Meeting male colleague for coffee. Aibu

[monkeysox]

Speaking to recently single DF today.
She mentions messaging former colleagues and arranging meeting for a coffee.
One of said colleagues is married with DC.
Aibu in thinking his DW may not be ok with it?

As in respect feelings for matters that could look inappropriate or be misconstrued.

Misconstrued by whom? What if you had to travel with a male colleague to a conference or event for example, how would that work?

@worraliberty It's difficult to answer your question and imagine myself in that scenario because neither of us would even consider doing it so it would never be an issue for us.

Is she attractive?

I am definitely going to be thinking Ram it up me, Big Boy, next time someone mentions going for coffee

@brookstar misconstrued by anyone. Travel with a work colleague as in how? Staying in a hotel room with them sort of thing?

If she's suddenly messaging several former colleagues that she doesn't meet up with regularly, my first guess would be that she's jobhunting or looking for career advice or launching her own company or perhaps recruiting. The timing may be a coincidence, or perhaps if she's just ended a long relationship she's making other changes like devoting more time to her career, needing to make more money, wanting to relocate, etc.

Anyway, if someone doesn't want to meet her for whatever reason, they can just decline the invitation. (Or if the ex colleague is Mike Pence, he'd accept and invite his wife and make sure she got there first.) Lots of people would welcome it as it might be beneficial for both people - maybe she'll land a great job and hire all her old colleagues for big money.

Think that’s quite sad if it would be a problem in your world.

Blimey, coffee has always seemed to be the most neutral way to meet male colleagues/ ex colleagues who you want to continue a relationship with but don't want to risk any perception of inappropriate behaviour. In my industry, networking is important and coffee is the one you do with people you didn't necessarily know that well but want to stay in touch with. You would upgrade to lunch with someone you're friendly with and get on well with and/or want to build a longer term professional relationship with. Drinks is more likely to be for groups or for someone you know well.

This is also age-based: most of the people I network with these days work long hours and have young families and therefore aren't so keen on drinks with work-related things. When I was younger it was drinks and dinner all the way!

Well it's not an issue now but living in each other's pockets might get a bit much for one or both of you in the end.

I just hope you both have friends outside of your rather intense relationship, because one day you may need them.

Healthy in whose opinion though? What works for one couple may not work for another and that's ok. I see friends, go out regularly but I still prefer to be with DH. In my opinion it's a sign of a healthy relationship as we still love to be around each other so much.

When you meet friends do you do this alone? Or do you take your DH with you? Do you meet in mixed sex groups?
You post suggested that you didn't do things without your DH which, if is the case, isn't particularly healthy. Codependency isn't great for a long term relationship. We all need space to develop as individuals.

@Memyselfandfood each to their own. Would people be ok with their husbands sharing a bed with another woman if they were just sleeping and had to share a bed?

If he went out for drinks with a woman without you, what would those feelings be? Jealousy? Insecurity? It's all about trust.

My husband and me ARE allowed to go out with colleagues of the opposite sex and fuck them if we want to! that's the whole open marriage deal. But you know what? We absolutely wouldn't assume that the other one was going on a "date" if they just said hey I'm off for a drink with Sandra/Bob at the office. Wouldn't cross our minds - wouldn't ask if they were married or anything. Because the start point is that people socialise as friends by default and not everyone is after it all the time.

DP and I would be fine with this, we’re both mates with former colleagues some of the opposite sex. The only female friend I wasn’t happy with him meeting up with is one of his exes. She’s married but I just felt uncomfortable about her i. He’s not seen her for years.

@worraliberty I don't think anyone can judge the status of other peoples relationship based upon a few comments on a forum. I'm a home bird, I like being at home with my family. When I meet my friend, no I don't take DH with me and he has no issue with that.

misconstrued by anyone.

Why would you care?

Travel with a work colleague as in how? Staying in a hotel room with them sort of thing?

Not sharing a hotel room but staying in the same hotel, socialising after work etc.
For example, I travel internationally as part of my job and sometimes I travel alone but meet up with people in country who take me out and sometimes my male colleague travels with me as we both need to be somewhere.

Would people be ok with their husbands sharing a bed with another woman if they were just sleeping and had to share a bed?

How on earth is that comparable to going for coffee??!!

@girlmom21 I would feel completely disrespected as he would know that I wouldn't find it acceptable.

I'm going down the route of trust. If someone trusts their partner, would they still allow things like that?

But why would you feel disrespected? Would you feel disrespected if he went for drinks with a male friend?

Of course... Because all the single women obviously preoccupied by the single most important task in their life is to get a new man, no matter how ugly, old, married etc he is. There can't be any other reason to have a coffee with a male person rather than to lure him into their spider web.

I would feel completely disrespected as he would know that I wouldn't find it acceptable.

Why? If they are friends then why is that disrespectful?
If you trust your husband then why is it unacceptable for them to meet a friend for a drink?

When I meet my friend, no I don't take DH with me and he has no issue with that.

Right. This is exactly what I was asking you about earlier.

If you trust each other, why do you only meet friends of the same sex alone? I mean you've basically said you like to do everything together, but you don't take him with you when you're meeting a woman?

For clarity she hasn't worked at former employer for over a year and has got back in touch with former work mates since splitting up with long term partner.
I was just thinking how it would look from a wife's point of view.
I totally get that males and females can have a coffee without sex.

Same. In fact I’m one trip I was away with two guys. Both guys got sick on different nights. We were in a small town with only one decent restaurant so one night I had dinner with one of them and the next night I had dinner with the other. Even the waitress had a laugh with me about it

@RosieRooster83 if you did have to work away and it was only makes on the trip would you eat on your own to avoid having contact with another male?