CAN THIS BE IT…

[Lightbulbmomen]

Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

Has he got another job lined up? Should that money be kept for bills until he gets another job?

Aside from that yes it's not a fair set up.

My ex was like this OP, in terms of I earned more and contributed more but he wasn't a miser. At least He used to transfer all his salary to me at the end of the month. In any case I ended up in debt to cover some expenses when I was on maternity leave. When we split up guess who was left with all the debt, me! So I would say whether he earns less or not he should pay his fair share of 50% towards everything. Him saying we should have stayed at home or not not contributing to the children's fares when they go on holiday is disgusting. Are these his children or yours?

He has not got another job lined up as of yet, keeping the redundancy money for this I get and don’t get me wrong is understandable. What came to a head yesterday was he didn’t trust I would pay it back and I said but look at what we have home (rented ) /children have etc this comes from me I pay for a lot and don’t get any contribution and your happy to allow it - now you’ve got some £ I just thought after every single I do financially for family /home he would help me out as I’ve done for him well over the years. I’ve never not gave money back to him - tbh I’ve never gotten more then £30 off him as a lend b4. And last time I borrowed money from him would be well over 3 years ago.

They are ours .

Surely if the debt is because of him (albeit in your name) it should be one of the first things he pays off; why is he expecting you to pay him back anyway?

Sounds like this guy is using you for what he can get and as soon as you want him to contribute, he refuses.

Before you know it, he'll still be unemployed and you'll be wracking up more debt to support him. You'd be better off living separately, letting him support himself and pay for the kids when he has them; does he not realise that?

I think you need to reign your spending in if you’re going into debt spending a fortune on child end parties. Doesn’t sound like much of a partnership to me. Do you actually sit there in a restaurant and split the bill so he pays for himself and you pay for yourself and the kids?

Obviously it's difficult while he's out of work, but he should definitely be contributing more for his children as well as the cost of keeping himself.

How does it actually work out when he's working? Do you have similar levels of personal money left over after you've paid out for everything? I can understand him not wanting to pay for a meal out if it was your idea and doing so would barely make a dent to you but would leave him without, but it's not sounding as though that would be the case.

I'm shocked he has said he doesn't trust you to pay him back any money he lends to you. Surely trusting your partner is a fairly essential part of a relationship?

Bloody hell. You're a family. Act like one. Put your money in a joint account and don't be messing about even thinking about what percentage of what you pay.

I don't know how relationships survive like this. So many people bickering because they're bitter about money. Ridiculous.

You know what a cocklodger is, right?

I don’t get this. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all; quibbling over who’s paid for what, and splitting restaurant bills. He should be paying more towards his kids, that’s for sure.

maybe he thinks you won’t pay it back because it’s rightfully yours. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Despite the fact he may very well do the school run, it sounds like you're not actually that compatible. Finances are a big bug bear for a lot of relationships and if resentment over one person's attitude starts creeping in, it's pretty hard to come back from, especially if they refuse to see there is a problem. It's ridiculous to say you won't ever buy anything for your home again, as it's your home too, and your children live there. Presumably you want it to be nice and comfortable.

I think you should get some debt counselling and together you need to work out a repayment plan for the money he owes you to pay back the debts you incurred because of him. You then need to work out a reasonable family budget, including the amounts that both of you will regularly contribute. As for the lack of trust issue, well perhaps some separate counselling will help with that or help one or both of you decide whether the relationship is worth continuing.

I think 110% your right on that - as that be my way of getting back what I’ve out laid - but I genuinely would have given it back as I’m not that petty - yesterday it just was a “light bulb” moment as I’ve never questioned me paying for more as if I want to do it for my children out /holidays etc I will as I don’t think they should miss out . Now we’re. On different scenario as he does have money there & red flag 🚩 popped up

That’s one way of putting it

It’s impossible to say whether it’s fair that you pay more for family costs than him, without knowing your relative earnings.
Maybe your higher contribution is just fair 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it’s a really odd set up that you would take the kids on holiday without him and complain that he doesn’t give them “spending money” - that’s the action of a grandparent, not parent.

You are bad with money, over spending on parties whilst in debt.

Whereas the first thing he did with his redundancy was pay his debt off.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to think that you won’t give the money back - you’re clearly resentful of his lower contribution. That doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable to want to borrow it… just I understand his why he would think you wouldn’t pay back.

I have separate finances myself and don’t disagree with that… but it doesn’t sound like it’s been implemented well in your family.

I've never ever seen a family pay separately in a restaurant before - and I was a waitress for years! Either one or both of you have very strange attitudes here. One pot.

When he is working - all bills are 50/50 like everything down to food shop . But when comes to me wanting to decorate house or purchase new clothing etc for kids /holidays /W/E away it’s on me “ cause I want to go” when I’m saying eating out I’m not saying high end places this has happened in. Greggs FFS … I went up bought stuff asked he wanted anything he says no I got kids /me … soon as I tap he put in his order 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I’d paid full total and as we left he would transfer his !! As I’m not going to do that in public - also as a man… they in Society need to be seen to provide for the family and I get that be something to there ego

But your choices to spend more for your children because you wanted to, we’re against a backdrop of him having £3K of debt!

Re-write that from his point of view:
My girlfriend earns more than me, we have separate finances. She likes to take the kids out, and tbh she’s in debt because of it. But my problem is she wants me to make a contribution towards it every time. I just can’t afford to. She’s over spending on their parties because that’s her thing, but I’m now £3K in debt. I’ve tried to say, “we could eat at home?” when she goes for takeaway yet again, but she just says, “it’s only KFC, not The Ivy!”. But I’m £3K in debt - it’s only KFC to her, but it’s still not affordable to me - but she just won’t listen to that.”

The money set up within the family is corrupt and he doesn’t pay his way. That’s obvious.

However you don’t sound solvent so Pathan’s he does have good reason not to give you £1k

You need to go over the last 6 months of spending and review every in/outgoing and track it. Then work out a suitable budget going forward. There are budgeting tools to help you.

What does “when he is working” mean?
That he has variable hours, or just not this period with redundancy?

It sounds more than fair to me that as a lower earner he’s paying 50/50 on everything.

Clothes for kids is a grey area - clothes they don’t need but you just like them is different to needed school shoes. If I earned less than you, I wouldn’t want to be asked to pay half every time you wanted some new scatter cushions either. Not when I had £3K debt. Not even if I didn’t!

This thread makes no sense without numbers.

@Bunce1 “The money set up within the family is corrupt and he doesn’t pay his way. That’s obvious.“

I’m not sure that it is obvious. He is the lower earner but pays 50/50 for “everything” including bills.

Can I point out incase it’s missing in translation- my debt is already on DMP & I pay for this every month & the holidays I bring my children on never cost more then £500 to which I pay Monthly for and up to year in advance ( butlins / home to Ireland etc) these are not lavish 5 star resorts off on some remote island .
I pay each month into a saving account 10 months ahead for Christmas.
my disposable income is utilised so my children do not go without - not lavish parties either I put money aside as soon as one party ended so I can comfortably let them celebrate.

*including food, I mean.

You’re on a DMP but taking your kids home (Ireland?) on holidays twice year… plus over spending on parties… plus frequent takeaways (it doesn’t matter that it’s Greggs and KFC level cost)

You sound bad with money - I wouldn’t want to give you £1K either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe take a leaf out of his book: get a windfall, he pays off all his debt. Want to eat? Forget Greggs and wait until you’re home.

It sounds that he believes you spend money necessarily. Could you have very different views on what is necessary or acceptable?