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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters 22 year old boyfriend shes known for 13 days

153 replies

Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 15:15

Is going to be spending the weekend sleeping overnight at Ex’s house with my young not teenage yet son.

am I unreasonable to say no ?
daughter is 18 (if that’s relevant). he’s completely lost all control of her.

OP posts:
HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease · 03/06/2022 15:19

If it was just her I’d say fine, she’s an adult, but I would be reluctant to send your young DS also. At best they will just ignore him and he will be left to his own devices.

howtomoveforwards · 03/06/2022 15:20

You object to your 18 year old having a set life? Or are you concerned this you g man may hurt your son?

Namechanger965 · 03/06/2022 15:20

Are your daughter and your ex going to be there? If so, then she’s 18 so if he’s sharing with her then I don’t see how he could be a risk to your son?

mycatisannoying · 03/06/2022 15:20

My ex wouldn't be impressed if I told him what to do under his own roof, and vice versa.
Voice your concerns by all means, or keep your son at home. But it's not really up to you when it's not your home.

Ncwinc · 03/06/2022 15:23

I’m assuming your ex will be there too? At 18 I expect that she has had friends stay overnight before, including male friends. How is this different?

Jalisco · 03/06/2022 15:27

Your ex is an adult and it's his home. Your daughter is an adult and makes her own choices, wise or not. Not sure what it then has to do with your son being there, or how you think you will forbid adults from doing what they wish. I assume that your son, even if not yet a teenager, has a basic grasp of the facts of life and knows that such things happen. But you can't hide it from him and you can't tell adults how to behave. You can have rules for your own household, but frankly I think all your would achieve is making sure that people want to spend more time with your ex than with you.

Children grow up. He hasn't lost control of her. He is allowing her to make her own adult decisions. There has never been a point in history when a parent saying "no sex" has worked. You can support her to act responsibly and to protect herself, and show a mature approach to parenting an adult child. Or you can try to control her. I can guarantee the latter won't work - either with your daughter, or with your son in the future.

NiceTwin · 03/06/2022 15:31

His house his rules.

What do you think he may do to your son?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 03/06/2022 15:35

I don't see an issue? Your DD is an adult and if her dad is happy for her to have her boyfriend to stay, then that's his business?

I'm not sure I quite understand what the risk is here?

Original poster
Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 15:39

I’ll be honest my issue is with anybody that they’ve only known for 13 days spending the night under the roof with either of my children and whilst I understand I can’t do a lot about the fact that he’s going to be in with the 18-year-old I’m not massively happy about him being under the same roof while my younger child is asleep anyway look like I’ve managed to have a conversation with the ex and the ex is not happy either .

OP posts:
Andromachehadabadday · 03/06/2022 15:41

Are you suggesting trying to ban you 18 year old daughter having her boyfriend stay over, at her other parents house (which you do not live in), because you believe it’s a risk for your teenage son to around a male he doesn’t know? But his sister does?

is this a reverse?

autienotnaughty · 03/06/2022 15:41

If it was my house I'm fine with boyfriends staying at 18 but would consider 13 days a little early. However it's not ur call caus it's not your house. If yr ex is there he's responsible.

felulageller · 03/06/2022 15:52

Lots of paedophiles target teens with younger siblings for relationships to get access to the child.

Say no to child going.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2022 15:55

Daughter is an adult; don’t see why you should have any control over her tbh

titchy · 03/06/2022 15:55

Surely the 22 year old will be in a room with your dd? Does he realise he's expected to share with her brother?

worriedatthistime · 03/06/2022 15:57

@Andromachehadabadday shes known him for 13 days , not quite 2 weeks so im not surprised OP is concerned

Mellowyellow222 · 03/06/2022 15:57

Oh my heavens I didn’t t think I was conservative until I read this.

when I was 18 I was still at school.

there is no way my parents would let me have a sleep over in their house with a bloke I had known for two weeks😳😳.

what Happened to dating - and gradually introducing a boyfriend to the parents. I assume this would be the first time this bloke had meet your daughters dad?? Can’t even call him a boyfriend - they can only have been on two or three dates! And he is comfortable having sex in the dad’s house. Avoiding eye contact over breakfast. Barf barf barf.

it’s unlikely he is a threat to your son - but it’s just weird.

B1rthis · 03/06/2022 15:58

That would be a no for me too. Having a stranger being under the same roof as a child under ten would make me uncomfortable pleased that your ex is on the same page as you. Perhaps he needed you to voice your opinion so he felt confident in raising his too.

worriedatthistime · 03/06/2022 15:58

Are some of you missing the daughter has known him for 13 days ??? If any single parent mentioned boyfriends etc they are told to not let them stay for months and longer as it could be unsafe , yet as its the dd everyone seems to think its fine

alexdgr8 · 03/06/2022 16:01

just keep the younger child with you.
i do understand your concerns, but that's about the most you can do.

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/06/2022 16:02

Why are people surprised about the OP being concerned? Yes the daughter is 18 but this is very early days in a relationship. I would be concerned myself as a parent.

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/06/2022 16:03

worriedatthistime · 03/06/2022 15:58

Are some of you missing the daughter has known him for 13 days ??? If any single parent mentioned boyfriends etc they are told to not let them stay for months and longer as it could be unsafe , yet as its the dd everyone seems to think its fine

That's what I don't understand. There are some very contrary opinions on here sometimes.

Minisarerustbuckets · 03/06/2022 16:04

That would be a no from me. Keep your son at home . I do not understand why so many folk on here are okay with this. Your daughter will probably get her own way but I would be having a discussion with her about getting to know boyfriend and having boundaries . Doubt she will listen though .

Ragwort · 03/06/2022 16:09

I would not be hosting a boy/girl friend of 13 days to a sleepover ... yes, I've had ONSs in my life but wouldn't have dreamed of taking them back to my DPs for sex the night.

Ponderingwindow · 03/06/2022 16:11

I wouldn’t let someone my 18 year old had been dating for 13 days stay overnight in my home. The fact that he is 22 makes it even worse.

You can’t stop it from happening because it is not your house and she is 18.

I would however try to prevent the younger child from being present in the house overnight with an essential
stranger. That just isn’t safe.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/06/2022 16:15

I wouldn't be happy about that either OP