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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what this means-fwb?

386 replies

SunflowerEvie · 03/06/2022 11:20

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

OP posts:
Iwantachange · 04/06/2022 00:21

At least you are now seeing through his bs and see him for who he is: A manipulative twat

Hawkins001 · 04/06/2022 00:22

SunflowerEvie · 03/06/2022 11:20

Hi all,

I am currently in a friends with benefits type of situation. I am due to go over to his house tonight but I started my period this morning. I have told him that it has started and his response is ‘it’s not all about the sex baby, we can do other stuff you know’

Does this mean he sees this more than a sexual relationship? I really was not expecting that response from him. I thought he would want to rearrange but I’m actually pleasantly surprised.

I've had the same situation, and we still had conversations, chatted yes a bit of kissing and cuddles, and we had dinner and still enjoyed each others company. Yes the feelings are managed and compartmentalized, but at the same time we still care about each other.

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:25

Thank you. I just feel broken to be honest. It’s chipping away at me more and more every time

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 04/06/2022 00:29

Walk away. No actually run. I had this in my 20s. Great sex, good friends - he was oh so affectionate and we talked every day and he said he loved me. I even moved in with him for a bit but he was never in love with me. We went travelling together and he met a girl while we were there and fell in love. I was devastated. He did lead me on but I'd built something in my head that didn't exist so we were both at fault. I told him we couldn't see or talk to each other for a while as I knew I wouldn't get over him if not. We didn't speak for 5 years. I met someone else who is now my DH and he married the girl he met travelling. We are friends still now and I am glad it didn't work out as DH is perfect for me and he wasn't.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/06/2022 00:30

'Fuck the shit out of her'?? Hardly sexy. Sorry OP. Sometimes they sneak their way in.

SarahDippity · 04/06/2022 00:34

End it. ‘This is not the type of relationship I want to be in. Please don’t contact me again.’n

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:35

Thank you all. I feel so sad about it. I know he doesn’t care about me. I try my best to please him but honestly my confidence is just plummeting. I feel like I’m basically giving myself away to him just to give him what he wants

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:37

How ridiculous. I’m even scared to speak up and end things. I’m extremely passive and I never ever speak up for myself. I’ve never been able too. I let people walk all over me. I’m pretty much a door mat.

OP posts:
Fcuk38 · 04/06/2022 00:39

So you messaged him earlier to say you had your period which if I’d said that would have meant no sex. Yet you walk in and he’s got his cock out and he’s playing with it. And you stayed? Now I’m really open minded but not even a hello just walking into the cock. Nah. 🤮🤮

Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:40

The worst part for me is that he lives just down the road. I know I will bump into him at some point

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:42

@Fcuk38 yes that was my welcome. Cock out in hand. I think he probably just expected me to grab it and service him whilst he smoked

OP posts:
Original poster
SunflowerEvie · 04/06/2022 00:44

Oh god. Another thing which I absolutely hate is that he always goes on about his past sexual experiences. That he’s done this and that. I never ask and do not like hearing about it at all but he just tells me.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 04/06/2022 00:55

You are letting him get in your head. Please, take a breath, and own this for yourself. Is this a relationship you want to be in? If the answer is NO, say so. No angst, no squeamishness, just draw the curtain. You will feel a lot better about yourself if you just assert your boundaries. You can do this.

SarahDippity · 04/06/2022 00:58

We are all here to help you figure out the vocabulary to articulate what you want. If you can distill into two sentences what you are not liking, you can end this. I don’t want you to be disrespected and it sounds like you want out. I hope you can find the words to do it.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/06/2022 01:17

@SunflowerEvie

You've said you're pretty sure he knows you have feelings for him AND that you believe the feelings are not reciprocated. If this is true, then he isn't a very nice man, is he? It sounds as if he's extremely uncaring about your wellbeing as well as extremely selfish. If he were a decent man he'd either call 'time' on your FWB himself because he realizes it isn't fair to you or he'd initiate an honest conversation about his feelings, your feelings, and the lack of any future beyond the current 'arrangement' so that 'all cards' would be on the table. As it is, all he's thinking about is his dick and what it wants.

I think you know what you need to do. For the sake of your own wellbeing and your mental health, you need to end this arrangement. Yes, it will hurt, but it will be less hurt and less time to get over it than dragging it out, becoming even more emotionally involved, and then having him end it when he finds 'Ms Right'.

Notadogowner · 04/06/2022 01:28

Oh gosh no OP. He’s using you in a disrespectful way.

Yes FWBs and fuck buddies are only about sex, but it can still be mutually respectful and healthy and this doesn’t sound like that at all.

You need to walk away.

MsDogLady · 04/06/2022 02:07

Evie, you deserve much better than this utter degradation. Flowers

Kingharoldshairstyle · 04/06/2022 07:25

Oh god op. I don’t even know what to say, I’m guessing youhad sex with him?

I think you need to be able to speak to someone, start with your doctor for counselling. Try to understand Why youare letting this man treat you in such a degrading way?

nothing come of this relationship op. You know this, he will not have respect for you letting him degrade you and your mental health must be on the floor when you let him do what he wants as yoire so desperate to be with him.

im so sorry, I think you need help and should speak to your doctor.

GrinAndVomit · 04/06/2022 07:29

You know this will end up hurting you and the longer you remain in this situation, the more painful it will be.
You deserve to be treated well and to be happy.

MayBeee · 04/06/2022 07:29

When you are much older and look back and reflect on your life , will the memory of him and how you feel be a good or bad one ?
That would be telling on your true thoughts about it.

Perplexed0522 · 04/06/2022 07:35

He eventually put it away but then he had another cig and then the movie was finished. He said ‘after this fag I’m going to take a little someone upstairs and fuck the shit out of her’. Basically he doesn’t even use my name. I feel disrespected.

He’s absolutely disgusting.

Sex should be a two way, mutual activity done with respect for each other, not someone “fucking the shit” out of the other.

This really isn’t okay.

He really doesn’t care.

Please don’t see this guy again.

He clearly makes you feel sad and bad about yourself so you need to remove him from your life.

Have you confided in any of your friends about what’s happening with him?

Matildahoney · 04/06/2022 07:47

He's not a scouser whose name begins with G is he?!

Festivalpartygirl · 04/06/2022 07:48

Oh gosh you poor girl, give your head a wobble, start working on your self esteem by ditching this relationship, you are better than this, do not allow men to treat you like this guy is, honestly ditch him, and know that it was you that doesn’t want to continue, don’t wait for him to do the ditching. Block his number, be busy when/if you bump into him down the road. Come back to this thread when you feel yourself giving in and read all the advice, the relationship is going nowhere, be kind to yourself💐

HRTQueen · 04/06/2022 07:52

Don’t be so harsh on yourself op

many of us have tried to change someone from liking us for sex into liking us as a potential partner and it does hurt you recognise this.

No need to have a conversation with him just say you are busy if he keeps contacting you just tell him it was fun at the time but you over it now. Do not tell him you were developing feelings or what you are wanting he will start with the let’s take it slow while we keep having sex and messing with your head

HuntingoftheSnark · 04/06/2022 08:00

He doesn't come from Kent and his name begins with J, by any chance?!

I was in exactly the same position some years ago, OP, after years of being happily single. I started out with really good intentions of it all being casual on both sides. I listened to his stories about much more wild and interesting sexual exploits from the past and ended up doing things I wasn't at all comfortable with, in an attempt to equal his "open mindedness".

In the end I blocked him for my own self preservation - and I appreciate that he didn't live in the same road so you probably would feel better communicating a response that it's not working for you. I was astounded that it had crept up on me, and the fact that I lapped up the crumbs he tossed me, the kisses goodbye etc.