To worry one of my DC is much more 'likeable' than the other

[jublieetastic]

We've been at a street party and it's really brought this home to me.
My DC2 (8) has great communication skills, confidence and just has a knack with people. She seems to click with most children her age and all the adults today at the party were telling my how lovely she is.
My oldest child (11) has anxiety and is being assessed for ASD due to not very good communication skills. She is clingy and shy, and due to her anxiety struggles with regulating how she feels and acts even in public. But it's not so noticeable others would know why she behaves how she does.

It's great to see DC2 thrive and do well, but really tough to see the contrast between them and also how others perceive them. DC1 is getting more aware of this difference too and it is really effecting her self esteem and hence making her worse if anything. Anyone in a similar situation - any advice on how to handle it.

Socially awkward, introverted and or neurodivergent people don’t avoid interacting with “all other humans”. We just find the ones we actually like, rather than pretend and conform to please others.

Fucking hell. As annoying as extroverts may be, they’ve got absolutely fucking nothing on an introvert with a superiority complex AND a chip on the shoulder.

I don't understand why some people are so opposed to the idea that social skills are just that - skills, that most people can develop and improve with practice, and that are a helpful thing to have in your arsenal. And no one is saying that she has to become a social butterfly or an extrovert - one of the key 'skills' that it would seem would really help her is to understand and recognise where her own strengths lie (for instance, if she's much more comfortable and happy in small groups, or where there's a designated activity rather than general chat and mingling) and so to identify situations that are more likely to be fun and comfortable for her. That's a social skill in and of itself.

You have extremely black and white opinions.

Introverts aren't all living in cabins on a mountain in the wilderness. Of course we have to interact with other human beings, we can and we do.

But we don't have to enjoy parties, big events, lots of socialising.

I've gotten by very well being an introvert with autism. I just choose friends that are more like me. There are lots of us out there that prefer a quieter life. I have a couple of friends that also have autism.

Not being a social extrovert doesn't mean you're destined to become a friendless hermit.

My friends are also other introverted neurodivergent folk. It baffles people that we exist and are happy lol

That’s all I’m proposing 🙄. That kids are equipped to have simple conversations with others. That’s what I mean by social skills. Not holding court and dancing on tables.

It sounds like you have excellent and entirely appropriate social skills because they allow you to identify and thrive in the situations where you want to be and where you find value in socialising. The OP's daughter doesn't seem like she's there yet, and I don't understand why anyone is trying to convince her mother that she shouldn't try and help her to be.

OP
Ds1 liked this book: Teen
There are loads of good books for the subtleties and rules that aren't altogether obvious.
It's hard when you are naturally content and others aren't.

You have friends and socialise?! So what are you arguing about then? That’s all I’m advocating for.

The loveliest person I know is a total introvert lives rurally and alone makes you look like Madonna but we have great conversations and he’s always thoughtful interesting and interested. Being introverted and good with people are not actually mutually exclusive.

"Not being a social extrovert doesn't mean you're destined to become a friendless hermit."
No one suggested that it would.
Only you.

OP's dd is unhappy. And that is only going to get worse, most likely, and the difference between OP's dd1 and dd2 most probably widen.

Most of us are only suggesting a balance. Of teaching dd1 both acceptance. And also of the social skills she is lacking.

None of us said anything bad about being introverted. the only two posters on this thread who have, who seem to have a huge chip on their shoulder about being introverted, have ASD, are introverts with high anxiety.

I have actually cried today reading this thread.
I have 3 DC my eldest is 13 and she struggle so much with anxiety and social situations.
I do think she may have ADHD buy masks it. She does have friends and good ones but she always seems to be on the outside, but she is happy with that.

I feel sad that I have been pushing her to be different and constantly coaching her on what to say rather than accepting that is how she is.

My other 2 have none of the same issues and it has become really apparent as they have gotten older.

Thank fuck most people aren't as shallow as this.

I think there are two different points being made here, which aren't mutually exclusive.

1. It's totally fine to be introverted and not want to take part in "big" events and to find them tiring.

1. Even if you find them tiring, it can be useful to be able to interact with others in ways you wouldn't choose to, and learning coping techniques/mechanisms to do that can help make that easier.

I've never been diagnosed with autism, but I meet quite a lot of the diagnostic criteria, and I suspect I might have been diagnosed if I was significantly younger than I am. Obviously it's possible that that's a misinterpretation of the information I have but it does inform my next points.

In particular I didn't find it super natural or obvious how to have conversations with people I don't know, and I still struggle to time saying things correctly in group conversations - I often struggle to find the gap. But I have a load of coping techniques that mean I e.g. plan conversation topics before going to an event if I'm particularly worried about who I am going to talk to, remember that most people like talking about themselves and if you can get them going on something they're interested in then that usually works.

The stage I find most difficult is when I sort of know someone, so I have exhausted the standard getting to know you conversations but don't reeeeallly know them well enough to just chat without much effort.

I also find it a lot easier to talk to people a few at a time than in large groups. When I went to conference recently I didn't know anyone and honestly it was a bit grim, I really had to steel myself to force myself to go and chat to people and it was knackering. But the conference was really good for my career and I had won a prize so while I could have not gone it would have raised eyebrows.

Now obviously, ultimately I could get a job as something where I really don't have to interact with people very often. But in reality I don't want my life to be limited by that. Lots of jobs have difficult bits and that for me is one of those difficult bits. It's not something I have to do super regularly and I wouldn't pick a career where it was, but to rule out all careers where things like that are necessary would be really limiting for me.

Now that's all me, and OP's daughter may feel differently, but as a rule I think it's a parent's job to teach their kids the skills they need to get on as well as possible. And that might be going "okay, well parties where you don't know anyone are exhausting and you might not enjoy it but sometimes if we want to meet new people it can be a good way of doing it, so here are some techniques" or whatever. Not making her feel bad for not enjoying it, but also recognising that the world we live in isn't going to change any time soon and having coping techniques for going to conferences/making small talk before interviews/getting through the painful stage before you properly know someone can be really useful and can improve your life.

How on earth does wanting to help a miserable child develop skills to be able to have a simple conversation make me shallow? Really?!

Except that's the exact opposite of what I said...if I thought it was easy then why would I suggest it's a skill that needs to be actively worked at?
Chatting to people might not be easy for OPs dd (who by the way hasn't been diagnosed as having autism) - in the same way as learning to swim might not be easy for a child with dyspraxia, (or one that's just clumsy!) or learning basic maths might be hard for a child with dyscalculia (or one that's just bad at maths!), learning english grammar might be really hard for a child who only has English as a third language, speaking to strangers might be really hard for a kid with a stammer or Tourette's....just because something isn't easy doesn't mean we don't bother trying to help children learn it and just leave them to struggle....

OP's dd is unhappy. And that is only going to get worse, most likely, and the difference between OP's dd1 and dd2 most probably widen

i was unhappy as a child not because I didn’t have loads of friends etc, but because I knew that it reflected badly on me, iykwim. People think there’s something wrong with a child who isn’t super sociable and trying to “fix” the problem.

if i’d have been accepted as a quite child who liked her alone time I’d have been much happier.

You see I am always trying to get my DC to be more sociable but more because I feel if I left her to it, she will miss out in important milestones in friendships. Reading the view point from the now adults of quiet children who liked to have some time alone, has really, really opened my eyes.

Yes if she’s happy as she is say nothing the last thing you want is for her to feel you are disappointed in her. Only step in if she’s unhappy about it like ops child is. One of mine is lower key and has friends and goes out but would never want her to feel self conscious that’s she’s not a socialite like my friends Dd.