Meeting male colleague for coffee. Aibu

[monkeysox]

Speaking to recently single DF today.
She mentions messaging former colleagues and arranging meeting for a coffee.
One of said colleagues is married with DC.
Aibu in thinking his DW may not be ok with it?

I hope people don’t think this about me every time I meet a male friend or colleague for coffee or a drink. Fucking hell.

I love posts like this. Always find them on the running over cats threads, when some posters will compare it to running over a child.

If the situation were totally different, people might do or think something different.

DH occasionally meets female former colleagues for coffee. Male formercolleagues he meets for a pint. I think nothing of it. Might be a different matter if he was meeting a female former colleague for evening drinks. But DH would not do that anyway.

It's up to him and his wife. I've never had colleagues as friends, so wouldn't accept regardless. Some people have plenty of time on their hands, other people would have to sacrifice family/couple time to attend. They could have opposite working hours, so declining invites means them sitting at home alone. Which is why you put the invitation out and leave it up to them to decide.

My male married colleague came round and left an Easter egg on the doorstep to cheer me up. I am now very concerned about his intentions.

So you should be, symbol of fertility and all! 😂

I have colleagues and ex-colleagues I will go for coffee with (not a literal coffee in my case, as I don't drink it.) Some of them are women. Some of them are men. Most of them are men, in fact, as I work in a male-dominated sector. We all keep our clothes on. I've got male friends (some martied, some single) from school, uni, other places, even one I met initially through OLD, and we can all meet without any impropriety, even though I'm currently single.

I'd just be hoping they came back with interesting news, rather than just dull work stuff.

can I ask you OP if you are English? Curious. Because I have lived in several countries and it was very noticeable in England how possessive English women are of their boyfriends. Anyone who has female:male friendships is definitely a tart. Totally at odds with so many other cultures which recognise that adults can be friends regardless of gender.

Maybe the relationship was like the pp above where going to a cafe and having a coffee with a member of the opposite sex was not allowed.

@DontLookBackInAnger1 that's what I thought.

I have male friends so I’m not against male and female friendships.

All I ask is has she just got in touch with both male and female ex colleagues to open up her social circle overall?

@CharSiu she says she gets on better with males. I was just trying to explain why some (married with DC) may not have arranged to meet.

Actually having time when you're married with DC would be an issue for me too. To make time for someone you worked with over a year ago.

Why did she get in touch after a year and when she became single? If they were mates why didn't they stay in touch and meet up sooner? Was she in an abusive relationship that restricted her from meeting up? How come she's just close to the males?

That’s just basic networking in my book, so while she might not mean it that way I’d be totally fine. I’m too busy to meet up often but would jump at coffee with quite a few of the mainly men I’ve worked with even if we haven’t caught up for years. I’m on mat leave and took my baby for coffee with my boss recently.

Yabvu.

Maybe we should keep single women in cages or something. They don't sound very safe to be around.

Presumably she did t message these colleagues during her relationship. Why not? Is that because her ex didn’t like it or wld t allow it or bcos she herself would have found it inappropriate? There’s so much context we don’t know. If she was only getting in touch b’cos single now and therefore just lonely (& not in coercive relationship etc previously) it’s a bit user ish imo. Why not maintain the friendships throughout? Plus networking, getting lunch etc with work colleagues etc is fine. But it’s not that she’s just moved jobs & is contacting ex colleagues that she hasn’t been in touch with on a professional level. She’s by the sounds of it seeking friendships with other men who she tends to get on better with now she’s single. That may be threatening to a lot of women. Depends however on the context & her motives. If she’s unaware of boundaries then it would be a problem imo.

FFS Worra it's outrageous that you want to curtail the freedom of men when there are perfectly good alternatives to allowing loose women to prowl the streets.

OP - of course you are reasonable, & your concern for the wife of the colleague of your friend is admirably public spirited. I think you should stalk your friend's social media until you find the wife, then message her with a friendly warning. She'll be bound to thank you & you'll probably end up best pals.

In the meantime, make sure you maintain full control of your friend.
Being recently single, her behaviour is guaranteed to be volatile & erratic. Obviously, it's up to you if she attends this ill-advised coffee meet. Only you can assess her state of mind & the danger she presents: you really can't be too cautious, so you might want to chaperone her to the event.
It's a pain, but you clearly have a big heart & a proper sense of what's right so you have to see this one through. Make sure your friend wears this - it's only fair that this sort of woman is ... I hesitate to say branded ... but clearly marked as the potential hazard she is -
www.pinterest.com/pin/red-burqa--573716440001877058/

Not to do with trust ... just in case somebody might think exactly what OP is thinking about her "friend".

So what you are saying is that all single women should avoid all married men, in case random people ... think things.

OK dude.

Just a thought - how does that work with single bridesmaids?
At the wedding, do they all have to go home as soon as the groom intones "I do"?
And is there a special bus for them?

Just a thought - how does that work with single bridesmaids?
At the wedding, do they all have to go home as soon as the groom intones "I do"? And is there a special bus for them?

Maybe I should have done that as my (single) bridesmaid snogged our (single) usher in the maze to hide from her dad. Good on her.....although perhaps that's acceptable under the weird MN rules that no married person can have a friend of the opposite sex?

Some of my closest friends are male and my life would be the poorer without them. There is zero chance that us having dinner together would result in wild and spontaneous sex. Do we really not trust our partners not to stray in the company of people of the opposite sex?

A male friend of mine regularly joins me on dog walks - should DH divorce me?

Yikes! Me too.
My friend is gay, though. Probably only meets me to try and get close to DH.

I manage a team of men. I go out for coffee or lunch with one or all of them several times a month. I also meet up with ex-colleagues (male) regularly.

My husband has never even commented. It would be ludicrous if he did. But then we’re grown-ups…

People tend to judge others by their own standards. I can only assume that the objectors are the type to shag married men if single so they expect everyone else to do the same.

I think you misunderstood.
I was trying to explain to her why they might not have replied.

Why are you second guessing the thought processes of people you don't know?
WTF is it to you?

Do you feel superior to your friend now she's single? Is this why you are policing her life?

All you people in marriages where nobody can have a coffee with a member of the opposite sex, that’s fine, you crack on with that if it makes you happy.

But what OTHER people do in their marriages is absolutely none of your bloody business. OP, keep your paranoia to yourself and stop fretting about what other people’s wives are/aren’t OK with. It’s nothing to do with you.

Sounds like your friend is looking for cock