The reasons we don't 'LTB'

[DogBirthdays]

Whenever I read a thread where someone is going through a hard time with their awful partner, everyone piles on to say LTB and rightly so. It's no life to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc..

But oftten the tone of the thread turns into blaming the victim of the situation for not having already left, or unable to do so immediately. Victim shaming. And leaves the person who needs to talk without support!

I tell you why I haven't left. Being married to one of these (perhaps narcissistic) people is dangerous. To your mental health, finances and emotions. Divorcing them is even harder.t

My H just won't let me go. He's a very very clever manipulator and has built up this public persona that is generous, helpful and an all round great guy. He helps others, organises get-togethers, is social and easygoing. Everyone thinks he's great. He does all kinds of things with the kids, takes them and their friends out. Buys flowers/chocolate whatever to anyone who's helped him/us.

I'm more introverted, don't enjoy get-togethers so much. I'm friendly but like my peace..

Behind closed doors he cheats, tries to control me financially, is verbally abusive. The children must obey him and showing negative feelings is not allowed. He criticises them too harshly. Character assassinates everyone. No one ever gets to express their views and be understood.

I tried to divorce him. He told me straight up it will get ugly. He wants all the money, the house and kids with him 50/50. We've been to couples councelling and he's even managed to convince them that I'm the problem here. That I'm too controlling of him.
Ive caller domestic abuse helpline and they adviced to thread carefully. With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm staying for now. Maybe until I've taught the kids how to defend themselves and they are old enough to. This is the reality many of us have to go through. Divorcing these people is war and you have to find the right time

You are my Mum <3. Do your best as and when you can to get as financially independent as possible, she never left and he hated her having anything, but for years all he could do was tantrum as he was too afraid that if he hit her she'd leave. But boy could that man be hell to live with.

Its obviously never as simple as LTB however I agree with everyone who has said that not leaving isn't the answer and just damages the kids more

There's also a difference between planning to leave and doing it at the best and easiest/earliest time than just staying.

Staying should never be the answer regardless of how hard leaving is.

We should be doing more as a society to stop women ending up in these abusive relationships in the first place

Powerful post.

It SHOULD be the end of the abuse if you leave. That's what some of the posters honestly believe and that is why they get frustrated I think.

Sadly, from my experience, it's rarely the 'end' of the abuse, particularly if there's any financial dependency as that's a great way for abusive men to exert control.

In some ways my H has done even worse things since we split. I've had many many dark days.

However, at the core I knew I was on some basic core level 'free' and I clung to that. The reality is my children have moved from being small to teens & preteen, and they certainly have had experiences & experienced upset I deeply wish they hadn't. But I know it's still better than what would have happened if I stayed.

I'm really sorry Lee 💐 that's deeply sad to read.

Lots of men don't stop their behaviour after divorce. In some cases it gets worse.

This is true

But there is some escape.

I have had days of crying in the car pulled over at the side of the road, before or after work, thinking how can I go on. But I do. And I at least don't have to see him in my house, wake up to him, go to bed with him.

It is possible to get through it. I needed - still do - lots & lots of counselling. It finally made a difference to how I thought & helped.
I'm not even divorced yet & as we try to get there, he is being vile, especially messing my kids around. Still better to be here than there - genuinely I fear one of us would have ended up dead

My SIL ltb but also lost her son, who was brainwashed by his father into thinking she was the bad guy.

Luckily her two daughters were old enough to see through him and are now nc, but I can't even imagine how it feels to know that your child is living with a person like that and being influenced by him every day. He's 17 now so not a little one, and the courts listened to him when he said he wanted to live 100% with his dad 5 years ago.

@DogBirthdays So much empathy for your situation.

I do understand what people mean when they say its better for DC to have stable home 50% of the time than a toxic one 100% of the time

But in some ways by leaving you are exposing your DC MORE to that behaviour. ExH may well end up spending a lot more alone time with DC then he ever would have done and because H is so angry and depressed he would be even worse.

People often say you need to get DC away from your H on MN, but arrangements often get made which mean it feels like you're throwing DC under the bus by making them cope with being ignored, neglected, shouted at without you being there.

Neither is a good option but if you feel physically sick at the thought of leaving DC alone with DH behind closed doors for 48 hours...how do you rationalise leaving??

Oh @mamaduckbone it's stories like that that keep us from leaving. I once described my situation on here and someone said my DH could persuade the courts he was main carer (he's gone PT, I work FT) and I would have to leave my DC with him and pay child support. I'd rather anything than that. I just can't risk it.

But in some ways by leaving you are exposing your DC MORE to that behaviour. ExH may well end up spending a lot more alone time with DC then he ever would have done and because H is so angry and depressed he would be even worse.

People often say you need to get DC away from your H on MN, but arrangements often get made which mean it feels like you're throwing DC under the bus by making them cope with being ignored, neglected, shouted at without you being there.

This is 1000% true. I couldn't rationalise it, which is why I bided my time. Once you are in this kind of relationship, there is no good outcome for the children. You have to find the 'least bad' way out for them.

So .. you say that you would 'leave him today but don't because you'd have to involve the police to remove him from the home and 'you wouldnt want your kids to see that..'
and because there is an 'event at the end of this year with a person who is old and you dont wanna deprive the kids of saying goodbye to that person?

🤔

You have to find it in you to stand up to your husband. He' s a bully and bullies rely on you keeping quiet, that's how they control you.
There is never a right time, there will always be something you will use as an excuse not to leave.
He is just a man at the end of the day, if he starts getting violent or kicking off, phone the police, phone womens aid, tell your family and friends as well as his, inform your neighbours, shout it from the god dam rooftop because thats your way out, use your voice. Also look into tax credits etc , you will be financially looked after. My own Nan was married to a violent monster, twice she had the courage to leave him, twice she had to go back, (she paid one hell of a price for that) as landlords would take her, not her two kids, there was no financial help, childcare facilities, Womens Aid. Women back then had a valid reason why they were trapped, but not today, today is just lack of courage, faith and self trust. Your situation is far from unique, l don't know of one man who made it easy for a woman to leave, they all have similar fears and face similar threats but many are too ashamed to say.

I'm not making excuses. I've asked him to move out. He says no. I've looked at living arrangements that would allow both of us a decent life and be good for the kids. He says no. I took him to counselling.. Somehow he managed to convince them I was the problem.

He even threatened me that if I didn't work on the relationship (physical affection), by a certain date, he put a date on the calendar and said it would be over. I said fine. Let it be over and let's sort the divorce out. He's still here.

He wants the house, he wants the pets.. He's organised finances so that he could 'show' how it all belongs to him. He controls the car and restricts my usage of it. He has done loads of school runs parents evenings, bedtime routine etc. He can show he's a doting dad.

Forgot to say I'm taking baby steps. I've taken out a loan without his knowledge to buy my own car (essential where we live). I've got a support person I can call when I need help. I'm saving money and working on changing my job that is more suitable for school hours so that I don't have to rely on him to do the school run and take that power away. It's just about stripping all those little strings he's attached on me..

My friend was in a situation like this.
She ended up asking the police for help to leave, having spoken with women’s aid. When the police realised who he was, she was told that he was known to them and couldn’t have been more helpful in helping her to get out.
There was no physical violence, it was all verbal, emotional control, but the domestic abuse dept of the police took it very seriously.
He had the outward persona of a charming man, but at home my friend had all these rules she had to obey.

Situations like you’re OP do need a baby steps approach.

This is a get your ducks in a row situation.

contact women’s aid and rights of women. And keep going.

stop talking about splitting pretend you’ve accepted that you’ll be staying.

find some way to siphon money away, gift cards/cash in a safe place.

do you have anyone close to you who you can trust? Tell them what’s happening. I had a best friend I would talk to and email. Turns out those emails were my proof of abuse in court. My friend kept the emails and forwarded them to my solicitor as part of her statement!

the counsellors believed him because your ex is an expert at lying. It’s why victims of abuse are told not to have joint counselling with their abuser.

I hope you and your children escape him.

@Onionpatch this happened to someone I know of. Those poor children 😭 I can't say the fear hasn't crossed my mind

My solicitors colleague told me of a man who demanded equal care of the family pets, dragged the poor ex wife to court for her much loved dogs.

when it was his turn to have the dogs, he had them put to sleep.

I wouldn’t allow shared care of anything with a spiteful abusive ex.

take care xx

@EarringsandLipstick , same here. By the end, staying just wasn’t an option if I was to keep my sanity, and I had to take a leap of faith into the unknown.

When I see a flippant LTB, I think about how, statistically, LTB is the most dangerous time of all for a woman. And the abuse ramps up after LTB too, it just changes tactics. Like using the children or the family court system to continue to try to use power and control.

@realsavagelike

❤️

I hope things are better for you now 🙏🏻

@Onlinetherapist

I agree 'LTB' can't be said flippantly. Sadly I agree about the abuse too, it's been my experience.

I do know that when I was bluntly told by a barrister that my marriage was over & I needed to face that & make it happen, it was like a lightbulb going off over my head. No-one else had a clue. I didn't know anyone else who had split up. I kept thinking it was fixable. Those blunt direct words gave me the courage to tell him to go about 10 days later after he utterly humiliated me in front of our neighbours. He laughed at me for about 4 days, then I told him to ring his mother & ask if he could stay with her, to pack a bag or else I would put his stuff in black bags outside the house.

I think my unusual (then) assertiveness caught him by surprise & he did it.

He did then find new & inventive ways of tormenting me & has done so since BUT he was gone.

Sometimes being told directly is also needed. (But someone can only do it when they are ready, I know).

I hear you op. I left after 20 years of violence, emotional abuse and what can only be described as psychological terrorism. 6 years on, he's now abusing the children, I say children, two of them are adults now. Our eldest daughter gets 'I'm going to kill that fucking mother of yours' messages monthly, the threats to kill are reported to the police, but they say they can't arrest him, they'll have a word instead . Now that I've started reporting it he's started verbalising his threats to them. My 12 year old boy came home the other day telling me his dad had threatened to murder me.
I don't speak to the fucker AT ALL at this point, but it's not stopped.
Worse part about this is, the two children he keeps saying his threats to have a learning disability. The child that is neuro typical has little to do with him, that's my fault apparently.