CAN THIS BE IT…

[Lightbulbmomen]

Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

With someone on a dmp?

Hmmn, not very convincing. Anyway, given that the poor hard working put upon sod does now, possibly for the first time in his life, have some free cash in the sum of thousands, he's making sure that none of his family benefit. I mean he is already, as you point out, bucking the statistics on men earning more money than women by earning less than his partner, so he does seem a particularly poor risk given his obvious selfishness.

I think this man is extremely lucky he has someone who will put up with him and his peripatetic employment record and miserly ways. Lets hope not too many women wake up to this being all kinds of selfish because most women I know wouldn't. Saying that, a lower earning man is not a problem, its this particular individual's selfishness.

good post

I thought it was the rule on here that the higher earner should contribute more. Or does that only count when it’s the man?

“extremely lucky he has someone who will put up with him and his peripatetic employment record”

oh come on - peripatetic? 🤣
OP says he’s always worked permanent full time jobs in the 9 years she’s been with him. One previous job loss, and back to working, and now this second which is well covered by redundancy money and no reason to say he won’t be back in work soon enough that the redundancy means he’s actually up in money.

I’ve agreed with you that he probably isn’t contributing enough - but I think it’s a bit much to decide that he’s a feckless leech unable to hold down a job!

“possibly for the first time in his life, have some free cash in the sum of thousands, he's making sure that none of his family benefit.”

Did the bit he’s already paid to cover his share of this month’s bills not benefit his family then?

If he had debt to clear, even from when working, he is not miserly! He simply doesn't have any more money to spare!

How many of you have partners/husbands who earn more?
Would you like it if they made unilateral decisions about spending and then expected you to get into debt to fund those choices? Or decided - "Hey there Wifey - you're not earning enough. I'm off skiing. You can't afford it. Stay at home there Missus?"