The reasons we don't 'LTB'

[DogBirthdays]

Whenever I read a thread where someone is going through a hard time with their awful partner, everyone piles on to say LTB and rightly so. It's no life to be cheated on, lied to, disrespected etc..

But oftten the tone of the thread turns into blaming the victim of the situation for not having already left, or unable to do so immediately. Victim shaming. And leaves the person who needs to talk without support!

I tell you why I haven't left. Being married to one of these (perhaps narcissistic) people is dangerous. To your mental health, finances and emotions. Divorcing them is even harder.t

My H just won't let me go. He's a very very clever manipulator and has built up this public persona that is generous, helpful and an all round great guy. He helps others, organises get-togethers, is social and easygoing. Everyone thinks he's great. He does all kinds of things with the kids, takes them and their friends out. Buys flowers/chocolate whatever to anyone who's helped him/us.

I'm more introverted, don't enjoy get-togethers so much. I'm friendly but like my peace..

Behind closed doors he cheats, tries to control me financially, is verbally abusive. The children must obey him and showing negative feelings is not allowed. He criticises them too harshly. Character assassinates everyone. No one ever gets to express their views and be understood.

I tried to divorce him. He told me straight up it will get ugly. He wants all the money, the house and kids with him 50/50. We've been to couples councelling and he's even managed to convince them that I'm the problem here. That I'm too controlling of him.
Ive caller domestic abuse helpline and they adviced to thread carefully. With this wonderful public persona, there's no doubt he would get 50/50 custody, and I just can't leave my kids at his metrcy. At least now I can soften the impact.

I'm staying for now. Maybe until I've taught the kids how to defend themselves and they are old enough to. This is the reality many of us have to go through. Divorcing these people is war and you have to find the right time

I feel every word and got quite emotional actually! My relationship was exactly the same and I have lost a lot of people because of his character and false narrative. I was forced to leave as he briefly slipped up and I needed police intervention to protect myself and children. It was a blessing in disguise because I then had real documentation of domestic abuse to get the practical/financial support to start a new life. I have also been able to keep the children for the majority of the time and do my best to advocate for them. It’s really tough but not impossible. It’s been a hard journey but life is amazing now (even with the challenges). I’m a woman of faith so God has been my strength. I wish you all the best and hope one day you get the life you deserve ❤️

It is awful. I was in an abusive relationship for ten years with 2 dd. I got lucky, he decided to leave to 'teach me a lesson' he intended on coming back a few months later expecting I would be grateful. I realised while he as gone how much happier I was and told him he wasn't coming back. We have been split up 16 years now and I rarely have to think about him anymore. Yes the first year was awful, I had to change the locks put up with him bad mouthing me to the kids. Deal with him turning up and verbally abusing me, he pressured me to buy him out ( worked in my favour as house prices soared a few years later) but he found a new partner and quite quickly got bored of me. Once the kids hit teen it got even easier as communication became less. He's now splitting from his fourth partner but third wife since we split. He has 12 children now inc my dc 😩 and he's still as bad as ever. Hard on my dc, eldest thought he could do no wrong when she was young so she massively struggled when she realised what a dick he is. (I've never told them anything it's what they have seen) both agree now that been raised in a stable home with separated parents was better than being raised in a home with a angry man. My dh has been an amazing step dad over the past 13 years, he's given my dc every opportunity and they have thrived. I didn't have the courage to end it but I wish I had, if I'd known how much easier it would be than what I had to deal with when he was there I would have done it much earlier. Good luck.

@Easylittlethrowaway I'm sorry you're going through that! That's the awful truth about these people. So deceiving and no one can do anything about that 😭

For you as an adult ; if you stay, you'll end up hurt but it is a choice.
But when it involves kids? Yabu. As you will mentally scar them up for life by staying in a toxic situation. Protecting your kids should always be priority number 1

I don’t leave mine as he doesn’t supervise my children properly as he is always staring at his phone. My younger child has no road sense at all, last time I let his dad take him out I watched across a busy market place as he ran into the street and his older sibling had to pull him back. Their dad barely reacted.
He left me a few years ago and it was bliss but then he got evicted for not paying his rent and I stupidly took him back. I’m not sleeping with him and hoping he find someone else.

@Schwarz

That's lovely to hear about your mum. I'm glad she's happy.

When I have had very difficult times in the 9 years since my marriage ended, I think about what it would be like if I'd stayed. (I'm not yet divorced - it's taking ages thanks to ex & it's a nightmare. Meanwhile he doesn't come close to supporting the DC, I am scraping by, despite having a good job, while he's on holidays, nights out, weekend away with his girlfriend. He loves this. I do feel bitter at times, especially as my own (younger) siblings are also all doing v well in life & don't get it)

But they were little when it ended. They still remember an awful incident shortly before it was over. Ex had pushed & pushed me, mentally, over a few days; taunted me, ignored me, lied to me... I cracked. I just lost it shouting & screaming & the kids were there. Terrified. I was so ashamed. If he had stayed they'd have seen worse unhinged behaviour, I'm sure of it.

And control. I struggle financially. But at least I can control what I have. Ex used to spend our last penny on socialising & whatever he fancied. I had times with no money for food.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am working on leaving. Waiting until the kids will be 10/-12 which is a few years on from now..

@DogBirthdays you've summed up the situation perfectly for those who don't understand why leaving isn't always an immediate option. Planning is key

Please rethink this.

These years are so formative. 10 - 12 is a long time to be in an abusive environment.

I'm not criticising you. I know how desperately hard it is. But leaving smay bring

• leaving sooner may bring benefits

(Sorry app seems glitchy today & posting too soon.)

So your kids have years of living like this? That’s not ok.

OP you are absolutely right. It’s almost never as simple as LTB.

My ex-DH wasn’t as bad as yours but also had the whole persona thing going on. I left him eventually but people just couldn’t work out why. I lost a lot of money (still struggling while he is wealthy) and friends in the process. Even some of my own family members still don’t believe what I say about what he was like. I have photos of some of the things he trashed in anger but no one’s interested. It’s devastating. And then there’s the kids. Leaving is never straightforward if you have kids.

I hope you and your little ones find happiness eventually.

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm happy you managed to leave - the divorce taking time always seems to be the final thing they can "control" - hopefully you'll be free of him soon. I remember the same thing with my mum, it's the constant power play from him of knowing he's making your life difficult.

I hope things get easier for you soon!

Don’t judge! The OP has obviously weighed it up and the alternative is presumably worse.

But how do you protect the children when they are given to these incompetent abusers for 50% of the time?

Sending you strength and a big hug. I've been there. I know.

How can you teach the kids to defend themselves if you cant? It's just excuses. Divorce is quite simple, if you want one it gets granted. Yes, he may fight over the money\ care of the children but it gets decided eventually, by court if you cant agree. I
one of the best things about being divorced is showing my kids you can live life in your own, you don't have to put up with a partner if you don't want to.

Here to give a handhold. I feel every word too.

I'm in a 10 year relationship (unmarried) with a young DD. My partner hates me. He hates my family, my personality, everything I do. For not giving him a secondly child. Well a son, basically. He regularly gets drunk and keeps me up half the night. He helps little with DD and almost nothing with the house. When he gets drunk he tries to grope me, tells me what he thinks of me, and to fuck of and leave him and DD alone.
Despite all this he doesn't seem to want to split up or sell the house, won't go to counselling, although sometimes says he will just so the counsellor can see 'I'm nuts and a psycho'. He says if we split he'd make sure DD stayed with him ☹
I feel like I've toyed with every which way of leaving. There are no answers.
To the untrained eye we have a nice house, he's quite well off, he's a reasonably good looking man and when he feels guilty buys me expensive meals or clothes 🙈😔
Horrible existence really.

I have visions of me leaving him with nothing but a suitcase when DD is adult. I'd be happy to leave with nothing, know it sounds very foolish but I'm not bothered about money or the house, this has been going on years and I want to be free of him.
I've promised myself I will leave one day, whether it be next year or when I'm 70.
Until then I try my best to be a good mother and try to be wise with money.

My heart goes out to you. It can he so difficult to be in this situation.
Hope you can squirrel away some money for yourself. Also, keep a secret record of what he does.
Do you have any alibis? My neighbours sometimes hear things, I'm friendly with one and she has offered to back me up in court/with police.
Keep in mind you are a good person and deserve happiness and there will be a way to get it and day when you can be free of this man

it's the constant power play from him of knowing he's making your life difficult.

Thank you @Schwarz that's it exactly.

He's being even more obdurate & intransigent currently.

Our kids do lots of sports & he'll offer a lift to one. I do my utmost to have a plan b - you can never trust him - but it's hard. Twice this week he didn't turn up on time = distraught child late for match meet time. Once I was able to get back from another match to take the child (ex followed and arrived at the match & laughed at DS distress. 😡 on the other occasion I couldn't do anything so my other DS just had to wait, completely stressed. I hate it.

I also hate that the kids who see him also have to live their lives with a Plan B.

But I know it's still better than being married & living with him.

Wholeheartedly agree. I know my partner would be expecting and entitled to have his kids 50% of the time. It terrifies me how neglected they would be by him. I’ve spoken to HV and social work but he doesn’t meet threshold of harm so I’m stuck here worried.

But how do you protect the children when they are given to these incompetent abusers for 50% of the time?

Sadly sometimes you can't. And for some people this is a lot more serious than others (eg physical harm).

For my DC it is largely their emotional safety that is affected. He lets them down; puts them in situations they don't want to be in; lies to them.

But often he's not that bothered about seeing them so they spend most of their time with me. They can have a stable environment with me.

Now 2 out of 3 DC spend very little time with him.

As always there are posters coming out blaming the victim for not leaving, saying its a choice etc..
My choices right now are to pretend everything it's OK, and have a calm--ish life for a few years until I've planned for my exit. He knows I want to divorce, so at least we're not having sex anymore and he has now cleverly stopped the cheating so that he looks good in court.

Or to have a nasty fight right now and call the police to remove one of us from the house because he won't leave. He just won't. I've asked him to, shown reasonable solutions how we could both have nice lives apart, but it's a no. Not leaving.

And I'm definitely not walking out without my kids because that could be interpreted as maternal abandonment and he would get custody.
I have spoken to domestic violence helpline and they are helping me with it. Baby steps.

As always there are posters coming out blaming the victim for not leaving,

I don't see victim-blaming. I do see posters challenging your sense of the situation

Regarding your choices, there are more than you state.

You can get legal advice & initiate divorce or

Same as some of the other posters on this thread I and my siblings were the children in this scenario. My mum stayed until we were all adults and it did us irreparable harm we all have varying degrees of trauma from it and some of us blame our Mum as much as our Dad as she was the only one with the power to get us out of the situation and chose not to.

I remember incidents from the age of 5 that escalated and escalated through my childhood. I would stick up for my Mum call my Dad out and all I got was grief from her as I’d rocked the boat and made things worse.

He was the life and soul of the party, the charmer everyone thought was wonderful but actually not everyone did it turns out. He also said he’d want 50:50 custody and would make everyone think my Mum was insane etc, etc. I can categorically say he wouldn’t have, he would have said it to all and sundry that he couldn’t see his kids and it was my Mum who stopped him and probably would have used the courts constantly to get at her.

Bit even if he’d won do you know what, there’d have been 50% of the time we weren’t with him, 50% of the time where we’d have been in a calm stable environment. That would have been so much better than 100% of the time walking on eggshells, second guessing the right behaviour to keep him calm and happy and never being able to relax.

With a person like this you can’t teach children to “stick up for themselves” as the goalposts will always move and they’ll never be able to get it right and manage the behaviour of their father. This is essentially what you’re suggesting and you can’t manage to do that as an adult. All you can do is protect them.