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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters 22 year old boyfriend shes known for 13 days

153 replies

Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 15:15

Is going to be spending the weekend sleeping overnight at Ex’s house with my young not teenage yet son.

am I unreasonable to say no ?
daughter is 18 (if that’s relevant). he’s completely lost all control of her.

OP posts:
WalkerWalking · 03/06/2022 17:16

I can't get my head around the fact that so many people are just shrugging their shoulders and saying "well, she's an adult, she can have whatever random stranger she fancies staying over night with your other pre-teen child".

Can you imagine the grief this mum would get if she were posting asking whether it would be OK for HER to have a stranger stay the night with her young children in the house?!!

Jalisco · 03/06/2022 17:16

I think her brother only comes into it as far as he may be at the stage where he finds the idea of his sister having sex distressing
Judging by most of the under teenage boys (and some teenage boys) I come across, they find the idea of anyone they know - especially their own parents - having sex as unbelievably "yuck" 😏

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:16

"I respectfully disagree that the majority on MN would!!"

It's not the same. A strange man is a threat in a way that a strange woman isn't.

Lindy2 · 03/06/2022 17:17

I think it's too soon after only 13 days. I'm surprised others are so relaxed.

It's nothing to do with an 18 year old having a sex life it's the fact she hardly knows this person yet.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/06/2022 17:18

Yur 18-year old daughter is an adult in her own right and can have a one-night stand if she wants.
The fact she is staying with her new BF at her Dad's makes is safer. And I think a smart move on her behalf. Maybe she just doesn't want your sniffy judgement?

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:19

Someone on here said they had a house rule that girl/boyfriends couldn't stay overnight until the relationship had been going on six months. I think there's something to be said for a rule like that, that rules out one night stands and also makes it a "not yet" rather than a "no".

I think that's ridiculous if the DC are adults. The vast majority of people don't wait six months before sleeping with a partner.

WalkerWalking · 03/06/2022 17:20

Also, can we stop this narrative that teenagers wake up on their 18th birthday and are suddenly fully functioning, responsible adults.

Of course for legal reasons there has to be a precise cut off between child and adult, and of course at some point young people need to make their own mistakes. But I think it's perfectly reasonable for parents to continue to set boundaries for their child past the age of 17yrs and 364 days, especially if that child adult is still living at home.

MushyPeasPrincess · 03/06/2022 17:21

It seems seriously over the top to be worried about your son’s safety. Even if the boyfriend is a paedophile who likes boys how on earth would he get anywhere near your son given that your daughter will be with him in the night and your ex is also in the house?

As someone who has worked with survivors of abuse, this is incredibly naive. Paedophiles can move quietly when other people are asleep you know.

Hawkins001 · 03/06/2022 17:22

Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 15:39

I’ll be honest my issue is with anybody that they’ve only known for 13 days spending the night under the roof with either of my children and whilst I understand I can’t do a lot about the fact that he’s going to be in with the 18-year-old I’m not massively happy about him being under the same roof while my younger child is asleep anyway look like I’ve managed to have a conversation with the ex and the ex is not happy either .

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations op, what's the morals personality side of your dd ?

JinglingHellsBells · 03/06/2022 17:22

Not sure what the focus of your concern is here OP.

Is it that the boyfriend might be a risk to your son (in a sexual way?)

In the way that he's an unknown man who'd be sleeping in the same house?

I think that's taking your imagination a bit too far.

I'd be more worried about an 18 year old getting into bed so soon with a man, any man, after less than 2 weeks.

I get tired of MN saying the old 'she's an adult now'. She might be legally, but that means nothing except she is allowed to do certain thing by law.

It doesn't mean parenting stops and teens of her age run wild or do anything they want when still living at home.

GreenClock · 03/06/2022 17:23

The 22yo is probably perfectly decent, but I think it’s disrespectful to be having boy/girlfriends stay over at your mother/father’s house after only a fortnight tbh.

I‘m obviously ok with youngsters aged 16+ having sex lives (I had a serious boyfriend myself from the age of 16 to 19) but I think that staying over with parents should be confined to established relationships. I reckon that’s good behaviour to model to the 12yo too.

But it’s your ex husband’s decision ultimately I suppose, if it’s his contact weekend.

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:23

Lindy2 · 03/06/2022 17:17

I think it's too soon after only 13 days. I'm surprised others are so relaxed.

It's nothing to do with an 18 year old having a sex life it's the fact she hardly knows this person yet.

Why are you surprised some people are relaxed? Do you think everyone waits for months before sleeping with the person they are dating?

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:24

"As someone who has worked with survivors of abuse, this is incredibly naive. Paedophiles can move quietly when other people are asleep you know."

As someone who knows nothing much about abuse, this is a totally stupid comment. Most houses don't have locks on bedrooms and people can move between them easily.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:24

"Why are you surprised some people are relaxed? Do you think everyone waits for months before sleeping with the person they are dating?"

No, but does everyone bring the person back to the family home?

Original poster
Nothappyatwork · 03/06/2022 17:24

Hawkins001 · 03/06/2022 17:22

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations op, what's the morals personality side of your dd ?

Show quote history

She has incredibly low self-esteem that’s all I’m going to say so that in my mind is all the more reason for our bar to be set a lot higher given that she doesn’t seem to be capable of putting in these boundaries herself.
it’s incredibly difficult because the last thing we want to do is drive her into the arms of this guy who may well be lovely, we’ve got no reason to believe that he isn’t but i think caution should be exercised.

But equally no, my child does not know that people have sex. I don’t particularly want him to find out by walking in on his sister is not out of the bloody question.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/06/2022 17:25

but nobody has just shrugged their shoulders and said that she can have whoever she likes staying over.

Most have in fact said that they wouldn’t allow it in their own house. But fact is it isn’t their house, and it is not up to them to police what goes on in their ex’s house whether they like it or not.

People don’t like that ex’s have a new gf who they’re introducing to the kids every five minutes, but they wouldn’t be able to stop contact because of it. This is no different. His house, his rules. If he disapproves then he needs to put his foot down.

And the reality is that in 3 months time this girl will be at uni, and nobody will have any idea where she is or who with or whether she is in fact sleeping with a different bloke every night.

thenewduchessoflapland · 03/06/2022 17:25

She's 18 and legally an adult.Unless she's doing something illegal or is hurting someone then she doesn't need to be "controlled".

Svara · 03/06/2022 17:26

I sent my DS on sleepovers where I didn't know the father, just the mother and child. He had a phone so could contact me at any time if he needed collecting.

I do think it's too soon but your DD is an adult woman, it's her and the householder's decision if the man stays. It's your decision if you send your child.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:26

"I think that's ridiculous if the DC are adults. The vast majority of people don't wait six months before sleeping with a partner."

The man here is 22. She could go to his place.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/06/2022 17:26

Absolutely @WalkerWalking

I do wonder if half the posters who post this actually HAVE teens or had them. Or if they are pretty young themselves and get cross about parental control?

Many people of 18 are very immature still, especially as they have been in compulsory education till that age.

If you are a parent, being concerned never stops whether they are 8 or 18. You can still say 'hang on - is what you are doing going to make you happy or give you a good outcome?'

GandTfortea · 03/06/2022 17:27

Similar thing here ,
my son seems of acquired a girlfriend ,only 2 weeks or so together,so 14 days
already he’s often not coming home all night
she lives with both her parents…
tbh
it’s beyond me
but maybe that’s why he’s not told me ,his friends mum told me last weekend when I was ringing round hospitals looking for him at 5 am on Sunday morning

MushyPeasPrincess · 03/06/2022 17:27

@Gwenhwyfar that was exactly my point. Confused

I was quoting another poster who said there couldn't be any danger. Why are you saying MINE is a stupid comment please? I'd be very interested - and I know more than most about what abusers can and will do to get access to a child.

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:27

JinglingHellsBells · 03/06/2022 17:22

Not sure what the focus of your concern is here OP.

Is it that the boyfriend might be a risk to your son (in a sexual way?)

In the way that he's an unknown man who'd be sleeping in the same house?

I think that's taking your imagination a bit too far.

I'd be more worried about an 18 year old getting into bed so soon with a man, any man, after less than 2 weeks.

I get tired of MN saying the old 'she's an adult now'. She might be legally, but that means nothing except she is allowed to do certain thing by law.

It doesn't mean parenting stops and teens of her age run wild or do anything they want when still living at home.

Saying he can't stay in the house is not going to prevent them having sex though. They will probably just stay at the boyfriends house. There are probably plenty of other places where they could have sex too.

Svara · 03/06/2022 17:28

I don’t particularly want him to find out by walking in on his sister is not out of the bloody question.
Surely he's been taught to knock on a closed door in case she is changing?

dianthus101 · 03/06/2022 17:30

Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 17:26

"I think that's ridiculous if the DC are adults. The vast majority of people don't wait six months before sleeping with a partner."

The man here is 22. She could go to his place.

I am sure they will but in that case what would be the point in a "house rule" that they have to have been together for six months?

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