To worry one of my DC is much more 'likeable' than the other

[jublieetastic]

We've been at a street party and it's really brought this home to me.
My DC2 (8) has great communication skills, confidence and just has a knack with people. She seems to click with most children her age and all the adults today at the party were telling my how lovely she is.
My oldest child (11) has anxiety and is being assessed for ASD due to not very good communication skills. She is clingy and shy, and due to her anxiety struggles with regulating how she feels and acts even in public. But it's not so noticeable others would know why she behaves how she does.

It's great to see DC2 thrive and do well, but really tough to see the contrast between them and also how others perceive them. DC1 is getting more aware of this difference too and it is really effecting her self esteem and hence making her worse if anything. Anyone in a similar situation - any advice on how to handle it.

YANBU. It sounds hard. I'm in a similar situation but my children are younger so it hasn't become an obvious yet, but I think it will become more of an issue as they get older.

i am reading a book called "Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Children" (that I read about on mumsnet), it's good so far - you might find it's worth a read?

Nothing to suggest apart from that I'm afraid, other than the obvious things really, giving DC1 lots and lots of love, support and reassurance.

Work really hard with the older one in overcoming her issues? Might be an awkward stage? my sibling was painfully shy at that age now her job involves her socialising with the global elite that would make most people quake!

it’s cruel - life is easier for the charming and likeable.

You may find that the balance changes as they hit teenage years. All you can do is keep praising DC1 and comment on how lovely it is that they are different. They are individuals with their own personalities. No-one produces clones (thank god)

Theres more to life than being likeable and effortlessly sociable. Its important that she still knows that shes fine just the way she is

Disagree. Better to help her improve her social skills. It’s pc to say that but it’s not actually true.

@MsTSwift life is easier for the charming and likeable this is just do true. As as the result of the party DC2 has been invited on the cuff to something else. DC1 wasn't - not because she was excluded just because she couldn't/wouldn't engage with these people. I can see this going forward more and more opportunities/invites to DC2 while DC1 further retreats.

@NameChange30 love, support and reassurance I'm trying my best to do this. It's hard not to get frustrated with her though and I know that is simply not fair (and hate myself a bit for feeling like that) as she was trying her best and actually did really well today given I knew she would find this party tough.

This sounds similar to my 6 and 4 year old. Older one is a charmer, everyone loves him. 4 year old is shy & introverted so much less of a people person. I am worried about as he gets older will he feel overshadowed or less worthy but I don’t really know what I can do, big brother is an extrovert (& a show off 😀) they are like chalk & cheese. Thanks

Don’t know where the thanks came from!

I was your 8 yo. My one piece of advice is don't, whatever you do, put any pressure on your youngest to be a carer socially. I was made to feel guilty, beholden, responsible and like I had to make my friends like my brother. Always expected to include him.

It was awful and I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout now.

This is just like my dd9 who is autistic she's an only child though so doesn't have a sibling to compare herself to thank goodness, she's already feeling the odd one out in society as it is. @MsTSwift thanks so much for pointing out the obvious that life is easier for those that are charming and sociable made me feel great.

As dc the oldest of my middle 3 was lovely and his younger db's were a bloody handful, rude and destructive , boisterous and hard work.

As adults the older is frankly rude, entitled and best avoided.. The younger 2 are amazing.. Obviously have only ever disclosed this now..

While I don't have ASD, I was always much more reserved and shy as a child compared to my siblings. I knew people preferred them and it did really bother me.
But as time went on I found my feet and my group of people. In fact now I'd say I have the strongest friendships and more of a social life.
I guess what I mean here is we all find our feet in our own time. I was useless at being a teenager and my early twenties weren't much to get excited about. But now I am much more confident. I don't know much about how ASD might influence her as she gets older. But I'd say the key is to encourage her and build her confidence, making sure it's not perceived as trying to fix her and make her someone she's not. Knowing my parents would have preferred me to be like their friend's daughter was actually the worst thing about it.

@MrsTerryPratchett That is a really interesting insight - thanks. Today I had a situation just like that and I choose to let DC2 shine and be independent and have her moment rather than having to support DC1. I felt really torn and like I had to choose between them - I'm still not sure if I made the right choice.

I was and still am your DC11. Anxiety and ASD. I'm late 30s now.

I was always aware of my mum worrying about me, because I wasn't like other children. I was shy, awkward and introverted.

But that's ok, you don't always have to be like all of the other sociable children. I was always made to feel as though I was weird/wrong/grumpy because I wasn't like a lot of other children. I'd prefer to be reading a book in a quiet place, or being around animals.

Don't try to change or fix them. You can't necessarily fix ASD. I think all I learned was to mask better. But now I'm older I've realised I don't have to mask, and I don't have to be like everyone else. If I'm happier reading a book than being at a big social event then why shouldn't I read my book!

I've been at a friends garden party today, I had a fairly ok time. But I couldn't wait to get home, PJs on, kindle out, and grab my cat. DH gets it, he knows and loves me for who I am. He knows I'm not a sociable person.

People will love your Dc for who they are, even if they don't fit in with the norm. They'll find their people. Just don't make them think their feelings are wrong. They're not, they're just different.

My mum always thought that if she pushed me to do more outgoing things I'd get over my "differences" and fit in. I never did, and I wish she'd supported me more in just being who I was.

Your DC will find their own way.

@playtest12 perfectly put.

Not necessarily though - both my kids have ASD. The younger one struggled badly socially in primary and the older was fine. In secondary the older struggled badly and the younger is the life and soul. Older is a girl and younger a boy.

Is DD1 aware that DD2 was invited to a party and she wasn't? If she knows, does she mind or not? If she is shy and anxious, she probably dislikes parties and finds them difficult, so she might be relieved rather than upset not to be invited? Or does she feel hurt about being left out?

Be careful about projecting your own feelings and value judgements. If she doesn't mind about the lack of party invite, you shouldn't either. I strongly agree with @Branleuse that it doesn't actually matter if she is not sociable and popular. She needs to be polite and learn social skills to help her in the workplace but if she is content with a small number of close friends, that's completely and absolutely fine.

Please do read the book I recommended. It talks about exacerbating anxiety and mental health problems - and creating issues that last into adulthood - by forcing autistic children to fit in instead of accepting who they are.

I have the same with my two - DD14 is quiet and introverted and DS12 is socially very good. It's so difficult. We had a few years when DD didn't get invited to anything socially. She is gradually doing a few things. No advice as I'm in the same boat.

Excellent post. OP please listen!

This sounds like me and my siblings, I was the quiet one. Not anxiety, just a bit socially awkward. You can try to help her improve her social skills if she wants to, but there’s an element that just comes down to personality. Some people are just naturally charming and likeable and others aren’t, and that’s ok. Life will probably be easier for the charming one, but your other DC will find their niche too.

All kids are different. None of my dc are neurotypical, but my DSs are more outgoing, with DS2 being incredibly sociable, meanwhile my DD is a typical introvert and much quieter and less interactive.

it’s not inferior to be introverted. I’m sure your eldest has other qualities that they excel at. Focus on those. Not everyone has to be sociable, it’s okay to not be.

This is my eldest (DD) as well. She is autistic and very socially awkward and has a "life of the party" younger sibling (who ironically is currently being assessed for autism). She will never have a huge friendship group but has found her tribe and is genuinely happy. Encourage your child to embrace her autism, as masking to fit in can have terrible mental health impacts. Perhaps do some reading yourself to better understand her perspective and needs? For those worried about their socially anxious/autistic children - I agree life can be more difficult but with the right support and understanding these kids can be successful and happy (I am autistic myself so I speak from experience). The key is not to compare them to NT kids but help them navigate a world that is, unfortunately, built for NT people.

Another thing I'd suggest, don't force her to go to big events/parties/social occasions if she doesn't want to.

I would dread any event involving having to speak to multiple people. I'd dread it, hate it while it was happening, and then afterwards feel sad because I felt like I have acted correctly/performed a certain way. And I'd see more worry and disappointment in my mum after these too. She'd be obviously concerned and sad that I hadn't enjoyed these occasions that kids are supposed to enjoy - like parties, fetes, discos, big days out with lots of other people.

But I wasn't experiencing what other kids were, to me these occasions were too much noise, too many people, lots of stuff happening at the same time, massive sensory overload. I couldn't process it to enjoy it, or even figure out why it was supposed to be enjoyable. Anything with more than 5 people around was an overload to me.

But when I was with 1 or 2 people I was often ok and enjoyed it. Things like visiting a farm or zoo on a quiet day, going for a walk in a quiet forest. Things that didn't involve too many different voices or people I had to interact with.

I would just shut down inside at big events. I still hate them now. But I LOVE a gorgeous hike in nature with a couple of other people, nice dinners and wine tasting with my DH, museums, going to nature reserves and seeing animals in the wild.

Just quieter things with less people and less sensory madness.

She will find things that make her super happy, just don't try to stick a square peg in a round hole.

@playtest12 has great insight.

Thinking back my mum making me take my brother out probably made him feel like crap as well.

It’s hard to watch but worth remembering that things switch around and being likeable is not guarantee of being happy. That being said, life is probably going to be easier for your younger one, but that’s just life, we don’t get even hands.

Read up on autism, and work on her anxiety and social skills. It’s important that she knows she is ok as is, whilst realising that a degree of social skills are wortb acquiring as it makes life easier.

Make sure she picks school subjects that will lead her to a career where she can thrive.