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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting male colleague for coffee. Aibu

155 replies

monkeysox · 02/06/2022 19:36

Speaking to recently single DF today.
She mentions messaging former colleagues and arranging meeting for a coffee.
One of said colleagues is married with DC.
Aibu in thinking his DW may not be ok with it?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 02/06/2022 20:03

monkeysox · 02/06/2022 19:40

I'd find it strange if out of the blue my DH told me he was meeting a female former colleague who is newly single.

What a sad relationship you have then.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/06/2022 20:04

Unless coffee is code for ram it up me, big boy.

😂😂😂

RyanAirVeteran · 02/06/2022 20:05

Emm, you do realise it is absolutely none of your beeswax don't you ?

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/06/2022 20:05

I have coffee with male colleagues. Lunch, drinks after work with male colleagues.

My DH does the same with female colleagues.

You either trust each other or you don't.

And if you don't your relationship is doomed.

Stylishkidintheriot · 02/06/2022 20:06

Dh often meets with female colleagues/ ex colleagues for coffee.

mind you, many of them are now
retired ladies who he has known since he was 17

DariaMorgendorffer · 02/06/2022 20:06

YAB soooo U!

Single women can control themselves, they're not all after married men. HTH.

LicoricePizza · 02/06/2022 20:07

Networking, remaining work friends etc is fine IMO. But your post implies your DF is only now contacting a married ex colleague BECAUSE she’s now single. If it’s not a networking or maintenance of an existing friendship drink then yes it is a bit dubious on her part. But you haven’t made her motives /intentions clear. So their DW wld only have reason to be suspicious or uncomfortable with it if it was neither of the above. And even then a coffee with an old colleague hardly much cause for concern. If it became a regular thing & something lied about etc maybe then it wld be concerning.

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:07

@EarringsandLipstick It would be a problem in my world and some other peoples too but each to their own. Whatever works best for each marriage/relationship.

HeritageVegetable · 02/06/2022 20:09

EarringsandLipstick · 02/06/2022 20:04

Unless coffee is code for ram it up me, big boy.

😂😂😂

In the context of an invitation into your home after a meal in a restaurant where you could have had coffee if you'd wanted it: possibly. In the context of a meeting in the middle of the day: nope.

worraliberty · 02/06/2022 20:10

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:07

@EarringsandLipstick It would be a problem in my world and some other peoples too but each to their own. Whatever works best for each marriage/relationship.

Well yes, being unable to trust your own husband would be a big problem.

However, that's not this woman's fault or problem.

PAFMO · 02/06/2022 20:11

monkeysox · 02/06/2022 19:40

I'd find it strange if out of the blue my DH told me he was meeting a female former colleague who is newly single.

Quite right too.

All women fancy all men and his penis might accidently end up inside her AGAINST HIS WILL

I live with dp and I have male colleagues. Sometimes we go for a coffee and I've been known to go for meals with one of them who I get on particularly well with.

I've never seen his penis. Do you think I'm doing something wrong?

babyjellyfish · 02/06/2022 20:12

Er, totally normal and I have no idea what you think it has to do with you?? Mind your own business.

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:12

@worraliberty it's nothing at all to do with trust in my relationship (I can't speak for others). It's about respecting each others feelings. If I wanted to meet a male work colleague for drinks out of work hours, I would take DH with me.

worraliberty · 02/06/2022 20:14

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:12

@worraliberty it's nothing at all to do with trust in my relationship (I can't speak for others). It's about respecting each others feelings. If I wanted to meet a male work colleague for drinks out of work hours, I would take DH with me.

And what exactly are those feelings, if not mistrust or jealousy?

Genuine question.

Or do you take each other everywhere, like to meet same sex friends too?

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 20:15

You are being both unreasonable and completely potty.

worraliberty · 02/06/2022 20:17

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 20:15

You are being both unreasonable and completely potty.

Why both, just out of interest?

All the woman wants to do is contact some ex colleagues for coffee, and one of them happens to be male?

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:17

@worraliberty As in respect feelings for matters that could look inappropriate or be misconstrued. Plus, I wouldn't want to associate with work colleagues anyway. Firm believer in keeping business separate from pleasure. I also prefer to do everything with my DH as he is my best friend. I don't have much need to socialise with lots of people.

Anyway, definitely nothing to do with mistrust. Happy marriage here where we don't even argue.

Womencanlift · 02/06/2022 20:17

Not an issue at all imo. I regularly meet ex-colleagues (male) for lunch and will have lunch with colleagues most days and that can be with males too, just depends who is free and fancies grabbing lunch

If I didn’t meet a (male) colleague for a coffee most weeks it would be really unusual

No partner on either side has an issue because in my work world it’s completely normal

I even went out for drinks with an ex male colleague last Friday night as his wife was away for the weekend. Not only was she absolutely fine with it she wished us a lovely evening when he met me and was on a FaceTime call to her

XenoBitch · 02/06/2022 20:17

Are married people not allowed to meet anyone of the opposite sex anymore? What if they are bi? Not allowed to see anyone?

brookstar · 02/06/2022 20:20

I also prefer to do everything with my DH as he is my best friend.

That's not a very healthy way to conduct a relationship. How does your DH feel about that?

My DH is my favourite person in the world but I still like socialising with friends and vice versa.

worraliberty · 02/06/2022 20:20

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:17

@worraliberty As in respect feelings for matters that could look inappropriate or be misconstrued. Plus, I wouldn't want to associate with work colleagues anyway. Firm believer in keeping business separate from pleasure. I also prefer to do everything with my DH as he is my best friend. I don't have much need to socialise with lots of people.

Anyway, definitely nothing to do with mistrust. Happy marriage here where we don't even argue.

But you said.... "It's about respecting each others feelings. If I wanted to meet a male work colleague for drinks out of work hours, I would take DH with me."

So let's just say you do want to meet a colleague of the opposite sex, or he does.

You seriously wouldn't allow each other to do that?

Zombiemum1946 · 02/06/2022 20:21

My dh has a number of female friends and some are single. He regularly meets up with them. It's normal.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 02/06/2022 20:21

Why would it be a problem?

A male friend of mine regularly joins me on dog walks - should DH divorce me?

RosieRooster83 · 02/06/2022 20:23

@brookstar Healthy in whose opinion though? What works for one couple may not work for another and that's ok. I see friends, go out regularly but I still prefer to be with DH. In my opinion it's a sign of a healthy relationship as we still love to be around each other so much.

Memyselfandfood · 02/06/2022 20:23

If my dp suddenly didn't trust me meeting up with my male friends id think he were either cheating himself, or the relationship were in trouble.
i have male friends.
we meet up, just like female friends.
we go out to events.
i’m very capable of not sleeping with my male friends Hmm