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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters 22 year old boyfriend shes known for 13 days

153 replies

Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 15:15

Is going to be spending the weekend sleeping overnight at Ex’s house with my young not teenage yet son.

am I unreasonable to say no ?
daughter is 18 (if that’s relevant). he’s completely lost all control of her.

OP posts:
MushyPeasPrincess · 03/06/2022 16:21

I would keep your young son at home with you.
I wouldn't be happy about the 13 day thing either but your daughter is technically an adult in another home so I don't think you'll have much luck there.

But you can, and should, prevent risk to your younger son if and when you can. Odds are hugely that he's just an average chap wanting to shag your DD but the fact is that you don't know him from Adam so don't put your son in any danger just in case he is a predator.

I'm not a "pedophile on every corner" screamer at all but I just wouldn't be comfortable with this. Why take the risk when it's easily preventable by keeping him home is my thinking.

JustTheOneSwan · 03/06/2022 16:26

worriedatthistime · 03/06/2022 15:58

Are some of you missing the daughter has known him for 13 days ??? If any single parent mentioned boyfriends etc they are told to not let them stay for months and longer as it could be unsafe , yet as its the dd everyone seems to think its fine

Agree with this.
YANBU

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 03/06/2022 16:31

A definite YANBU from me. 13 days? Raise your bar some PPs

Jalisco · 03/06/2022 16:32

What parents aren't happy about and what they can prevent are two different things. That is why I said that adults make their own choices, wise or not. Nobody is saying that having sex with someone you met 13 days ago- or yesterday - is "wise" (although I am wondering what the appropriate length of time is when it becomes ok). But since she is going to sleep with him, better that she is in a safe environment, surely? You / your ex can ban them sleeping together under your roofs, but not anywhere else. Some of the other available locations might be very unsafe for all sorts of reasons.

I'd be interested to see the facts and statistics suggesting that a younger child isn't safe in the same house as his older siblings boyfriend. If the boyfriend was 45 I would be considerably more concerned (for the 18 year old, to be honest -although there is still very little one can do about it with two consenting adults), but he's 22, and a 3/4 year age gap between the two is not unusual at all.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/06/2022 16:35

I’ve managed to have a conversation with the ex and the ex is not happy either .

If your ex is not happy, he can ban the 22 year old from staying.
If you are not happy, YOU can ban the 22 year old from staying.

When you say - he’s completely lost all control of her - what do you mean?
Do you expect your ex to police his adult DD's sex life?
Because that's fucking weird.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/06/2022 16:43

It's safer for your DD to have him where her father is present than it would be for her to go to his place.

Harm reduction is the best approach - not outright refusal, which can lead to all safety measures being thrown out the window.

You don't have to approve, you just have to think what is safer compared to the real alternative which, as an adult, would be her going wherever she likes with anybody she wants to.

Blossomtoes · 03/06/2022 16:43

My concern would be about my daughter, not my son. Having said that, I was living with my 22 year old boyfriend when I was 18 and we were those ages when we got married. 🤭

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2022 16:49

If your ex isn't happy about it, why doesn't he tell her no? It's his house, he makes the rules.

Eightiesfan · 03/06/2022 16:53

It would be a no from me as well. At 18, DD can sleep with whoever she likes, but I agree with OP, she’s known him all of 5 minutes, in a couple of weeks it might be someone else, then a few weeks later, another BF.

I would not want my young son to be exposed to this and regard it as normal. I would keep my DS at home with me, or I would suggest that DD goes to her BFs house.

I would not agree to having a stranger, which is what he is after all, sleep in the same house as my young child. If it was me, I would want a chance to get to know this person before I allow any sleepovers.

If there was no younger child in the house, I would probably have no issue with this, but there is and OP needs to do what she thinks is best.

AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 16:56

I wouldn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend of 13 days staying over in my house, but you are being completely controlling to say your son can’t stay there.

Your ds is also your ex’s ds, and whether you like it or not who he has to stay in his house when your ds is there is literally none of your business.

Or how would you feel if he decided he wasn’t going to allow his son to be in a house with someone he didn’t approve of and came to fetch him so it couldn’t happen?

Honesty these women who suggest that they can disallow what goes on in their ex’s house and can withhold contact accordingly is ridiculous. These are presumably the same women who would be seeking a court order if the ex refused to return the DC because he didn’t approve of how they were living their lives.

If your ex doesn’t agree with his dd having her boyfriend over to stay then that’s fr him to police, not you.

She’s an adult, and to suggest that she’s out of control because she has a 22 year old boyfriend and is <gasp> sleeping with him is prudish to say the least.

Assuming she’s not running a drug cartel her behaviour for an 18 year old is, in fact, normal.

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 16:59

It seems seriously over the top to be worried about your son’s safety. Even if the boyfriend is a paedophile who likes boys how on earth would he get anywhere near your son given that your daughter will be with him in the night and your ex is also in the house?

Your comment that your ex has lost all control is ridiculous. It would be preferable if your daughter had known the 22 year old for longer than 13 days but she is an adult so it's her choice to make. I'm sure plenty of people sleep with someone they've known for less than couple of weeks. It's not that big a deal and if your ex said he couldn't stay, I'm sure your daughter would just stay at the boyfriends house so what would be achieved?

DaleTrimont · 03/06/2022 17:00

Mellowyellow222 · 03/06/2022 15:57

Oh my heavens I didn’t t think I was conservative until I read this.

when I was 18 I was still at school.

there is no way my parents would let me have a sleep over in their house with a bloke I had known for two weeks😳😳.

what Happened to dating - and gradually introducing a boyfriend to the parents. I assume this would be the first time this bloke had meet your daughters dad?? Can’t even call him a boyfriend - they can only have been on two or three dates! And he is comfortable having sex in the dad’s house. Avoiding eye contact over breakfast. Barf barf barf.

it’s unlikely he is a threat to your son - but it’s just weird.

Same here. Absolutely no way my parents or any of my friend’s parents would have let us have a boyfriend to sleep over while we were still schoolgirls. I wasn’t allowed to share a room with DH until we were married ! I think this has really gone too far the other way. The parental rules helped me and many others deal with the pressure from boys to have sex long before we felt ready. I have teenage daughters, no boyfriends yet but any boys will be firmly in another room until my dds are actual adults, eg over 21.

lanthanum · 03/06/2022 17:01

Someone on here said they had a house rule that girl/boyfriends couldn't stay overnight until the relationship had been going on six months. I think there's something to be said for a rule like that, that rules out one night stands and also makes it a "not yet" rather than a "no".

Difficult with an 18 year old, though - they're technically adult, so negotiating "new" house rules is harder.

I think her brother only comes into it as far as he may be at the stage where he finds the idea of his sister having sex distressing, and she might be encouraged to consider his feelings, and introduce the boyfriend a bit more gradually.

(Or does "sleeping at my Ex's house with my son" mean he's expecting to share your son's room rather than your daughter's? In that case, I think there's a veto on anyone sharing a room with someone they don't know.)

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:04

I would not want my young son to be exposed to this and regard it as normal. I would keep my DS at home with me, or I would suggest that DD goes to her BFs house.

It is pretty normal for adults to have sex though and I'm sure the son will work this out for himself. Stop being so prudish.

Jalepenojello · 03/06/2022 17:08

I wouldn’t like it but can’t see how you have any day over it. Keep your younger Dc home if they agree

AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 17:10

I don’t disagree that encouraging these youngsters to stay over as soon as possible seems a bit too liberal, but there’s a difference between rolling your eyes at someone else doing it while you wouldn’t, and withholding access from your child’s father because he lives by different rules.

As for PP saying that the OP’s DS might be distressed at the thought of them having sex, how bloody ridiculous. Presumably he knows his parents have sex? Assuming he’s not going to watch, he doesn’t actually have to know anything. He’s 12 he’s not a baby, and knows about sex.

SlatsandFlaps · 03/06/2022 17:11

NiceTwin · 03/06/2022 15:31

His house his rules.

What do you think he may do to your son?

Oh come on. Would you say the same if OP's son was a girl????

SlatsandFlaps · 03/06/2022 17:12

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2022 15:55

Daughter is an adult; don’t see why you should have any control over her tbh

Read the OP again

AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 17:12

If my partner withheld access because he disapproved of the rules in my house I would go to court to get an enforceable court order.

There is not a court in the land who would agree that an 18 year old having a boyfriend to stay was a risk to the child.

As for asking the DS if he wanted to stay and why, I would imagine this could be seen as parental alienation.

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:13

Oh come on. Would you say the same if OP's son was a girl????

I would! What do you think will happen given the DD will be with the boyfriend during the night the OP's ex is also in the house.

AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 17:13

Oh come on. Would you say the same if OP's son was a girl???? yes. Hth.

SlatsandFlaps · 03/06/2022 17:14

AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 17:13

Oh come on. Would you say the same if OP's son was a girl???? yes. Hth.

I respectfully disagree that the majority on MN would!!

TonyBlairsLover · 03/06/2022 17:15

@YetAnotherNameChange111 I agree, my mother always told me to have my bar high…

TonyBlairsLover · 03/06/2022 17:15

@AlternativePerspective yes I would. 13 days is an awfully short time

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:15

"there is no way my parents would let me have a sleep over in their house with a bloke I had known for two weeks😳😳."

It was different when we were young, but bringing casual male partners into a home is always a safety risk. It's an issue for women house sharing with strange men coming over.