To worry one of my DC is much more 'likeable' than the other

[jublieetastic]

We've been at a street party and it's really brought this home to me.
My DC2 (8) has great communication skills, confidence and just has a knack with people. She seems to click with most children her age and all the adults today at the party were telling my how lovely she is.
My oldest child (11) has anxiety and is being assessed for ASD due to not very good communication skills. She is clingy and shy, and due to her anxiety struggles with regulating how she feels and acts even in public. But it's not so noticeable others would know why she behaves how she does.

It's great to see DC2 thrive and do well, but really tough to see the contrast between them and also how others perceive them. DC1 is getting more aware of this difference too and it is really effecting her self esteem and hence making her worse if anything. Anyone in a similar situation - any advice on how to handle it.

Right but you don’t need extensive social skills, unless you want the things that they bring. Not everyone does.

I did all of those things, and I'm an autistic introvert with poor social skills.

I have a good job, a husband and a mortgage.

However I'm still antisocial and not a fan of being around lots of people.

The majority of adults do want those things yes. If you can gently help your child without damaging her self esteem to develop those skills to help her achieve a full life as a parent why wouldn’t you at least try?

Today I had a situation just like that and I choose to let DC2 shine and be independent and have her moment rather than having to support DC1.

I'm curious what this meant, in the context of the party you were at?

You’re looking at this from a neurotypical perspective and assuming most people aspire to a “normal” life.

by the way, I’m neurodivergent myself. So is my husband - our socially awkward selves met playing dungeons and dragons together. We have a mortgage and children. Neither of us are particularly sociable. So it’s absolutely not required at all.

yes I am. I have no experience of ND so wouldn’t speak on it. The op didn’t say her child was ND though unless I missed that? Some NT kids are just rather shy and need more input from parents than their confident siblings.

She’s being assessed for ASD. The issue isn’t that you’re NT, it’s that you’re assuming that NT priorities apply to everyone and that everyone wants or should want the same thing. Believe me, they don’t.

My DD is autistic she is nearly 13, like your DD she wants to be social and have friends but doesn't get the "rules" she's had her ups and downs but we've talked about how she might struggle at times as she doesn't have innate social skills. She will sometimes ask how should I do this text/message. But mostly she has found a group who accepts her for who she is.

One thing that has helped her is playing online games with her peers, she doesn't really enjoy the shooting games so not Fortnite which also brings out aggression in teens but she likes Roblox. They play the games and talk to each other via video calling.

One thing we do is allow her to be herself and not make a thing of her not speaking which does seem to then help her with anxiety.

I am an introvert and remember being at my extrovert fathers many dinner parties being made to go and socialise and hand out canapés etc and honestly it traumatised me as a child,
I much preferred being with my quiet introverted mum!

My two nieces are like this. I’m sure the old one is neuro diverse but never assessed etc.

what has been brilliant for her is being part of a sporting club. She loves it, built in structure and socialising etc.
absolutely brilliant for her.

doesn’t have to be sport but I’d suggest a club or hobby if appropriate!!

OP we are going through similar at the moment with dd 12 and dd 9. Older dd is very socially anxious, has real problems communicating with others and looks like a rabbit in headlights if someone speaks to her. It’s really negatively impacting her life and she is very unhappy and doesn’t want to be like that. She’s self harming badly which is upsetting for us all. We are trying to get her some help. Dd9 on the other hand is very sociable and well liked.

You can decide that, absolutely. It is however good to develop social skills for situations in which you may need them.

Introversion isn’t a problem at all if it makes someone happy. The issue is that the OP’s daughter isn’t happy, and for that reason it becomes a problem.

OP, you did make the right decision. Clipping your younger daughter’s wings to make your older daughter feel better would only hurt your younger daughter, and long term could very easily damage the relationship not only between the siblings, but between you and her. She’s a child, and she’s her own person. She’s not responsible for her sister.

It’s only a problem if you and they judge people based on how popular they are. Fundamentally you can be a good kind intelligent caring person and not charismatic or gregarious. Do you and she really know that or have you forgotten/never thought about it? It’s no different than if you thought one of your children was “better” because she was good at maths. Whatever ANYONE tells you popularity is not a measure of anything other than how popular you are.

She’s probably unhappy because she’s picking up on the fact her mum seems to think she’s weird and need to change…OPs daughter needs support and to know it’s okay to be who she is, not encouraged to change to “fit in.

playtest12

I didn't notice your post when I posted my comments. But it's hugely helpful to have your insight on how it feels.

Shocker, they are two different people. There is more too life than being likeable.

help her understand her condition and the support strategies she can utilise with practice. Noisy places and lots of people can be overwhelming and over stimulating. Might be good to identify a quieter area within noisy parities which she can escape to. Take fidget toys, colouring books, word searches, audio stories, games console or whatever as aids to centre

discuss concerns with the school and ask them to give responsibilities that might increase her confidence

are there school girls on the outside of friendship groups with whom she can spend time 1:1, ones with similar interests. Great opportunity to practice interacting and build confidence and independence.

expand engagement and opportunities around her interests

be descriptive when praising

if the children compare themselves point out that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses

This is me and my sister now...l am 3 years younger and she will be 50 next year.
She can't do small talk or just have a quick chat with someone....it just doesn't come naturally to her whereas l could talk to anyone about anything.
Pretty sure she is on the autistic spectrum.
But she is who she is and nobody can change that. She has other qualities that l don't possess.

Theres more to life than being likeable and effortlessly sociable

This. One of my siblings was definitely far more likeable/charming than me. I was more academic.

We are both happy, successful adults. Takes all sorts to make a world.

@ForestFae I really don't think she is weird. I think she is often bitterly upset that she wants to be social and engage and have friends and be liked (who doesn't to some extent). But she finds it frightening, challenging and doesn't 'get' the unspoken rules on how to get along with people.This often means she acts in ways that make it hard to have the acceptance she wants.

It's hard to watch this and not wish I could just fix this for her. (Of course I try to support her as much as I can). I just have to hope she finds some people she can be herself with outside of her direct family.

@Sickoffamilydrama , @Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 , @playtest12 thanks for your comments - they were really helpful.

I agree too.

What's swinging it for me is that you say that your eldest would like to be invited to things and have these social interactions. There's nothing wrong with being introverted and content in your own company, but that doesn't sound like your DD1. There is such a thing as a 'shy extrovert'. I was one growing up... the child hiding on the edge of the party who would have loved to be playing with the other children but didn't quite have the confidence to get involved.

Practice may not make perfect, but it certainly improves things. Don't let your DD1 cramp your DD2's style but give her as many opportunities as possible to meet new people and have to advocate for herself. One way to achieve this would be holiday camps... can you afford to sign her up for a few short holiday camps or workshops during the summer where she can develop an interest and meet other children her age? In our area, there are things like 3 day drama workshops and woodcraft camps which my DC is too young for, but they sound great for older children.

What your older DD needs is to find her people. See if there's a group for kids with anxiety to meet and socialise, or a group for children with or undergoing assessment for ASD. If not, start one? She doesn't need everyone to be her friend but she does need to have peers who understand her.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert and it takes all sorts. Our society always sees being introverted as a weakness but some other societies don't like extroverts.

She will really feel inadequate if you feel like this as she can pick up on it. Please don't let her know you're disappointed in her. 😔

Surely it’s possible to help a child with something they are struggling with without conveying that you are disappointed in them or they are lacking in some way? Agree if the child was perfectly happy on her own that’s fine but she isn’t so of course op as a loving mum wants to help if she can. She’s only 11 so very young yet.