To worry one of my DC is much more 'likeable' than the other

[jublieetastic]

We've been at a street party and it's really brought this home to me.
My DC2 (8) has great communication skills, confidence and just has a knack with people. She seems to click with most children her age and all the adults today at the party were telling my how lovely she is.
My oldest child (11) has anxiety and is being assessed for ASD due to not very good communication skills. She is clingy and shy, and due to her anxiety struggles with regulating how she feels and acts even in public. But it's not so noticeable others would know why she behaves how she does.

It's great to see DC2 thrive and do well, but really tough to see the contrast between them and also how others perceive them. DC1 is getting more aware of this difference too and it is really effecting her self esteem and hence making her worse if anything. Anyone in a similar situation - any advice on how to handle it.

Is there anything wrong with not being able to fly though? It’s perfectly possible to live a happy, fulfilling life never flying. That’s my point, that you don’t have to do these things and you can live a good life even if it looks different to other peoples.

I didn't develop any skills or hobbies as a child. I think I needed some support and time from others I didnt get.

Now old I've a flair for things I didn't know. Also never got good at any sport -came late to learning to cycle and swim - just a scaredy.
I would concentrate on helping older girl learn a sport and crafts (dc2too if she wants) as they are such an entry into socialising later.

But the OP's DD1 isn't happy and fulfilled. She wants friends and a social life and to have a better understanding of those unwritten, social codes of conduct which her sister has already grasped. She may change her mind as she gets older and becomes more comfortable in herself, but surely for now the best thing is to try to help her get to grips with them and also to meet people who she gels with and enjoys spending time with.

Surely the best thing is to teach her to be comfortable with herself now, not “this is how you can change yourself to fit in”? She might be unhappy because she doesn’t know it’s okay to be who she is.

My girls are like this however it's the other way around so dd2 who is 9 has had the advantage of an older sibling to learn from which I think has helped her. The main thing though is her hobby. She rides and is starting to get quite good at it which has done wonders for her self stern and she'll talk confidently about the subject where she'd normally be awkward in the same situation without that to talk about. At the yard there are loads of like minded dc and they often spend half of or all day there and just recently I've noticed a huge improvement in her confidence, social awkwardness and general ability to socialise. Is there a hobby or interest you could expand on to create a social circle of like minded people?

Sounds like OP's dd does want these things though ...

She might not realise there’s an alternative and that it’s fine to be as she is. Kids tend to give introverted kids shit.

It sounds like social anxiety, not that your eldest doesn't want the things that come naturally to your youngest. My youngest is like that - really struggles at parties, but mainly because he wants to join in, but gets anxious then doesn't, realises folk are looking at him then tries to join in but can't, which then raises his anxiety...etc etc.

Main thing is emphasising the fun of social situations and talking through events like that before going, eg what might happen, what she could say or talk about, rehearse a few bits. That seems to help my youngest (who seems to be neuro diverse in a couple of areas). It's tough though, I really get it. It's hard as a parent not to feel 'shame' (not really the right word) when people notice and pass comment on your child's social anxiety. My feeling is, now, that it is them with the issue, not my youngest, and if they can't feel empathy with a wee one who is in clear need of a bit of help socially then they themselves can't be as well socialised as they think!

Or, you know, she may actually want to develop social skills.

She’s not you.

No but there’s a definite issue with society saying there’s something wrong with introverted kids. We should encourage people to embrace who they are. Not thing to be someone else.

See that's where I disagree. She's clearly very unhappy.
So she might need both. At least suggest and promote both. The accepting of oneself, AND the change, to try and learn the bits that allow easier acceptance, fitting in. It might be hard as first, but it often becomes easier. Or at least to acknowledge it, think about it. The self awareness of the bits we find hard.

Society may be wrong, but the fact remains that it’s not changing any time soon. OP would be doing her daughter a massive disservice if she chose against helping her to develop a social skillset in the name of ideological purism. Technically, I didn’t ‘have’ to learn English when I moved to the UK, it was massively fucking beneficial to me that I did though.

Human beings are a social species and having the skills to navigate social situations make life a hell of a lot easier for the vast majority of people. They’re important skills to have, whether you use them or not.

While there’s nothing wrong with being ‘true to yourself’ there’s nothing wrong with adapting either if it makes you happier and improves your life.

No one. Not a single person said there was anything wrong with being introverted.

i just don’t think we should be promoting “fitting in” as something to be prioritised especially above being comfortable with your authentic self

Its not a problem. My sister is much more pleasant and likeable than I am - we've both got happy thriving lives as adults (and I have a job where being a grumpy old cow is not necessarily a drawback).

The world is uncompromising. Actually it works ok. For most, for many. I felt very differently to one of my friends with ASD children. She expected the world to change. I don't. My duty to ds1 was to help and assist, to help smooth out the bits he found hardest. Theory of mind, lack of empathy, lack of ability to think through consequences. I've worked on those bits, to help him in the last few years. I now know I've tried the best I could.

Where did I say above?
I clearly stated alongside.

That doesn’t make the world right - I don’t think it’s right to force square pegs into round holes, instead teach your kids it’s okay to make a life for yourself that looks different to other peoples. You don’t have to engage in bullshit societal norms if you don’t want to.

Me, DH and our 3dc are non NT. Our life looks very different to a mainstream one, and that’s how we like it and it’s okay. It’s fine to be neurodivergent, unapologetically

The world may not be right, but in a world dominated by a social species you’re howling into the void on that one.

No one is saying you HAVE to utilise social skills, but it is a good thing to have them in case you may want/need to.

The world is fine. If you don’t “care” about social interaction why would you care that people feel you are “less” because you don’t chat? I think this is far more a problem for unempathetic socially motivated people who can’t fathom a life experience that is motivated by anything else.

It would be better to help her find friends that are more like her though. You cant teach a child how to be effortlessly sociable with people. She already feels bad about herself as her sister can do it, and everyone else thinks shes a problem to be solved.

I think gentle tips about conversation starters etc, but its so important that this child knows that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and that while it would be really nice to be able to just talk to anyone, plenty of people are much more choosy about who they have in their life and take time to get to know people and open up, and thats perfectly fine.

Agreed.

But you can just avoid it?! I don’t like football, which is a prevalent hobby. Would it be “easier” if I did? If you define easy as “having something in common with the majority” then sure. Do I miss out on things by not liking it? Absolutely not.

Can’t imagine how on earth you would avoid interacting with any other human. Really? However isolationist you must be I just can’t see that as possible.

We are not all meant to fit into the same box, nothing wrong with being introverted, l would leave her be, most people try and bend themselves way too much to fit into the image someone else has of them and then end up making themselves miserable.
When you fully embrace your child for who they really are, and not how you want them to be, thats when they really come into their own.