them the truth.

My ex was also outwardly charming and a great dad but in reality he wasn't. I was open with my friends and family. Even though I didn ask them to take sides, they all remained my friends. Not one with him. They know me.

My friend is divorcing her husband. She has told me some toe curling abuse she has suffered that none of us could imagine. But I have known her for many years and despite her hiding it, I know she's telling the truth. I've seen a couple of things through the years and he has come on to me a couple of times. Sometimes people know or suspect more than you think.

My kids are much happier now that we have split. They don't have to witness the tension and the arguments. He was vile the last year but he's since found a girlfriend and things are good and relaxed.

How much actual parenting does he do?