To worry one of my DC is much more 'likeable' than the other

[jublieetastic]

We've been at a street party and it's really brought this home to me.
My DC2 (8) has great communication skills, confidence and just has a knack with people. She seems to click with most children her age and all the adults today at the party were telling my how lovely she is.
My oldest child (11) has anxiety and is being assessed for ASD due to not very good communication skills. She is clingy and shy, and due to her anxiety struggles with regulating how she feels and acts even in public. But it's not so noticeable others would know why she behaves how she does.

It's great to see DC2 thrive and do well, but really tough to see the contrast between them and also how others perceive them. DC1 is getting more aware of this difference too and it is really effecting her self esteem and hence making her worse if anything. Anyone in a similar situation - any advice on how to handle it.

I have 2 dc one a teen and the other almost 10. I have always noticed people (usually adults) prefer my youngest dc. No autism or anxiety issues with my eldest it's just that they both have very different personalities. my youngest is funny, kind, caring,considerate. whilst my eldest is very selfish, moody, self absorbed, lacks empathy. and has always been this way but much much more so since turning a teen. I can understand why people prefer my youngest. I remember my eldest being 4 years old and being so mean to my friends dc of the same age I was so embarrassed. I've had times when I don't like eldest myself to be honest and prefer my younger one. they are who they are I suppose and all very different.

Thanks everyone for your replies - all very helpful.
Sadly dc1 would love to be invited to more parties etc rather than hide away reading a book. But would really struggle with the reality of it from a social point and going to things without me.
Thanks to those of you who are autistic and have replied. I really hope she does find her tribe and is loved and appreciated for all her wonderful qualities. I just worry for her and wish I could make things easier for her - I know she has to find her own way though.

Better to help her improve her social skills. It’s pc to say that but it’s not actually true.

I agree with this. It's great to say "You're fine as you are" but the reality is that she needs basic communication skills. Nobody is saying she has to be an outgoing social butterfly, but she does need to be able to interact with people rather than clinging or standing in a corner.

Very much agree with this.

I have an older DC with ASD/ADHD who was (and, to be honest, is) very socially awkward at times. He has two younger siblings who are effortlessly sociable and find it easy to make friends. It is not easy, as a parent, to manage this, because we are all conditioned to see 'sociable and charming golden child' as the most desirable thing, but actually, it doesn't have to be this way!

The key thing is to acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with being quirky/geeky/shy/awkward. Tell your DD you think she's fantastic just the way she is. Encourage her to be comfortable in her own skin, there is no right or wrong. Also encourage friendships with other quirky/geeky/shy/awkward DC. Your DD will be by no means the only one who struggles socially and in my experience, the friendships between DC who aren't the golden shining sociable lights of the party can be the strongest and most supportive/enduring of all.

As I write this my 17yo socially awkward DC is taking a break from A level revision - cheerfully eating pizza and shouting at some random Netflix series with a group of school mates, several of whom are also on the spectrum and as awkward and quirky as he is. They are brilliant, lovely, supportive mates and have been for years, yes they are geeky as fuck, yes they have always been regarded as the weirdo bunch at school and yes they would never in a million years be invited to the cool kids' parties but frankly they don't care and their enduring friendships have been an absolute joy to witness.

My two are a bit like this - older one is shy and a bit socially awkward, younger is very chatty and socially adept.

But - the younger one is far more insecure, whereas her older sister is far more confident in her own skin and doesn’t care what people think of her. So I work with them on different things. I try to get my older child to improve her social skills (not because she’s “wrong”, but because it’s helpful to have a toolkit to fall back on in situations you don’t find the easiest) and I work with the little one to be a bit more “stuff you” in situations where people take advantage of her kind nature. It’s some and some. People are different and have different strengths and weaknesses.

Ffs why try and guilt trip someone for making a perfectly innocuous, accurate statement? Life is generally easier for people who get on well with others, just like it's generally easier for those who are athletic or just physically able, those who are good looking, those born into wealthy families, those who are the same race as the majority of the country they live in, etc etc. Its not a value judgement unless you make it one, which are your own insecurities speaking.

OP I would echo other posters in firstly not assuming your dcs personalities are set in stone. I was an extremely chatty child whereas my sister would hide behind our mum and not say boo to a goose. Now she is the extroverted life of the party whereas I am perfectly happy chatting to people when needed but prefer to be at home with a book.

Secondly you need to find a good mix between letting your elder dc understand that it's perfectly fine to prefer your own company but try as much as possible to develop her social skills for her own sake. Because socialising with others is a life skill, that you want to develop to a working extent even if it's not something you love doing - in the same way kids need to get to a certain standard of reading, maths, swimming, riding a bike, Internet safety etc etc.

There are plenty of careers and hobbies that suit introverts. Plenty of introverted children grow up to be introverted adults and they are just as happy as the extroverts. Being introverted isn’t a bad thing. Your eldest just has to find their “people” in the hobbies they enjoy.

Because socialising with others is a life skill, that you want to develop to a working extent even if it's not something you love doing - in the same way kids need to get to a certain standard of reading, maths, swimming, riding a bike, Internet safety etc etc.

I can tell you have zero idea of autism @latetothefisting if you think all of the above is so easy to achieve ??

Disagree. Better to help her improve her social skills. It’s pc to say that but it’s not actually true.

why do extroverts always think there’s something wrong with more introverted people? I’m going to start gatecrashing parties and demanding they turn the music down and read a book. Sound silly? That’s what you lot sound like every time you say something like this.

This is me and my sister. I was the more likeable one. My sister has turned out fine, has her DH and kids and tribe. My parents didn't pressure her to be different and she's quite comfortable in her skin.

But it has hurt her professionally a bit so I think some coaching around personal impact at some point might be an idea.

Social skills aren't just about being social. Being able to speak in public to one other person, address issues with staff, get a job, all sorts of things. They are social skills.

There is being an introvert. Great, we definitely don't need any more extroverts like me in the world thanks. And then there are people who can't talk to other people effectively. That's a serious issue.

It’s not being an extrovert to be able to interact positively with other people 🙄. Dear me.

Plenty of jobs and lifestyles suit people who don’t like to talk much to other people.

Hi OP

I was your older child. I know my parents had a lot of similar worries when I was young.

However it turned out fine. You say for example that your youngest got invited somewhere, but bear in mind that your eldest might not actually want to be, this might not be seen as a bad outcome for them. At that age I'd have much rather read a book or something.

In my opinion -
Gentle encouragement is fine.
Forcing her to do things she wont enjoy to somehow make her 'better' wont help
For me, if I did have to do a social thing, meeting some people individually first and visiting the place it was going to be held so I could see things like where the toilets were, helped me feel less anxious
Never compare them
Recognise the strengths to her personality, because there are some. For example I am very low drama,the friends i make are hard won but genuine and this means that i am loyal and never fall out with someone, once I'm friends with someone we generally remain friends. People who are quiet can also be good listeners

My sibling was very popular and this went to their head a bit and there was lots of fake friendships and bullying. Years later we keep in touch with the same number of people from school as a lot of their friendships weren't deep or genuine. And that's ok too. They were also easily led whereas I was a lot more stubborn and this meant I didnt care about having the latest trainers or whatever and actually my parents found me a lot easier than my sibling as a teen.

Lots of adults don't want to go out and socialise and that's fine, they don't need to be 'fixed'

Plenty of jobs and lifestyles suit people who don’t like to talk much to other people.

Of course there are. I think you're having a fight in an empty room.

I just vehemently disagree that the way to solve this issue is to change the DC, rather than accept her as she is and reassure her there’s nothing wrong with being that way.

It's not about changing them. Everyone has stuff they work on a little to make life a little easier. Everyone.

I have a phobia of flying. I worked extremely hard on it and can now fly. I didn't 'change' myself. I just worked on a skill.

But it would also be okay if you had decided flying wasn’t for you and to holiday in the U.K. or use ferries to visit other countries. If she wants to work on it, that’s one thing, it’s another if others are pressuring her.

Absolutely. And it’s the parents job to help them work on those skills that don’t come so easily.

Sorry I agree with TerryPratchett not forest. Dd2 detests maths and would gladly bin it. But she can’t until she gets her 5 because that’s what she needs to progress in life. Same with basic social skills. You can’t just decide “not for me”.

No one needs to be good at everything, it’s okay to decide something isn’t for you. I’m dyspraxic, I don’t need to be good at tying shoes - Velcro exists, slip ons exist. I don’t need to be able to ride a bike, loads of other modes of transport exist. There are ways round things, you don’t have to do things you don’t like or aren’t interested in.

Why can’t you? Why can’t you decide socialising and talking to others isn’t for you? It’s absolutely not required

It is. How will you get a job? Work with others? Make friends? Find a partner?

Plenty of jobs are remote, self employment exists. Not everyone wants friends or a partner, plus socially awkward people meet other socially awkward people anyway. Not everyone has the same priorities or aspirations

No man is an island.