The reasons we don't 'LTB'

[DogBirthdays]

Whenever I read a thread where someone is going through a hard time with their awful partner, everyone piles on to say LTB and rightly so. It's no life to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc..

But oftten the tone of the thread turns into blaming the victim of the situation for not having already left, or unable to do so immediately. Victim shaming. And leaves the person who needs to talk without support!

I tell you why I haven't left. Being married to one of these (perhaps narcissistic) people is dangerous. To your mental health, finances and emotions. Divorcing them is even harder.t

My H just won't let me go. He's a very very clever manipulator and has built up this public persona that is generous, helpful and an all round great guy. He helps others, organises get-togethers, is social and easygoing. Everyone thinks he's great. He does all kinds of things with the kids, takes them and their friends out. Buys flowers/chocolate whatever to anyone who's helped him/us.

I'm more introverted, don't enjoy get-togethers so much. I'm friendly but like my peace..

Behind closed doors he cheats, tries to control me financially, is verbally abusive. The children must obey him and showing negative feelings is not allowed. He criticises them too harshly. Character assassinates everyone. No one ever gets to express their views and be understood.

I tried to divorce him. He told me straight up it will get ugly. He wants all the money, the house and kids with him 50/50. We've been to couples councelling and he's even managed to convince them that I'm the problem here. That I'm too controlling of him.
Ive caller domestic abuse helpline and they adviced to thread carefully. With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm staying for now. Maybe until I've taught the kids how to defend themselves and they are old enough to. This is the reality many of us have to go through. Divorcing these people is war and you have to find the right time

She is giving her perspective based on her experience. She isn't doing anything wrong. She was speaking from the view of a child, which is often the side that has no voice or control in this situation.
I was in a similar Situation, but my parents eventually separated when I was too old and the damage was done. Today I have very little to do with them. I could care less who was right or wrong, they both had an equal responsibility towards me and they both failed.

I think the children would probably swap missing the family event for the end of the misery you and they are going through. Seek legal advice.

@Herewegoagain11 I won’t apologise. I suffered for my whole childhood. A child does not have the ability to get aaay from a toxic situation. An adult can. Yes it’s fucking hard. Yes it can seem impossible. But better than kids suffering for their whole childhood. And the family event? A one off. Kids suffer in this situation. Every day.

My ex is a communal narc, but he's got terrible people skills and is more of the covert rather than overt type. He wants his church community to think well of him, but he doesn't give a shit about it behind closed doors.

He was in a leadership position when he hit me. I had to turn away from my entire church community because they couldn't believe that this man who advised them on spiritual matters would hit his wife. And I wouldn't forgive and forget, so that made them even more uncomfortable (an angry woman is worse than a violent man).

I was miserable for years before his attack, but sunk cost fallacy made me frozen in place. I had committed to a specific lifestyle, and I couldn't see a way out. I had no career, no confidence in myself.

But I did it, and we are OK. The fact that he's a communal narc plays in our favour, weirdly enough, because he pays child maintenance in order to remain in good standing with his church. He follows through with basic commitments, and has remarried so his wife provides a lot of childcare. She seems nice enough, though I cannot believe she thought he was a good prospect. Second wife to a wife beater, what a catch. 😬🙄

I've since built a solid career for myself and although I'm in a mountain of debt due to family court (it was prolonged over covid and I had to pay for a barrister to help me sidestep a potential parental alienation accusation), it's manageable and we are as comfortable as one can be in these unsettling times.

I'm glad I left him. I wish I'd done it sooner, but he gave me an out with his attack and I grabbed it with both hands. I feel sad I chose such a shit dad for my dc, but I was clueless at the time. It turns out my extended family are also full of personality disordered narcs, so it's no surprise I married one too. Ive had to go NC with a lot of people in the aftermath of kicking him out, which has been tough as hell, but I wouldn't change it if I could go back. (The only thing I would change is to grey rock a little more thoroughly and lock down my social media very tight. Or delete it. Using my tweets as evidence of being a bad parent in court was a particular low point for me.)

@balalake they wouldn't. It's also probably the last time they will meet an important person to them who is very ill and won't be around long.
I won't deprive them of that goodbye

Fine I’ll live with my bad choices then and hope my child doesn’t hate me I guess thanks

My ex husband was like yours.

I left him and he’s made my life hell ever since.

It’s only got better since ds turned 18 and he hasn’t got him to hold over me anymore but he still rears his head from time to time.

I lost everything. My home, any money. There was no putting aside any money secretly - people don’t realise that it’s incredibly hard to do that, even if you work and they look at and control every penny.

I wish I’d never left, life was easier with him than the bigger monster he turned into when I dared to leave.

And people always say “but the children know if it’s a bad relationship”. They don’t always. Ds was 8 when I left, he didn’t have a clue. He’s 20
now, I’ve asked him and he always said he had a happy home and life, he didn’t know anything was wrong. So that’s not always the case.

So when people shout LTB, I always know how hard it is and why women don’t.

Wow. So sod the effect it has on them. As long as they don’t hate you.
you are not to blame for his behaviour. He is. But you can be responsible for getting you and your kids a better life. Up to you.

Mine wasn’t vile to ds though, that’s the difference.

In you shoes OP, I would be wanting to get my children away from him. But 50/50 is hard.

Mine didn’t want 50/50 but it would be he’d for you knowing what he’s like and not being there.

I don’t know what to say, just that i know how difficult it is.

I was in this situation. Everyone thinking he was great..wouldn't hurt a fly. Used to tell me he would win custody, he would destroy me, he would kill me, I would never see my child again etc. Know what... I went on to win every single court case against him, both criminal and civil. 6 years down the line and he has 3 court orders on him, 2 convictions, 8 days a month with his child and is made to pay maintenance through csa. Yes the abuse doesn't stop when you leave but having your own home away from him is worth it and the abuse will stop eventually if you ignore him and report it to police/solicitors and domestic abuse services. Remember abusers are bullies and you stand your ground with bullies and you fight back (in court). He won't destroy you, he won't take everything, he won't get 50/50 because solicitors and judges see the horrible bastards on a daily basis and see right through them. Start gathering your evidence. Log it with domestic abuse services, get a plan together and leave. Children are now asked from aged 5 upwards (too young I know) to put their viewpoint to the court. When he goes for 50/50 you state all your reasons (same as this post) as to why he shouldn't have 50/50 with his children. Good luck for the future. I hope you can leave sooner, rather than later. If it helps at all, I left when mine was 4yo .. and up until that point I thought that was my life forever.

Everyone thought my husband was a mild mannered kind and quiet family man.

It took me a while to end things and he managed to fleece the children and I out of our money, but the day he left.......... oh it was bliss.

He did not leave without a legacy though.. oh no... he told people things about me to make them think he had to leave and when he finally buggered off he paid no maintenance and left me with debts despite us being in a good position financially, he took out loans for home improvements which never happened and I was left to pay them off.

He lives abroad where he could not be touched.
I am still better off and so are my children

@Greyarea12 thanks for that ❤️ I am going to leave, but it I'm sure you know it's so difficult. He told me that 'you won't take my kids away you f*ING bitch and managed to turn family councillors against me. The only one who actually helps me is someone through domestic violence helpline. Our eldest already sees through him. They don't get on.

@DogBirthdays I really do know how difficult it is and I know how awful the aftermath is aswell. How about getting a 30min free appointment with a family solicitor .. the same one you will then use when you do leave. Go prepared to your 30 min appointment and tell them everything that is going on, his threats, how old your children are and ask where you stand in terms of custody, house, finances etc. This will help you to decide what to do moving forward. Not only that, you will have evidence logged. If your eldest is already seeing through him, he will be asked for his viewpoint and his viewpoint will be taken into account when deciding custody arrangements for your youngest. Also, giving his threats to you, and if you feel under threat/scared, right before you are ready to leave get your solicitor to apply for an interdict (injucntion) - if you win it, time your leaving in line with him being served an injunction. Whilst this is happening your solicitor will already be preparing the custody papers for your children. He won't have a chance to think his next step for everything he is getting hit with. If he's anything like mine he will be so shocked and worried that the truth is out there to the solicitors and courts that he will be too busy trying to think of how he can possibly defend himself against all the accusations that he believes you didnt have the strength to put out there. I know it's hard but you can do this and you will one day be so thankful you left.

DogBirthdays · Today 10:42
@Greyarea12 thanks for that ❤️ I am going to leave, but it I'm sure you know it's so difficult. He told me that 'you won't take my kids away you f*ING bitch and managed to turn family councillors against me. The only one who actually helps me is someone through domestic violence helpline. Our eldest already sees through him. They don't get on.

And your children's friends will also see through him. Children are not as gullible as you would think. My son's friends did not like my husband at all

The right time to leave is now.

It will get harder and harder if you wait. Your children get further damaged. You get more enmeshed.

50% of the time in a healthy, loving home is much better than 100% of the time in a toxic home/family unit woth one parent desperately trying to hide the toxicity and mitigate the damage.

This has been proven over and over but people still stay "to protect the kids". Nobody who grew up in that kind of home comes to these threads and was like "I'm so glad my mum stayed until I was 10" it was ALWAYS a relief when she left.

Sometimes it is not that straightforward! My friend is in this position. 4 kids, loads of debt with a bad credit score and no money. No confidence at all.
She would not be able to get anywhere to live as he has financially abused her for years.
She is just biding her time abs got a full time job so she can save for the future but will be years before she is sorted!

Lots of men don't stop their behaviour after divorce. In some cases it gets worse.

This times x1000.

It’s not ideal for the children, no one is saying it is, but there is often much more at play than just thinking you are doing right for your children.

When I left my ex refused to move out, me and 3 kids were homeless and we entered the wonderful Council assistance, where they would only offer a refuge, but it turned out there were no spaces, then they suggest I just go home as I had rights before finally suggesting that I return the children to my abusive ex “as then only you are homeless”
That was it, that was the help. I was lucky, I had savings, (I did squirrel money) but no one would rent to me as I didn’t earn the magical 40k per year, and when someone did I had to offer 6 bloody months in advance and a guarantor, then tax credits pursued me as now I was a single parent there had been an overpayment and it was just horrific.

Did it do my kids any good? I suspect not.

Do I think I did the right thing? I’m still not sure, because my actions turned the glare of a disinterested father onto the children who are now his final link in trying to destroy me.

I am lucky as mentally I was strong, but it’s taken a toll on me, financially and emotionally I have been on my knees, I’m mum and dad and facing a system that really doesn’t think assaulting a woman is a big deal and who thinks attempting to bring a woman to her knees financially via not paying a penny for the children is also acceptable and certainly doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good parent because of course that’s “different”

I had to prove my mental health, but no one has ever taken him to task over his abuse of me, because that’s just ok.

@DogBirthdays

The court won't care if he cheated or not.

You have got the nail on the head. How can you leave as there are no council houses. Refuges are full. You can't just rent somewhere unless you earn a good amount. What if people don't have six months savings upfront! Most abused partners don't!
This is why women have to stay. There are little options.

Yes, I think sometimes there is this idealised scenario where you leave and all this help just opens up to you and it doesn’t.

If I hadn’t been able to offer a huge financial incentive I suspect we would be in a different story now, I would have had to have gone back home and made it work, children or not, because eventually he would have got the children off me because we were actually homeless and he had the nice big house.

I totally get why people don’t leave. It’s not excuses, it’s bloody hard and the hurdles thrown at you are incredible, so you do question if hiding what’s going on from your children and giving them the best life you can in your situation is in the here and now, better.

I had a letting agent refuse to rent anything to me because “newly single mums are always trouble” and that’s the kind of mindset there is, that somehow it was all my fault.

Although I’m out I still wonder if the cost will be worth it for my children.

I'm joining thread later I hope no one has asked this

I'm not asking you to do this, I'm asking you to imagine it.

What would you need in place to leave sooner?

Could you imagine a wish list of things/events/resources that would mean you could leave in say 6-months?

If you can and other people could help you make that wish list happen perhaps it will seem more achievable?

@DogBirthdays you are so right. Some men are absolute bastards. However, if you leave, then your children bear the brunt of it when they are alone with their fathers. The only way you can protect them is by being there all the time as a wall between them. It's much easier (in one way - obviously not in others) if a father behaves so badly that he would never be allowed unsupervised contact. I waited until my youngest child turned 13 before I left. In a way, this was a good thing, as the length of our marriage was a crucial factor in my divorce settlement (which in turn was good for the children, as I was able to buy a house to accommodate them). In another way, it was awful to live with XH while knowing that I was counting the minutes until I could leave. BTW, there's no guarantee that your husband would be granted 50:50. It depends a lot on who has done the donkey work with the children until now (you know - all the day-to-day 'boring' stuff, not the life and soul of the party stuff).